Sunday, 7 October 2012

Becoming Happy

What does it mean to be 'happy'? I know that this sounds like it has a simple answer...but think about. REALLY think about it. What do you feel when you are happy? What makes you KNOW that you are happy?

When I really reflect on it, I think defining happiness is hard! I suppose I can say that when I am happy, I feel safe. I feel free. I feel that although hard times may soon come, right now, I am okay. Life can have good moments, and happiness is one of the best things about life.

Deep into ED, I had lost any sense of feeling emotions - especially good ones. I never felt 'happy' because I was a slave to this hostile monster. ED filled my head night and day with harsh comments, reminders that I was fat and ugly, and the constant orders to inflict starvation upon myself.

Don't eat. You must isolate yourself. Do not watch that movie, even if people call it funny. You do not need to laugh. You do not know HOW to laugh. You silly girl. No one likes you. You are fat and ugly and useless. Stay close to me...I will give you what you want. You don't need anything or anyone else.

And for a long time, I listened to ED. Having this disorder made me different from people - I didn't 'need' to eat because I was somehow special that way. I did not have to laugh because there was simply nothing good in my life to laugh about. I did not feel happy because I was not enjoying life. I was stuck in a never-ending hole of darkness, pain, and struggles.

Even in treatment, I have to admit, I was NOT happy. I was full of anger, hurt, and confusion. It was only when I realized that I had to overcome ED that I felt the need to be happy. If I did not want to get better, I could not beat ED. I had to feel that I was done with him. And thank God, I did. I started to take control of my health. I did not wait for doctors, my parents, or anyone else to tell me to care for myself. I did it. For me. Because I was worth it. And because I wanted to know what it really felt like to be 'happy'.

I cannot say that all my problems are over. Let's face it, everyone has obstacles in life. I have many. But I also have a God who cares for me, a family who loves me, and friends who support me. I can smile when I see a familiar face, I can laugh when I hear a funny joke, and I can confidently say that ED is not winning. I feel as though I have broken the chains that have held me victim for so long. I feel this sense of power and achievement. It feels great.

I suppose this is what feeling 'happy' means. To enjoy life to the fullest, knowing that I have done whatever I can to defeat ED. And knowing that at the end of the day, I refuse to let ED take over again.

"Cheer up, for I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).


  1. I am so thankful to God that you declaring winning the war aginst Ed and you feeling the happiness in life that you deserve.
    Thanks for conquerring this monster and freeing your self and being a role model to many others struggling as a slave under his abusive contolling demands.
    I wait to read you blog.
    Have a Happy Thanks giving
    Thank you
    I wish If I know you and invite you to the best thanksgiving dinner.

    A Thankful mother

  2. The happiness is invaluable.We need it and have to look for it and make our daily endeavour.
    Life is short and nothing should encroach on our feelings of happiness.
    Good blog that makes me happy

  3. Hi Marina
    I am Anne again
    I am still IP and now taking priviliges.I can not agree with you more .You really depicting the exact picure of victims with Ed and you clearly mentioning the brighter image when in recovery.
    Knowing that happiness is coming after recovery will help me stay the course no matter how hard.
    I am like you making my decison to defeat Ed and I will continue be IP and get the support of the staff.
    I hope that soo I will feel the happiness.
    Your blog is my motivation,support and I will follow your feet steps.

    Happy Thanks giving


  4. No one knows the importance and joy of happiness more than those who missed for very long .I think all victims of ED,depression and other mental illess are denied that joyful feeling till recovery.
    I am a socail worker and I see your talent as a therapist and writer also.
    Happy THANKS G

    K W

  5. Marina
    This blog exactly describing my case when I was slave to Ed and also my case after complete recovery and now in a happy life .
    I think this blog will send a great messge of hope to all Ed and promise them with happiness that will come along with recovery.
    Happy Thnaks giving

    Recovered ED victim

  6. The benifit of complete recovery is to feel happy and safe.
    This blog makes me happy


  7. I know what you mean whn you feel happy.I almost forgot what is happiness in my deep depression and now same as you feel and enjoy the happiness.It is a great joy to feel happy.
    Happy Thanks giving day


  8. God may allow some obstacles in our life but our God's blessing is joy ,happiness and peace on earth.
    You derve the happiness,freedom and safety.All these are gifts from God and not from any human being.
    Enjoy the happiness that you deserve.

