Ever had 'one of those days' when you just want to SCREAM? There may not be a reason - you just feel so overwhelmed and all you want to do is take a break...and maybe break something!
Yesterday was like that for me. I was irritated. I was, as I would say, 'ticked off'. I wanted to scream at someone - anyone. I wanted to yell and shout. I wanted to break something. Honestly, if you saw me yesterday, I think you would be afraid!
What was the reason? I honestly cannot pinpoint ONE reason. It seemed as though so many things were going wrong...I was busy, tired, I had a lot of self-esteem issues, and I was just..BLAH!
But then when I talked to my mom about it, I found myself saying, "I don't know what is wrong. I have so many wonderful things in my life to be thankful for. But I just feel...icky".
And that is what annoys me. I KNOW that I have so much to be happy for. I am blessed - I know that. But is it wrong to have one of those days when I just want to moan and compain? Is it okay to be tired, frustrated, and angry?
Of course it is. I just don't let myself do it. Why? Maybe it is because I am afraid. I am scared to admit that 'everything is not perfect' in my life now that I am recvering. It is as if I expect that once ED is out, everything will be beautiful and happy and I will live the best life ever. I wish it was that simple.
Yes, having ED out of my life is a big relief, as well as a blessing. I am blessed and lucky that I have comet this far. But that does not mean that I cannot have a day when I'm tired and frustrated - we all do. I guess now the important thing for me to learn is that it is OKAY to have a day when I'm tired, and it is alright to complain. In fact, it is NORMAL to do so. Keeping it in is what is wrong - that is what I did with ED, and where did it get me? Nowhere.
So I guess what I'm learning is that yes, life is good now that ED is gone. But that does not mean that life will be perfect with no problems and frustrations. It is normal to have times when you want to complain. But keeping it in to yourself means that it will build and accumulate, until one day you just BURST. And when you decide to burst, you will feel that it would have been so much better if you had let it out at the time. Trust me, I have experience.
It is going to take time to get used to letting 'stuff' out like this. It will also take time to learn that it is alright to have bad days when I am frustrated. But most of all, it will take time to realize that I am human, and I am ALLOWED to have these 'icky' feelings. We all do. I hope and pray that one day, whenever I get these feelings, I can look back and realize that this is a good sign. ED is not nagging me anymore to keep my feelings inward, to pretend that all is perfect when it is not. I am learning, as weird as it sounds, to be 'human' again.