Thursday, 6 September 2012

'But you don't look anorexic!'

Today I went to school - my first day back. I was heading towards the office for my program, where I was to speak with my academic advisor. When I arrived there, I saw one of my friends who knows about my anorexia. She was standing with one of her freinds who I did not know. After she asked me how I was doing, I continued on my way. As I left, I overheard her friend saying, 'BUT SHE DOESN'T LOOK ANOEXIC!'.

Ouch. Like, really really REALLY ouch.

This threw me off. I did what I needed to do, and then I got home. The entire time, the person's words echoed in my head: she doesn't look anorexic...

What did this person mean? That I didn't look 'thin enough' or 'sick enough' to have anorexia? That I looked fat and could possibly have had an eating disorder? That to have this illness, I have to look emaciated and deathly?

ED, of course, took this to heart. And he made me think about it over and over again.

They said you don't look like you have anorexia. That means you look fat. See how much weight you have gained?! You look hideously fat!

This really bothered me. ED began to put thoughts in my head

...If you still starved yourself and stopped eating like a pig, you would look thin and then people would not say you are fat.

In reality, this person did not actually say that I was fat. They just said that I did not look anorexic. But to ED, the two meant the same thing. If I could not look thin enough to haev anorexia, that must have meant that I looked fat. And this scared me so much.

The more and more I thought about this, the more I got hurt. I had to stop my running thoughts, take a deep breath, and think rationally.

Okay, so maybe this person said that I do not look anorexic. But that does not mean that I look fat. This is a good thing - I do not look sick anymore. I look normal. This means I have triumped over ED. And ED is just too angry that I am no longer an image of his dirty work. So he is trying to pull me back through his deceptive words. But I must not give in. I must stay strong.

This does not mean that what this person said was right. I truly believe that people need to stop labelling 'anorexics' as people who look like they are only stick-and-bones. Nonetheless, it is disrespectful and hurtful to say that someone who was ill with an eating disorder does not look as though they might have once been sick. That is plain wrong.

Now. DEEP BREATHS. I don't look anorexic. Fine, I can learn to live with that. I'd rather look this way than look as though I'm dying. No, ED, I DON'T look fat. I look perfectly healthy. So there.

9 comments:

  1. Hey
    I am waiting for your first day of school as that happened to me .All the comments I heard from my friends that day after my recovery and I went back to my school.Oh My Godness.
    I trust 100% they were trying to comlement me for looking healthy and did a good job to beat my illness and my return back to school .
    ED ,not surprising to me waiting for any opportunity to jump in .
    However as you are saying ,I stood strong and hard and challenged my ED with the support of my therapist and did not believe that lier and deceptive ED.
    I continue to take care of my self and continue to maintain my recovery up till now ,5 long years and no relapse .
    Please listen only to your wise rational voices
    Marina you have a lot of the knowledge and the rational wise mind that help you to think and decide on the right decsion and whom to believe.
    Do not let this abusive and lier drag you back.
    Not any more
    Enough is enough
    I quite sure ,you can do better job than me .
    You are a GIRL

    Recovered ED Victim

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  2. The benift of your recovery is when you hear a comment ,you think rationally about the positives before jumping to the negative as ED trying to convince you.
    Now you are able Marina to think rationally and positiv and challenge the lier.
    Now you friend look at me NO DIFFERENT than others .Keep up the recovery my friend

    Mary

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  3. that's kind of twisted for a person to say that . especially if she is in nursing she should know better. honestly based on your story it is likely your BMI is still considered underweight bc they don't want to risk re feeding syndrome

    that person must have distorted perceptions

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  4. I heard many negative comments after my recovery from my addiction but I felt I also recovered from feeling guilty or blaming my self when others are to be blamed or any thing goes wrong.I hope that you also in your recovery to ignore any negative people or negative comments.
    If I could do that ,I think it is much easier you can do it bc you are more smarter and determind.If you were able to survive the hardship you talked about in your blog,I am sure you are able to achieve any thing you put your mind to it.
    I think you are unique girl and I admire you very much.
    Keep your eyes on your goals and overcome any roadblocks.

    May be you can ask ,who are you previous addict to advise me??

    I would say ,I am not an addict any more ,I am recovered.I am a new person .I am a new friend of yours.

    Have a nice WE

    Sebastian
    Criminology student

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  5. My dear Marina
    I am sure your colleague 's comment was not meant any thing other than you look normal ,no different than any body else (only you are smarter,hardworker ,honest and knowledgible and I will not miss beautiful as people who know your face said )
    I hope Marina you continue to shut ED out of your days and nights .Please continue sealing any cracks that ED may creep through.
    Please focus on your self.
    You are a dream to many people who at certain moment were traumatized .You are not leading ED victims only but alo who ever suffred traumatic event in their life.

    Have a good WE

    With my humble respect

    Mohammaed
    Psychology student
    Kingston,On

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  6. My beautiful Marina
    I think her comment means one thing to me which is Once we recovered from,ED,Depression,addiction,heart attach or asthma, We are no different than others .
    Her comment were true that you look normal girl and if any one never heard about our past ,can not guess or know what happened to us before.
    So after recovery We move on AND business as usual

    I know you are beautiful as I saw your face .I know you from seeing and witnessing my self while you were in Hospital NOT like you other readers who only know you from your blog.

    I love you so much my dear.

    This is your new life ,now year ,new era .Every thing is new and beatiful as your face

    I love,respect and admire you

    L Y

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  7. I can understand how you feel.I see this happened to my daughter and i know how sensitive she is to any comment by families or friends.
    Maina you have been teaching us a lot of skills that helping us to defeat all ED tricks and i am sure you are able to stand any hardship and look for the positives .I am praying for you and for my daughter and i am quite sure that God will continue to strengthten you to deaf Ed and pronounce him dead.
    We love you so much Marina .
    You are our team leader and we all behind you.

    Have a good WE
    A Thankful Mother

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  8. I know the exact feeling you had when starting back at school. I went home at Christmas thinking I would return back to school in January. While I was sick, my ED had tricked me into seeing just HOW sick I was. Evidentially I was ICU'd and then sent to Sick Kids for 4 months total approximately. As I returned to school after March break, I was not only nervous to be far behind in the semester, but also to see my peers. What would they say? Would they watch me eat? No comment would be accepted- I mean Molly would be happy if they said that I was healthy but Ed... well not so much! It was a constant battle and for a while I stuck by my oldest sister and denied social interactions with my closest friends. It was horrible the manner in which I did it, all the while thinking these teachers must be clueless of how I WAS an INPATIENT for my eating disorder.

    These mental problems are tough. There is really nothing we can do to control what other people say. You are still realistically (number wise) underweight probably so try to help that calm your eating disorder thoughts and let that remind you, that YOU are NOT FAT!! This being said, the strives you have made ARE noticeable in a VERY AMAZING way!

    Love love Love,
    Molly

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  9. This hasn't happened to me so far but then nobody except for my parents knows I'm a recovering anorexic... but what's really gotten to me was none of my friends once said a word about me being too thin or when I was complaining my parents thought i had an ED. ED takes advantage and says "Wow Allison, see you were never really thin enough, you were still fat and now where do you think you are?" It's probably not as hard as facing someone who says how could you ever have an eating disorder, but it still is hard...like you didn't accomplish your goal.


    --Allison

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