The Credit That I Deserve

Have you ever stopped to take a break and realize just how busy and hectic life can be? There seems to be so much going on at one time: there's school, homework, work, friends, family, events...the list goes on.

I find myself waking up in the morning and feeling like there is simply too much that I have to do. I have to get up, get dressed, get to school, attend my classes, study for my tests, finish my assignments, stay in touch with my friends, see how my family is doing...WOW! I'm so overwhelmed.

What am I forgetting? Oh, yes. To eat and take care of my health. It is not that I forget this per say...it's more like, 'wow. I'm so busy that I can hardly realize that I need to take time to eat'.

And I never forget to eat, because I make sure that I have my eye on the clock - all the time. This may sound absurd, but it is the way I keep myself safe. It is how I remember to take care of ME while the rest of my life is demanding so much.

Life is so hard to juggle. Everyone struggles, once in a while, to finish all that they have to do. So it becomes so easy to remember that we actually need time for ourselves. To feel that we deserve a little 'free time'. But life makes it so difficult to get this time.

ED makes it especially hard to give myself the credit and time that I deserve. He tells me that I don't need to take time 'off' for myself. He constantly pushes me to work and to not give myself the credit for all my work. He downplays all my efforts at success and makes me feel that I am not doing anything worthy of praise or satisfaction.

So what? You are eating and doing your work? That is nothing. You are doing nothing special. There is nothing to be proud of. You are weak, you gave in and started eating. You silly girl, you have failed at everything. There is nothing worthy of praise in you.

It really hurts, to be honest. It makes me feel as though all my efforts to be successful are meaningless. As though what I am doing - recovering from an illness and continuing with the rest of my life at the same time - is not hard work. But deep down, I know that it is. I feel this every single day as I make myself eat, despite not wanting to. As I feel that I have gotten bigger and that I look different. Everyday has it's own struggles and challenges.

So, what to do? Well, it is enough that I am working so hard at my recovery and the rest of my life. I do not need ED to come in and try to bring me down. He tries to tell me that I am not successful? Well, I have proof that I am. I survived my stay at the hospital, I got back up, and I am eating again. I am defeating him everytime I put a bite of food into my mouth, everytime I ignore his irrational commands, and everytime I decide that he has no place in my life. It is much easier said than done. But it is what has to happen.

Because I have proof that I have done a good job. I have fought my way through ED and I have emerged as a stronger and healthier individual. I have realized that ED does not need to take space in my life. I have seen that I am worthy of happiness and freedom. I deserve to feel successful, just like everyone else. I deserve credit for all my work. And so do you. It does not need to be ED that tells you that you are not successful - it can be a little voice in your head, it can be friends or family, or even people at work. But you must not let them tell you that you are not worthy of credit. Because you are. Each day you open you eyes, do good, be kind, and do the work that you need to, you deserve to know that you are successful. So give yourself the credit that you deserve...you owe it to yourself!

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