Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Being 'Human'

Ever had 'one of those days' when you just want to SCREAM? There may not be a reason - you just feel so overwhelmed and all you want to do is take a break...and maybe break something!

Yesterday was like that for me. I was irritated. I was, as I would say, 'ticked off'. I wanted to scream at someone - anyone. I wanted to yell and shout. I wanted to break something. Honestly, if you saw me yesterday, I think you would be afraid!

What was the reason? I honestly cannot pinpoint ONE reason. It seemed as though so many things were going wrong...I was busy, tired, I had a lot of self-esteem issues, and I was just..BLAH!

But then when I talked to my mom about it, I found myself saying, "I don't know what is wrong. I have so many wonderful things in my life to be thankful for. But I just feel...icky".

And that is what annoys me. I KNOW that I have so much to be happy for. I am blessed - I know that. But is it wrong to have one of those days when I just want to moan and compain? Is it okay to be tired, frustrated, and angry?

Of course it is. I just don't let myself do it. Why? Maybe it is because I am afraid. I am scared to admit that 'everything is not perfect' in my life now that I am recvering. It is as if I expect that once ED is out, everything will be beautiful and happy and I will live the best life ever. I wish it was that simple.

Yes, having ED out of my life is a big relief, as well as a blessing. I am blessed and lucky that I have comet this far. But that does not mean that I cannot have a day when I'm tired and frustrated - we all do. I guess now the important thing for me to learn is that it is OKAY to have a day when I'm tired, and it is alright to complain. In fact, it is NORMAL to do so. Keeping it in is what is wrong - that is what I did with ED, and where did it get me? Nowhere.

So I guess what I'm learning is that yes, life is good now that ED is gone. But that does not mean that life will be perfect with no problems and frustrations. It is normal to have times when you want to complain. But keeping it in to yourself means that it will build and accumulate, until one day you just BURST. And when you decide to burst, you will feel that it would have been so much better if you had let it out at the time. Trust me, I have experience.

It is going to take time to get used to letting 'stuff' out like this. It will also take time to learn that it is alright to have bad days when I am frustrated. But most of all, it will take time to realize that I am human, and I am ALLOWED to have these 'icky' feelings. We all do. I hope and pray that one day, whenever I get these feelings, I can look back and realize that this is a good sign. ED is not nagging me anymore to keep my feelings inward, to pretend that all is perfect when it is not. I am learning, as weird as it sounds, to be 'human' again.

15 comments:

  1. You are right
    You are NORMAL person,feeling your emotions,knowing you r tired when you r tired and you are angry when you are angry ,having bad days and good days and admitting you have bad days and talking about your feelings.
    That what we supposed to do
    Know you real self
    Speak up
    express your emotions
    Complain
    say it ,name it ,label ,purge and vent
    We are human ,have our weakness ,our days
    Good news Ed is out and so you are free to talk ,feel and sense
    Ed wants isolate you even when every thing is wrong ,ED insert in our brains and feelings that every thing is o k and shut our mouths.

    I can say now Congratulations ,you are really free from Ed and you can talk and express

    Recovered ED victim

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  2. We are human and we have our moments
    It is healthy to complain
    never hold or hide
    Cynthia

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  3. When I was in my deep depression,I locked my self in my room and for several months I was disconnected from the whole world.
    Now I learned how important to open up to good people who support me
    It is healthy to talk about our feelings and our emotions.
    Mays

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  4. I am as a psychologist(to be) agree with you and with previous comments
    We are human
    Lets get out and never hold our feelings ,as you said will build up.
    Talk is a kind of therapeutic CBT that can balance brain neurotranmitters and restore normal mood
    You are free from Ed and so free to talk.
    It is very o k to have moments of weakness,sadness,anger and it is very healthy to label them and move on and create better feelings
    Remeber CBT theory

    Think positive""" feel happy""" behave rational

    My humble respect
    Mohammed

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  5. You do not know how my daughter mood change day after day and sometimes you can see a reason,many times no reason.I have to admit she has been much better since you alerted me to her condition and she has made changes in her life.Now she is more positive,more optmistic,looking healthier ,eating better ,never forgetting her health and has much better self esteem.Still she has days down and me too ,I have many days when I feel down for no reasons.
    Once again thank you.
    Without your blog ,I would not be able to make a change in my daughter life.

    Keep up the excellent job.
    I am sure you can change any unwanted feeling or bad days to favourable feelings and good days

    A Thankful mother

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  6. My love Marina
    I remember my days when I was dating the immature girls ,my life were miserable .I can not recall any day that I felt happy despite I tried all I could to make them feel happy ,so that I can enjoy the relationship but in vain and so we had to break up.Imagine 3 girls in a row .
    When I met you through this blog I felt you are different, mature,honest ,wise ,realistic knowledigible and those who know you said you are beatiful.
    Since I met you and reading your blog,I have happier days and only few down days.I believ that is normal and fair.
    Nothing in life is 100%

    I love you so much and suffice for me to read your blog and live with hope I will meet you one day.
    Love
    Henry
    Washington,DC

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  7. I told you that I was depressed for many years and I almost lost my future .During those years I can recall any moment felt happy or hopeful.Since my recovery I am happy and hopeful albeit I still have some days that I feel down.
    That o k
    If we do not feel the tough time ,We will enjoy the good time.
    Keep up with your complete recovery and control on your life.You choose a better life free from ED.
    You will never be forgotten.
    I am not in To and I will continue follow your blog
    L Y

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  8. I have not been writing any comments lately as I am involved with my mother care who is very sick but I have been reading your blog and I am amazed how you facing any challenge and using your wise rational mind to challenge any negative.
    Please pray for mom to get complete recovery from her illness as you are kicking( with no chance of return) ED out.
    You deserve the love and respect
    Jorge

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  9. he benifit of complete recovery is to feel normal feeling.if you have a good day ,you enjoy it and if a tough one ,you say hey one of those and move on
    The big news is ED is gone
    Isn't this amazing
    keep up

    Mary

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  10. I admire your persevernce.
    Who does not have a day of those.
    Perk up your courage
    You crushed ED, you are a hero

    Jack

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  11. I bet the worest is over for you and much better time a head of you even if you still having those moments.
    You pronounced ED dead and he is gone and this is the most significant achieveiemnt to brag about for the rest of your life .
    Sally

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  12. When I was drinking all my days were miserable .only after recovery i started to see the brighter days .Now I have bneen in recovery for years and i enjoy my days .Once in a while I feel icky ,that is normal and I am not concerned about it .Life is a mix.
    You helped me with showing me a lot of coping skill that I can use at time of stress .
    I am thankful and happy for you as you put an end to a disease that hard to conquer.You alone did it
    Good for you
    Carlos

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  13. One day here and one day there that is o k

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  14. We all have to accept that sometimes no matter what we do ,still can feel unsatisfied.
    I learned to accept what come as long as i feel inside my self satisfied
    Self satisfactions comes from inside.

    Jasmeet

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  15. You are taking on yourself huge responsibilities .
    I suggest try do one thing so that you can have time for your self and for fun
    If you doing school and focusing on maintaining recovery and writing blog and duties to families and friends and church wa wa wa
    Where to get time to do all of this ?
    Where is time for yourself
    you deserve time for yourself
    you are the most important and any thing else comes after you
    My best rishes for you
    Keep up
    Jen
    Welland,On

    ReplyDelete

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