Health is Wealth

I'm blessed to say that my work has been published by NEDIC once again! This is a piece I wrote about Christmas and how the holidays are truly enjoyable, yet the focus around food and weight can be difficult for those with ED. It is one of my favourite pieces because it really expresses how frustrating this season can become for people who struggle with these issues, yet it also provides hope and tips on how to deal with this stress. Please take a look and it! And I am wishing everyone a very Happy New Year! http://www.nedic.ca/blog/

I just got back from a wonderful vacation at Antigua with my family. First, I want to say Merry Christmas to everyone! May this time of year give you peace, joy, and hope. Next, I want to say thank you to all my readers and followers. You all are so great! This blog would not be possible without you! A little bit about my trip.... It was fun! For the first time in my history of vacations, I didn't have to worry about the food. I had planned my meals earlier and so I just used the clock to know when I had to eat. My family was so supportive and we enjoyed our time. It was VERY relieving to not have any anxiety around mealtimes or open buffets. This made us all relaxed. For once, I did not feel dread before we all ate, and I didn't need to think of ways to avoid eating. It felt as though a big burden was taken off my chest. We had a great time swimming, touring the grounds, reading, playing board games, watching TV, etc. it was a much-needed break. I was exhausted after exams...

Recently, there has been talk in Australia that a child's weight should be listen on their report card. Read about it here: http://www.abc.net.au/local/stories/2012/12/07/3649748.htm By now, you should all know what I think about this. But, I'm going to say it anyway. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?! The argument of these people is that putting the weight on report cards will make parents aware if their child is obese or overweight. It is thought that this will stop or help to reduce obesity. And I can see why they think this: parents will get to know their child's weight because they will see it three times a year on the kid's report card. But I also think that the harm that this will do is greater than the benefits. First, how humiliating is it if teachers have to weight each kid in order to report it? That is not the school's job. It is a medical issue and can be dealt with in the context of a doctor's visit. And what about the comparing that will occur? K...

I don't know if you have ever seen the show 'The Biggest Loser'. If you have, you know that this show is about overweight people who compete to see who can lose the most weight. It is basically for adults to get 'healthier' but to 'win' a show at the same time. Sounds harmless, right? Well, it WAS. Until the show recently (about a week ago) announced that they would now be putting children on the show. DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THE PROBLEM HERE?! It is one thing to use people's weight to entertain others....and it is another totally different thing to be putting children on a show where they are forced to lose weight as a competition with others. You can visit this site for more info, or simply type 'the biggest loser kids' in google to know what I am talking about. http://theclicker.today.com/_news/2012/12/03/15648420-biggest-loser-returns-with-kid-contestants-two-night-season-premiere?lite What is this telling kids? That they should be force...

I've been asked many times if I consider myself recovered. The short answer is, no. I do not think that I am fully recovered. However, I am IN recovery. It does not sound like there is big difference between the two. But there is... Saying that I am recovered is like saying that this is all over. That ED is completely gone, and that I am like a 'normal' person who has never ever had anorexia. But that is not the case. I still have thoughts that try to sway me over to restrict, to hate myself, or to not eat. I still have moments when my self-esteem is very low and where I wish that I could be as thin as I used to be. That is why I am IN recovery. To me, recovery is not as desintation. It is more of a lifelong adventure. It is not somwhere that I will arrive and then 'be done with it'. It is something that I need to work on for the rest of my life. I do not starve myself or restrict food, but I still do not feel hungry. I still do not really enjoy eating lik...

Stop what you are doing. NOW. And think about this: right now, there is a person around the world thinking of how they hate themselves. Have you felt like this before? Have you had the feeling that you are just irritated with who you are? You know...as if you are frustrated with your life. And so you start to think about what is bad about you and what you would change if you could. I'm like this a lot. Well, I don't think about what I'd change, but I do think about what I don't like about me. I start thinking about how I don't feel as beautiful as others. How I feel worthless and useless and lazy. How I'm tired of people bring rude and mean to me. How frustrated I am because I feel as though I'm not successful or special. Much of this is because of ED - he likes to make me think this way because it makes him feel good. It gives him the chance to get me down, hoping that I will hate myself so much that I'll return to him. We all feel this way someti...