    Sunday Priest

  9. Hi Marina
    I share with you the happiness and I tell I got a promation and I am now working in TGH.
    Happy Thanks giving my dear

    L Y

  10. How articulate you are in this blog that add happiness to readers.
    With my humble respect,I wish you happy thanksgiving


  11. Recovery from a serious disease gives joy and happiness to the person and those around.
    Enjoy it ,you deserve it

    medical student

  12. I hope all the happiness contine with you for ever.You deserve all the best.You are a skilled writer.

  13. My Love
    If you are happy I am the happiest.
    You are the most wonderful person and deserve all the happiness.
    I love you soo much and I will not lose hope one day I will know you and meet you


  14. We need the happiness and we need to look for it if not so close to us

    I like your blog.

  15. If you do not deserve all the happiness,whp does/?

  16. Happiness is just few steps away from us and we just need to walk these few steps and get it
    Health science student

  17. Your blog says a lot but I can tell you really winning the fight against ED when you said ,you are taking on this responsibity to free you self from ED slavery and you want to be free and happy from his control.Having being happy,in control ,not yielding to ED blackmailing.This is the real recocery
    I do not think some one ever recovered and continued in recery faster than you.

  18. Hope promote happiness and happiness gives hope and you believe in both
    sales Manager

  19. Your taking on your own resposibility of complete recovery and trshing ED is nothing short of renovation and revolution in ED treatment.
    You are a pioneer


  20. Happiness is contagious

  21. You are sending a message of hope to all in misery.
    May God bless you.

  22. Happiness is not far away from any of us.Some get it easier and some strife and strugle years to feel some of it.
    You finally got after long wait and you deserve it.
    My congrat


  23. No gain without pain
    You poor girl have been in pain for so long .
    You deserve the happiness,joy and hope from now and for ever.
    Hold into your gain and never lose any of what you achieved.

    Medical radiology student

  24. You are making a history by your hard work and feeling happy
    Please be easy on your self and make sure to enjoy the happiness and make it life long

    Lab technician

  25. What is with the convention of people posting comments anonymously - then their name and their occupation on this blog? I am just wondering how you drummed up readership because I want to start a blog of my own about recover from bulimia

    do you know most of these people in real life ?
    Jenn – in recovery from bulimia

    1. Hi Jenn!

      A great blog comes from a person who really understands their subject matter and gears their blog at a certain group of people. Having a primary focus, which I assume yours will be about overcoming Bulimia is key.

      I used to write for my University's blog and then later switched to writing a Food blog. That blog skyrocketed as I had people promote me on their blogs (I'd write an article for them) and because it was such a hot topic. It's not only eating disorder patients who obsess over food!! Ironic as it is, I suffer from Anorexia Nervosa so I ended that blog (Since most of the food I was preparing did not coincide with what I truly ate) and started up a blog about Mental Health. The way I gained followers was by tweeting and posting it on my Facebook. In order to be successful with your blog you can't be embarrassed by the paths you've had to take to get where you are today. While "tweeting" about a blog about Bulimia may seem hard, if it's what you want, then you have to admit to others what you've been going through. From there on, it only takes 1 person to tell it to their friend and word spreads quickly. You can easily gain followers from your family and extended family, and it's most likely that they will pass your blog forward.

      That's just my opinion but I am not an expert.

  26. Marina I would love if you would write a post for my blog which advocates for the Rights of Mental Health and Promotes Reducing the Stigma around Depression, Eating Disorders and other Mental Health Illnesses.

    You could even use this post (With your permission I could post it, add a picture of you, and link it back to your website) or choose one you've written to make it easier (Since I assume you are busy writing midterms).

    Please let me know! Miss ya girl. Glad to see how WELL you are doing


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