Monday, 17 September 2012

That 'feeling'

I was sitting in my class and listening to my lecture. And I looked at the time because I was just so bored and couldn't wait to finish. Lo and behold, it was time to whip out my lunch and eat.

Then ED started blabbing.

You don't feel hungry now. Why would you eat when you are not hungry?! That would make you a pig. And then you'd gain even more weight! Besides, most people around you skip lunch. Don't eat - who will ever know?
AH!!! In one way, he's right - no one would ever know. No one notices whether you've eaten at school or not. So technically, I could just not eat. Skip lunch or my snack. I did it for many years...why shouldn't I do it now?

But I'm different now. I know that when I don't eat, I give in to ED. I give him a chance to come back into my life and ruin it. And I've felt the benefits of eating - my stomach doesn't growl with hunger pains, my legs aren't weak anymore, and my personality is coming back. As much as ED hates it, eating has been the most important thing I've done in my recovery.

So whenever ED tries to tell me that I'm not hungry and shouldn't eat, I just have to say that while I may not be hungry, I have to eat. As much as I hate the phrase 'food is medicine', sometimes it helps to serve as a reminder of why I'm eating when I don't feel like it. And as much as I know that no one will realize that I haven't eaten, I've chosen to recover and it is my duty to keep my body healthy.

ED will try anything to get me to restrict and become his slave once again. Part of recovery is knowing when he is deceiving me and exposing his lies. Because the more I expose hi terrible ways, the more I realize how corruptive he is.


  1. My beloevd daughter ,I have been praying for you and I was waiting for your blog and here it comes,Your reply to ED means that God is on your side and your are for sure winning and defeating ED.You do not believe any of his thoughts or you do not buy in to his blackmailing you.You are liberated with Jesus c and not any more a slave of ED.
    Prayres work Marina and you are winning and I am reading this blog again and agin and very happy you are challenging the monster and no WAY you will listen to his voice but only voice of GOD

    Sunday Priest

  2. Thank God you are staying strong and hard against this monster and you will never give in to his threats or listens to his lies.You are my role model and I am very happy each time I read your blog.Keep going my daer daughter(if you allow me to be as your mother)

    A Thankful mother

  3. Your blog is very interesting and gives good insight into ED. Would you write a post or explain a little bit about when you developed ED , when your symptoms started etc.

    Did your ED come on suddenly ?

  4. To the previous comment,please read all the blog from the start and you will find all the answers.
    I do not have ED myself or some body I know now but I am learning about it as I recall seen people suffering same problems and I could not understand what was going on and I could not help them.
    To the author,I see you as a excellent writer and a kind knowledgible therapist who are so keen to help others.
    A retired teacher

    1. I am just wondering when the ED thoughts started like at what age and when she started restricting. Did this all happen in first year university for example? Was there an initial trigger etc.

  5. As you said here are the real benifits of recovery
    To know eating is the most important thing you have done in your recovery.You start to feel your body needs.Because you are eating your meals ,you do not feel the killing hunger pains and your leg is not weak and not sore (unless you stand long time or do more walking and that is normal for every body)
    Above all benifit ,you said you are different now ,you personality coming back.I believe no matter how much rust added to a gold jewellery when ignored ,once you clean it ,you will see ,feel and enjoy the real gold.
    I do not know you personally ,only I know you from your blog but I can tell you are very sweet loving beautiful girl.You have strong personality and you have strong belief,altruism and morality.

    I pray and admire you


  6. Here you go
    Once you realize that you are diffent and you WANT get recovered and ED is very corruptive and a big lier ..To me this is 99% recovery as Ed will not be able to penetrate your defence and strong detrmination.As you know Ed first make his victims weak ,low self esteem and then abuse them till death.

    I see you are different now and you are teaching all of us how to get stronger too.
    Even I am recoverd ,no relapse for 5 years ,I am very amazed ,how you are alone not in program able to overcome the challenge and go through all this and also going to school .

    Your blog is very helpful to all of us

    You are a very respected girl

    A recovered ED victim

  7. Marina
    I am very happy that you are stronger than your enemy ED.I applaud you.

  8. That is what I want to hear
    You are stronger than any challenge ,could that be ,ED or else.
    However please do not let stress of school affect you.I would rather take school easy and continue your fight against ED till you decalre complete victory.This is your top priority and many of ED victims waiting to hear.
    You are strong and nothing can fool you


  9. Very pleased to read this and know that you are progressing and allowing ED in your life again.


  10. Beautiful Marina

    I am happy that you doing well in recovery and same time school.I know you are talented and able to do multitasks>you clearly said that recovery is Your choice and this is my first time I read that you mention the benifts of recovery on your health.When you believe in it ,you will do it.

    You are my role model in resiliance and determination.
    I am looking forward meet with you one day ,one time

    My love ,prayers and support
    L Y

  11. just wondering when the ED thoughts started for you ? when did you start restricting? Did this all happen in first year university for you? Was there an initial trigger ?


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