I thought that once I recovered from ED, life would be so much easier. I thought that everything would be perfect and happy. That nothing would go wrong. But I was wrong. Don't misunderstand me, recovering from ED was the most important thing that I did. It gave me back my personality, my health, and my life. But that does not mean that life is 'peachy-key'. Life is still full of it's wild and crazy rides. I'm busy with school, I'm studying for exams, I'm trying to stay on track with recovery, I'm balancing my social obligations, etc. But what really gets me is that I still struggle a lot. I'm pretty sensitive to things that happen around me - for example, I want everything to be happy all the time. I try to avoid any argumenets because I just want everything to be okay. It feels like since ED is not here anymore, nothing should go wrong or give me a hard time. I know that this is impossible. Recovering from ED is great - but that does not me...

What kind of expectations do you have fit yourself? Do you want to become a successful business person, a famous star, a determined scientist, a stern teacher, or a devoted professional? Do you want to make a lot of money and live luxuriously? We all have expectations for our futures. Some of which we set, others are made by others. Perhaps your parents have set out your life for you. Or maybe you want to be successful so that you'll live comfortably. Either way, there are certain things that you hope to achieve in the future, and these criteria are based on notions of success, money, jobs, etc. But have you taken the time to think - really think - about these expectations? Are they realistic? Have you set high expectations that are too difficult to achieve? I think sometimes we need to keep in mind what's really important - mainly, that we live to enjoy a happy and successful life. I used to have many high expectations for myself - and I still do. I want to get As on everyt...

I am pleased and blessed to say that once again, I have been published at NEDIC. This is a piece about how we need to learn to chnage our attitudes, as we all know that it is highly unlikely that we will be able to change the entire world. Great change begins when we realize that we can make a big differnece by simply changing ourselves. Sometimes, the best place is to start with yourself. And once you do, you will see that you are stronger and more aware of all the incorrect messages in society. So, take a look! http://www.nedic.ca/blog/

I have a real money problem. No, it's not that I need money. It's that I don't feel worthy of spending money on myself. My parents are great - they want to buy everything I could possibly need and want. And they do. But for some reason, I feel like I don't deserve buying things. I feel as though I have done nothing worth of me buying things - anything. Clothes, jewelry, food, make-up, books, etc. It is as if I am rewarding myself for no reason. ED has a part to play here. He makes me feel so useless and terrible, as if I am not like anyone else who occasionally has the right to buy something special. Deep into ED, I did not wamt to be happy. Well, I NEVER felt happy - because ED made me so miserable. So, I never felt as though I wanted to buy anything for myself. Life was plain and boring and tiresome. I did not want to purchase anything because I was disgusted of myself. It was as though there was no point in buying anything for me becauase I was too ugly, fat,...

I was thinking today - what would it be like to be fully recovered? To feel as though nothing is wrong...to feel care-free. I wrote a list - but when I read it over now, I realize that these are some goals or hopes that we can all possibly share! Let me know if you agree with any of them - or add your own! Really, this is more of a 'what a good and relaxed' life would look like...so it works for all of us! -Freedom from ED -feeling good about who I am -looking in the mirror and feeling that I like what I see -walking out the door and feeling confident -being proud of who I am -not caring about what people say about how I look -getting hunger cues back...maybe even feeling hungry sometimes! -seeing the good in me -smiling and laughing because life is good -not worrying over the little things -spoiling myself by making time for me and taking breaks -break the cycle of perfectionism -sleeping properly -not being worried about spending money on myself -realizing tha...

Is there a way to prevent eating disorders? I wish there was a simple answer to this. The truth is, we can't say we can prevent eating disorders because we are not exactly sure of what causes them. But, we CAN take small steps to make them much less likely to occur. Let's start with the media. I've written about this before, so I won't go onto detail again. We all know this - the media depicts unrealistic images and tries to convince us that we have to look the same way. What can we do? We need to speak up! You don't have to go far to see or hear someone trying to achieve these demands. Let them know how the media fools us! But what's most important, on my opinion, is to change the way WE think and see ourselves. Are you happy with your body? Do you honor it because of all the wonderful things it does for you? Do you appreciate all the lovely things about yourself? Do you stand on front of the mirror and criticize your appearance, or are you thankful for sim...

