Sunday, 2 September 2012

School

Schol starts in four days, and I'm feeling mixed emotions about this. I mean, the great thing is that I will be back at my university, studying what I love best - nursing. The workload is heavy and tough, but I love learning about my future career. I love seeing my friends and having a good laugh. I enjoy practicing my skills on dummies (it actually is pretty fun...!).

So, what could be wrong with this? Well, the first thing is obvious - the heavy workload. I love nursing, so I am always on time with my work. But part of me is staring at my schedule and wondering how on earth I am supposed to have a life when I'm always at school. Balance, I guess, is key.

The problem is that once school starts, I get into full-nerd mode. I study like crazy. Last year, I did this at the expense of my health. But this year, I have to be vigilant not to let ED take control again.

Oh, look at that! It is ten minutes past when you should be eating lunch. Oh well. I guess you'll just have to skip that meal. Don't eat.

People will stare at you because you are eating. They'll call you a pig and mention how you gained weight. Don't eat.

You won't have any physical activity during school so you will gain even MORE weight and get MORE fat. Don't eat.

No one else eats as much as you do. Everyone around you is fit and thin. Do you really want to look like the biggest one and be the outcast? Don't eat.

Do you see a pattern here? That's right - ED's whole intention is to get me not to eat. He'll taunt me, saying that people will be staring at me as I eat. He'll tell me that I will be fat and look hideous. ED screams into my ears, wanting me to succumb into his commands - to stop eating, to ignore any hunger pains, and to smile as if everything is alright.

It gets extremely frustrating when I'm having a bad day, full of problems and homework, and ED is shouting at me, wanting me to restrict. But inside, I know where restricting got me - the ICU, the hospital, and honestly, nowhere pleasant. So - as hard as it is - when school starts, I have to tell ED to back off. I'm not going to listen to him anymore. I'm going to go back to school and do my homework. And eat my food.

And I won't let ED join me. Not today, not tomorrow - or even the day after that. Will he backdown right away? Probably not. But eventually, ED will see that he has no place in my life. And the less attention that he gets, the more he disappears.

26 comments:

  1. Marina, I am so proud of you! After reading your blog I believe that you have the strength to start school again on a fresh note. You WILL find the heathy balance because I know you have the strength to do so. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. Please keep praying for me - this is not an easy road. I appreciate all your support and kindness; I am very blessed. May the Lord bless you!

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  2. I am so proud of you and I believe you that ED is fading away from your life as you continue to challenge his deception and confront his lies head on.
    My Love and prayer

    N A

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    1. Thank you. ED is definitely fading away. I am in no way perfectly better, but I believe that each day brings me one step closer to being free of these terrible thoughts and feelings. God bless you.

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  3. The fact that you completed 1st year in the BScN program while malnourished and sick is beyond amazing. So so many people without health challenges are held back in level 1. I think you should register with disability services this year so you can get support if need be. AN is a mental health problem as per the DSM so you are totally entitled to accommodations
    Just a heads up when I did clinical in level 2 everyone eats together at lunch including the teacher

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    1. Thank you! First yaer was tough, but thank God, I got through it - and did really well. LOL - thanks for the heads up about clinical. Thankfully, I am able to recognize when I need to eat and I am ready!

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  4. check out http://wellness.mcmaster.ca/personal/groups.html

    Challenging Eating Disorders

    This group is designed to help support individuals in challenging their eating disordered patterns. A safe place for group members, at any stage of their journey, to discuss how to cope with an eating disorder while working through University. Topics may include: body image, stress management, worry control, acceptance, motivation and the healing journey. Group will be run by Danielle’s Place Eating Disorder’s Resource and Support Center staff.
    Self-referral.
    Questions may be directed to Debbie Nifakis ( nifakis@mcmaster.ca).

    Open Group, Year-long
    Mondays 5:30 – 7:00pm
    January 9 – March 19

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much for this info! I am sure it will come in handy. Wow, I am blessed to have wonderful readers like you who can support me!

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  5. Yes Marina school time was hard for me but I did prepare my self very well with the support of my Health care Team.As you know a lot of extra work on us not only physically but mentally and emotionally ,So the plan was to make sure sit down and eat a snack evry 3 hours and either play my music or doing relaxation technique and it did work.
    You need to continue and keep this always in front of your eyes.

    Recovered ED

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    1. I am so happy to read that you prepared yourself for school. I suppose having a plan in place makes it easier to adhere to. Relaxation techniques are great! Thanks for everything. You are an inspiration.