Have you ever stopped to take the time to think about those little things in life that we take for granted? I was walking to class today and realized that I don't take enough time in the day to be thankful for everything that I have.   The sun's light is magnificent. How lucky are we to have this wonderful source of light?! It wakes us up in the morning and shines on us. It gives the plants the energy that they need to make their food (which serve as our food!). Or what about the moon that gives light at night? Then there's all these beautiful plants. Some provide us with our own food, and others are simply beautiful to look at. Some flowers are so beautiful that we give then as gifts o others on special occasions or if someone is ill. Have you thought about the home that you live in? We don't have to look for somewhere to keep us warn or sheltered at night because we have our houses. We have a roof on our heads every night. We have beds to sleep on, and covers...

I thought it might be a good idea to bring some cheer in my life - as well as yours! So here are a few tips or 'pick-me-up' lines...from A-Z! Enjoy! A. Always remember that you are not alone B. Believe in yourself C. Confidence is vital to success D. Don't give up E. Esteem yourself and your abilities F. Faith will get you through tough times G. Get help from others when you need it H. Hope will give you peace I. Inner beauty is what counts J. Join others is praising your achievements K. Knowledge comes from experience L. Love yourself for who you are! M. Make time for yourself and what you like to do N. Never, never, EVER let someone tell you are not worth it O. Omit the stressors in your life P. Productivity means you are making the most of your life Q. Quiet times are perfect moments of reflection R. Realize how much potential you have S. Strength is not always physical, but often mental and emotional as well T. Tough times never last U. Understand ...

I've been in a tough place lately. Recovery-wise, I'm doing great. I'm eating well and am healthy. School is busy, but I'm also doing well. The problem, though, is my mood. I don't know what's going on. I just find that I have really low self-esteem. I don't know why - I'm healthy, smart, talented, and blessed to have loving family and friends. I have everything I could want and need.  So why do I not feel confident? I just feel that there's not much to be proud of. Even though I know there is. I'm not sure exactly what's making me feel this way. Maybe it ED, desperately trying to come back...? You foolish girl! What is there to be proud of? You've gained weight, you are eating - you have failed. You have in, you weak girl. You are eating, you are like everyone else now. There's nothing special about you, you are worthless. And it really hurts. I feel so down because it is as if I am 'stuck in a rut'. Here I am - doin...

This has been frustrating me for a while now. I just can't seem to get a goo sleep. I'll fall asleep fine, but then I'll wake up three hours later and it becomes so hard to sleep again. I have terrible nightmares. I'm annoyed because I wake up the next morning and feel so tired. I don't get proper, relaxing nights. Most of the time, my dreams are related to my struggles back when I was sick. Sometimes they are concerned with my family. Other times, I can't even remember what they are about. It really makes me angry because then I feel so tired in the morning. I've come to dread my bed and nighttime because I have a feeling that I won't sleep well. And I need my sleep! Sleep is important for everyone - it's when our bodies relax and get to regulate our hormones, chemicals, etc. But for anyone recovering from an illness (ED, physical injury, surgery, etc) sleep is especially important because it is when the body has a chance to rest from all the re...

Take a look at this article http://toronto.ctvnews.ca/ontario-physicians-call-for-junk-food-tax-1.1006929 . Basically, some health-care providers in Canada believe that we need to start putting an extra 'tax' on 'junk food'. They think that this will discourage people from buying thes foods, so they think that it will stop or decrease obeisity. But I have some problems with this idea. Obesity is a problem - I am not denying that. But is making a tax specially for 'junk foods' the way to treat obesity? First, what IS a junk food? The workers say that this includes 'desserts' like cakes, pies, cookies, chips, chocolate, candy, muffins, etc. But is that JUNK? I don't think so. Sure, they are not your typical and natural fruits and vegetables. And yes, they might just contain more calories, sugar, or fat than other foods. But does that make them JUNK? Junk, defined by any dictionary, is simply another word for 'garbage' or 'trash'. ...

I hate how I don't feel hungry most of the time. It makes me frustrated! It's annoying to have to 'know' when to eat by looking at the clock. I've been recovering for a while, but I still depend on the time to eat. This is probably one of the things I hate about recovery - my hunger cues are all messed up. Do I ever get hungry? I don't know! Maybe I do, but I'm not used to saying that I am...so I don't verbalize it or think about it. It's almost as if saying that I am hungry is wrong - I think this is ED. You see, ED convinced me that I was never hungry, even when my stomach hurt so much and I felt the pain there. He told me I could not possibly he hungry, because only I was special enough not to need food. He told me that getting hungry was a sign of weakness because that meant that I was not 'strong enough' to last without food. And part of this is actually a protective mechanism by the body. When normally we don't eat for a while, o...

I am once again very thrilled and blessed to say that another piece of mine has appeared on NEDIC. Please take a look at it - http://www.nedic.ca/blog/. Basically, life has been STRESSFUL! I have had so many things to do and I have not really had the 'peace of mind' that I wish I can have. It has been so crazy, dramatic, and eventful. School, family, health, recovery, friends, events - everything! I am so blessed to have this blog to write about it, NEDIC to share my experiences with others, readers who always support me, a family who loves me, and a God who watches over me. Check it out!

Ever had 'one of those days' when you just want to SCREAM? There may not be a reason - you just feel so overwhelmed and all you want to do is take a break...and maybe break something! Yesterday was like that for me. I was irritated. I was, as I would say, 'ticked off'. I wanted to scream at someone - anyone. I wanted to yell and shout. I wanted to break something. Honestly, if you saw me yesterday, I think you would be afraid! What was the reason? I honestly cannot pinpoint ONE reason. It seemed as though so many things were going wrong...I was busy, tired, I had a lot of self-esteem issues, and I was just..BLAH! But then when I talked to my mom about it, I found myself saying, "I don't know what is wrong. I have so many wonderful things in my life to be thankful for. But I just feel...icky". And that is what annoys me. I KNOW that I have so much to be happy for. I am blessed - I know that. But is it wrong to have one of those days when I just want...

It's been the only thing on the news lately: Lady Gaga has gained weight and has told the media that she once suffered from anorexia and bulimia. http://www.torontosun.com/2012/09/25/lady-gaga-battled-bulimia-and-anorexia Lady Gaga, a famous singer, struggling with ED? It is, sadly, not an unfamiliar tale. We have heard, multiple times, that celebrities are more at risk for this. Why? Because of all the pressures on them. They must look thin because they are always being watched, photographed, or talked to. They need to have the 'ideal' body - mainly, that women need to be tall, thin, beautiful, and blemish-free. Is this possible? Obviously not. But this does not mean that the media will stop telling us that it is. And so it comes as no surprise that many female celebrities are going through ED. Lady Gaga, in her statement, told the media that she struggled with eating disorders and is now learning to accept her body as it is. She encouraged all girls to do the sam...

Have you ever stopped to take a break and realize just how busy and hectic life can be? There seems to be so much going on at one time: there's school, homework, work, friends, family, events...the list goes on. I find myself waking up in the morning and feeling like there is simply too much that I have to do. I have to get up, get dressed, get to school, attend my classes, study for my tests, finish my assignments, stay in touch with my friends, see how my family is doing...WOW! I'm so overwhelmed. What am I forgetting? Oh, yes. To eat and take care of my health. It is not that I forget this per say...it's more like, 'wow. I'm so busy that I can hardly realize that I need to take time to eat'. And I never forget to eat, because I make sure that I have my eye on the clock - all the time. This may sound absurd, but it is the way I keep myself safe. It is how I remember to take care of ME while the rest of my life is demanding so much. Life is so hard to j...

Life is hard The challenge is tough Study and work It feels so rough We become so busy Caught up with things to do We feel so trapped The free hours seem so few We deal with difficult people And we are faced with long days It becomes too much and frustrating And sometimes, we can't see any of the sun's rays But just when it feels like it won't get better When it feels like you've taken it all A sense of hope fills your heart And you find strength to rise from the fall Yes, life is crazy With its turns and surprises But you have God, And His help comes in all sizes! So when you feel down As though you cannot persevere Just remember that there's always hope Because our God said, 'do not fear' (Isiah 41:10).

If you have not seen this already, I suggest you do. WARNING: this is just sad, plain wrong, and terrible. http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/blogs/beauty/nerina-orton-britain-8217-tiniest-waist-203600464.html The story, as you can see, is that a woman tried to shrink her waist by wearing a corset for nearly an entire day. Apparently, this did the trick. She shrunk her waist to a tiny size. Interestingly enough, the end of the article mentions that she had anorexia nervosa (AN). What bothers me about this is not that her waist is so small. It is the fact that she went to such an extreme to do so. She manipulated her body to get a small waist - in such an unhealthy manner. Sad, isn't it? What does this say to people today about their body size? That we have to go to such terrible ways of changing our bodies because we need to look a certain way? And what about the fact that this story made the news? It is REALLY so wonderful that she has done something like this, and that she is famous...