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  6. My dear
    School is stressful on many people .
    Smart people like you feel better at school as they love it and good at it.I urge you to take care of your health ,physically and emotionally and I am sure you will excell at school.
    God Loves you and so do his people.
    I did pray for you Sunday and every day

    Priest

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    1. Thank you so much. I am so blessed to have your prayers all the time. You are right - school may be hard but is something I love to do and I honestly need it to keep me happy.

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  7. My Love
    I am going to my last year nursing school. I am not worried at all about you as you already have most of the knowledges and skills they teach.
    I am thinking of looking for work this year and coming back next year so that We can finsh together.I need money .I encourage you to make a list of priorities and on the top is Marina wellness.

    I love you to death


    Henry

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    1. Wow - congrats on your last year! I hope you do well. Whatever you choose to do, remember that God is always with you. Please pray for me!

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  8. Even though ,I am worried about my daughter going to school but this year I feel better as I learnt a lots of skills and I have many tips all written down from your blog that can make my care to protect her very easy.
    Please do not let school work take you from the most important thing to our life and happiness is our health .

    Thank you every day


    Thankful mother

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    1. School can be a big motivator for some people. I am glad that you have learned a lot from this blog. I pray that it can be of use when you are dealing with your daughter. Continue what you are doing; you are an amazing mother.

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  9. Marina
    I will not go to school this year as I will be in the program and I was told it is one year.My father spoke to the principal and advised to take whole year off and return back next year haelthy and well.
    Thanks to you I am determind and happy with my decision.What would I gain if I continue with ED ,nothing or may be weakness and sadness.I believe recovery will make me healthy,smart and sucessful .
    Thanks to you for opening my eyes
    I will follow your feet steps.
    Keep strong and do not let your busy schedulle take any time from your health.You and me know how Ed cheet on us telling us when skip a meal you still think and achieve same.He is dead lier

    My best wishes my mentor


    Anne

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    1. Anne, if taking a year off is what you need, then that is what you should do. You are right - ED does not make you gain anything except for misery and pain. I am so happy to know that you are getting better. I am with you every step of your journey, just as you have been with mine. Please feel free to ask me anything or to call out for help. You are so strong and I admire you.

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  10. Hi Marina
    We are returning to school and I learnt how to balance between my obligation and my welbeing.I am sure you do not need any tips from me but if you need ,please let me know.This is my last year as a psychology student
    Please take care of your self.
    You deserve the great Honor

    With my Humble resepct ,I wish you all the best in your health first and school second.

    Mohammed
    Queen"s University
    Psychology

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    1. Thanks Mohammed! I suppose everyone needs to find a balance in their lives, whatever it is that they are doing. I hope you do well - and I will certainly let you know if I need anything! God bless you.

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  11. The benifit of keeping your eyes ,goals and mind on recovery is the key to continuing your academic achievments.When you are well ,duties can be achieved in less time and you do not need more revision as memory will be sharper.I am just keeping track of the benifits of recovery.
    I pray for you and wish you all the best in school and in health

    Mary

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    1. You are so right Mary. Nothing can be done if the person is not physically/mentally/emotionally/spiritually well. You are so great at counting the advantages of recovery. May God bless you!

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  12. I wish you all the best in your school and your health.I hope you come to work at same Hospital and be together.Please continue to look after your health despite the hard school work.I learnt a lot from my depression and no stress can get my wellbeing any more ,it does not worth it.I learnt when I am feeling well physically and emotionally ,I am able to do any thing I want including work.
    I admire ,resepct and adore you.

    L Y

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    1. Thank you! I am so glad that you are not allowing your depression to get into your way of life. That is such a big achievement - congrats. You are a role model. I do hope that one day we will be working togather. God bless you!

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  13. Bye bye ED sorry, Ur too STUPID to get into Mac!!! I am so proud of you. U are a smart and beautiful woman. Keep on telling urself that. Not only is this blog helping urself, but others as well. You are going to make a kind and warm spirited nurse one day :)

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  14. School is so hard! I'm on my own for eating, my mom can't watch and monitor anymore. And sometimes I just feel like chucking the food in the trash can, I feel like I'm eating so much more food then all my other friends!!! But I have to keep reminding myself that I need to gain weight and I want to be able to run XC this season (which I can't do due to my weight).

    Another thing about school is I'm surrounded by people who I always compare myself to, like 'That girl's thinner than you, see your supposed to be that thin' It just adds another level of pressure @ school, like I need anymore?

    --Allison

    PS: This blog really helps me, I feel like I'm not alone. Thank u so much!

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