Yesterday I was standing behind two girls in a line-up.I heard her laughing with her friend saying that she "could NOT eat that cookie...it has too many calories!". Now, normally, this would mean nothing to anyone else. But to me, it kind of hit a soft spot. I have never counted calories...it was simply not part of my eating disorder. But it can be a problem for many other people. When I heard this girl say this...well, it got me thinking. Why count calories? It seems so mind-boggling. Imagine sitting at your desk and adding up everything that you ate in a day - it kind of seems depressing to me. Unless you are on a calorie-restricted diet, it seems to me that you would not need to count. I mean, how many people actually sit and add up their total calories?! It does not appear to be healthy, in my opinion. But hearing people say this made me feel uncomfortable. These girls were not fat, not even close! And yet she was saying that she could not eat something because it h...

What does it mean to be 'happy'? I know that this sounds like it has a simple answer...but think about. REALLY think about it. What do you feel when you are happy? What makes you KNOW that you are happy? When I really reflect on it, I think defining happiness is hard! I suppose I can say that when I am happy, I feel safe. I feel free. I feel that although hard times may soon come, right now, I am okay. Life can have good moments, and happiness is one of the best things about life. Deep into ED, I had lost any sense of feeling emotions - especially good ones. I never felt 'happy' because I was a slave to this hostile monster. ED filled my head night and day with harsh comments, reminders that I was fat and ugly, and the constant orders to inflict starvation upon myself. Don't eat. You must isolate yourself. Do not watch that movie, even if people call it funny. You do not need to laugh. You do not know HOW to laugh. You silly girl. No one likes you. You are fat...

 I know what you are thinking: mood swings are only for girls at a certain time of the month. In one way, this is true - menstruation does cause mood fluctuations. On the other hand, we ALL get mood swings - it's human. There can be many reasons why our moods can bounce around the charts. First, we are leading difficult lives. One moment you are happy because you got a good mark, and the next second you are devastated because you have an upcoming test. One moment you are distressed because you have a problem at work, and the next second your smiling because of a funny joke. Mood swings are difficult to handle. If your feeling great at first, feeling low the next second is devastating. It feels like the happiness is being swept out of your soul. And if you feel sad one minute and happy the next, it feels as though your problems have disappeared. Strange, isn't it? But what's important is how we deal with these moments. Sometimes, I just want to scream because of my uns...

I think at some point, we all feel a bit insecure. We may question why we are doing what we are, why we are on this earth, or how we will manage with all the obstacles in life. It gets so overwhelming when we have too much to do, but so little time. Sometimes, I question whether or not I'm actually 'up to' my life - can I really do it? Will I survive?! This insecurity can be really bothersome. No one wants to have doubt that they can accomplish great things. But then there are days when it feels like we are getting nowhere...and this insecure or unsure feeling aches in our hearts, threatening to take away our hope and joy. When I feel like this, I don't want to do anything. I feel like I CAN'T do anything because I'm unsure if I can actually succeed. Honestly, when I feel this insecurity, I get nothing done because I'm too busy worrying about everything in my life. What's a person to do?! Feeling insecure is so debilitating - it makes us feel power...

I am privileged and blessed to say that one of my blog posts was chosen to be featured on the National Eating Disorder Information Centre of Canada's website (NEDIC). This is amazing - I will be a contributor to this blog on a regular basis (it's updated every 1-2 months, so still come here for my blogs!).Please go to  http://www.nedic.ca/blog/  to see it! NEDIC is an amazing resource for information about eating disorders. They really advocate for people with ED, and they do not favour just one way of treatment. Any way of getting better is good - and NEDIC supports people with ED. I have gained a lot of information from their website. I can't believe that my writing is being featured online, in an organization that is known worldwide for its influences and advocacy for eating disorders. Having my blog pieces on NEDIC means that I am recognized, worldwide, as a writer. WOW. It is amazing to think that in April, I was dying in the hospital because of ED, thinking that I...

I recently came upon an image that I quite liked. Basically, it said "HOPE. Hold On, Pain Ends". Wow. Whoever came up with this is a genius. How many times have you felt hopeless? You know...that feelings that nothing is going right, that the world is such a hard place to be in, that your life keeps throwing obstacles at you, and that you just want to SCREAM?! I think I'm the queen of hopelessness. I've had my share of days that seemed like life was ending. That nothing would ever get better. I remember the days in the hospital when I would ask the doctors when I would be out of there - and they would look at me and stare - we all knew that I did not have a good chance of even getting out alive. I recall the days in the ICU, when I had the breathing tube and dialysis. I would open my eyes for a few seconds and see darkness all around me - and then I'd feel the soft touch of my mom, dad, or sister next to me. And the next thing I knew, I was out again (the me...

Many people have asked me about how ED took over. They wonder how I let myself slip down to such a low weight without realizing it. Did I realize it? Did I not see that I was dying and losing weight so quickly? When did I realize that it was ED and not just losing weight for a healthy reason? And they are all great questions...I hope I can answer them to the best of my ability. Did I realize that I was losing weight? OF COURSE! I started off trying to lose weight because people teased me for being larger than they were. So, I came up with a great solution: decrease food intake = lose weight. And that is what I did. Eat less, lose weight, see number on scale go down, feel good, repeat. But then days came where I would just stop losing weight - the body does this because it adjusts itself to the amount of food it is getting. Eventually, my metabolism slowed down to keep my body where it was because it didn't want me to lose anymore. So, I had to come up with a solution. Yes, yo...

Yesterday was a really busy day. I had classes all day, with no breaks in between. It was hectic. I was studying my notes for a test, listening to a lecture, and practicing my nursing skills. Once I got home, I had to type an assignment, watch tutorial videos, and print my next lectures. By eight o'clock at night, I was exhausted. I felt so tired, but I had so much work left to do. I took a peek into my family room and saw my parents sitting, watching a movie. And I really wanted to go sit with them...just to breathe and have some fun. It was so frustrating - should I go have fun? NO! I couldn't go...I had way too much work to do. But I was SO tired...didn't I deserve a little break? My mom soon came into the room and told me that I had been studying for too long, and that it was time for a break. I had been working all day long - the least I could do now was to have some fun. My perfectionism started to kick in. I couldn't just stop working now - I had so much left...

I was sitting in my class and listening to my lecture. And I looked at the time because I was just so bored and couldn't wait to finish. Lo and behold, it was time to whip out my lunch and eat. Then ED started blabbing. You don't feel hungry now. Why would you eat when you are not hungry?! That would make you a pig. And then you'd gain even more weight! Besides, most people around you skip lunch. Don't eat - who will ever know? AH!!! In one way, he's right - no one would ever know. No one notices whether you've eaten at school or not. So technically, I could just not eat. Skip lunch or my snack. I did it for many years...why shouldn't I do it now? But I'm different now. I know that when I don't eat, I give in to ED. I give him a chance to come back into my life and ruin it. And I've felt the benefits of eating - my stomach doesn't growl with hunger pains, my legs aren't weak anymore, and my personality is coming back. As much as ED hate...

Today I had a really hectic day. I had no time to go to the bathroom because I had one class after another. It was crazy. I felt so stressed because of all the work that I had to do. The good news is that I ate all my meals and snacks, even though I was so busy. I kept watch over the time and I made sure that I did not miss anything. So, kudos to me. The bad news is that I feel really 'icky'. Simply put, I feel disgusted of myself. I feel that I am such a pig, stuffing myself with food as I work on my assignments. I feel so 'fat' as I am walking to class and munching on my chocolate bar - no, not my snack - my dessert after a meal. It makes me feel so 'weird' when the person nexts to me says that they are 'starving' and then pull out a salad to eat. ARE YOU KIDDING?! A salad? I mean, that is great that they want to be healthy and all. But it is ever so hard to see people hardly eating, and then eating so much food. ED hates it. Look how much you ar...

Do you ever have that feeling that people are staring at you? Not in the 'oh I'm so great and people can't stop looking at me' way, but more like 'do I have something on my face?' type of thing. This feeling is really eerie. I become so self-conscience when this happens because it makes me feel that I look weird to others - and this is why they must be staring at me. The interesting thing is that people might not even be staring at me! They could be lost somewhere in thought and just looking around, they could be bored an daydreaming, or they might be looking at something behind me. But ED tells me that this isn't true - that others are looking at me because I look fat or ugly. You stupid girl! People are looking at you and wondering how you managed to get so fat in so short of a time! They are realizing how much weight you gained. It is so obvious. How hideous you look to them! And it goes on and on. It is so painful to hear these words because they make me...

Something that I've noticed during my recovery is that everyone eats. And they enjoy eating, too. I know - it sounds obvious, right? Well, when I was deep into ED, I didn't realize how important it was that I eat. I mean - I knew that everyone ELSE has to eat, but of course, ED told me that I was that one special person who could survive without food. Everyone is weak. They need food to do their work. But now you. No, you do not need to eat. Look how strong you are! Look how you are able to function without food! So why would you eat?! And for the most part, I'm sad to admit that ED was right - I was able to function. I woke up, did my school work, went to school, and got As on everything. I studied, I read, and I passed all of my courses. So, it sure felt that I could function without food. But what I neglected what the fact that I was not actually functioning. Sure, I was getting great marks in school. But I lost my personality, my smile, and my sense of humour. I...

Have you ever thought about the act of smiling? It sounds silly, right? Why would we THINK about smiling - we just 'smile' and that's that. But why do you smile? Is it because you are happy? Or because something is funny? Smiling is such a great thing. I'm sure you've heard that smiling actually uses less muscles than frowning. There is a lot of research on emotions and facial expressions. One study showed that when we smile, we tighten some facial muscles. This, in turn, reduces some blood flow to a sinus, which means that cooler blood reaches the brain. Apparently, cooling of the blood to the brain provides us with pleasant feelings (I'm NOT telling you to purposely make your blood cold to feel good - it only happens if it is natural!) - see http://www.nytimes.com/1989/07/18/science/a-feel-good-theory-a-smile-affects-mood.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm  for details. Another study found that laughing actually decreases stress hormonse such as cortisol (whic...

I've just started school, and already I'm flustered with the amout of work that I have. Well, there's nursing for you. I'm flipping pages back and forth, taking notes on a book, listening to a module, trying to learn how to insert an NG tube into a patient...what am I forgetting? Oh yes, time for myself. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily hassles of life. Especially for me - someone who loves to study and enjoys it. And it is great that I love learning, because you really need that if you are in nursing. But it becomes a problem when all you can do is think about school, your homework, the patients you need to care for, and what time you need to be at school. This is something that I have struggled with all my life, but since ED came along, I have realized tbat I tend to get worried about my work more than I should be. I'm not quite sure what the connection is, but I believe that this is ED's way of making me feel the pressures to be 'perfect...

I saw so many of my peers and classmates at school today. It was great to be back at school. Everyone was waving to others, smiling around, and talking about their summer vacations. And then it hit me: I really had nothing to talk about in terms of my summer. Everyone - or most people - who know me know that I was ill with ED last summer. So imagine the awkward moment when I've asked them about their summer, and they respond with a huge statement of how it was awesome, how they did so much, etc. And then - as if on cue - they ask, 'and what about you?!' And just as I am about to open my mouth to remind them of what I did this summer, they say, 'oh. right. I'm sorry. But I'm glad you are better!'. And then I smile and say 'thank you', they smile, and the conversation is over. AWKWARD. I mean, it is really nice of them to be glad that I am better...but I can just see it in their eyes. Or at least, ED doesn. They must be thinking that you had su...

Today I went to school - my first day back. I was heading towards the office for my program, where I was to speak with my academic advisor. When I arrived there, I saw one of my friends who knows about my anorexia. She was standing with one of her freinds who I did not know. After she asked me how I was doing, I continued on my way. As I left, I overheard her friend saying, 'BUT SHE DOESN'T LOOK ANOEXIC!'. Ouch. Like, really really REALLY ouch. This threw me off. I did what I needed to do, and then I got home. The entire time, the person's words echoed in my head: she doesn't look anorexic... What did this person mean? That I didn't look 'thin enough' or 'sick enough' to have anorexia? That I looked fat and could possibly have had an eating disorder? That to have this illness, I have to look emaciated and deathly? ED, of course, took this to heart. And he made me think about it over and over again. They said you don't look like you ...