Saturday, 1 September 2012

Numbers, numbers, numbers!

ED is obsessed with numbers. Weight. Clothes sizes. Portions. Calories. Numbers, numbers...and more numbers. He'll tell me that I weigh too much, am eating too much, and have had too many calories for the day.

You weak girl. How could you consume so much food in ONE day? You do not need all of that. What will the scale say? Why did you not eat less food? You must eat less today. Put smaller portions. You want - no, you NEED - the scale to show lower numbers. You need to wear smaller clothes. NUMBERS RULE YOUR LIFE. You are worthless if you cannot maintain a low weight, wear tiny clothes, and eat little amounts of food.

And so, I am left feeling controlled by numbers. ED makes me feel trapped in the world of adding up what I ate, seeing how much weight I have gained, and comparing the labels of my clothing sizes. And ED takes advantage of the fact that I am pretty skilled at math....so numbers and counting comes easy to me. He'll take over my thoughts all day and all night, trying to convince me that I am nothing more than a combination of numbers - amounts of food, sizes of clothes, and digits on the scale.

As I am in recovery, ED gets more and more obsessed with numbers. Each time I get weighed and the scale goes up, ED shouts and screams that I am becoming fat. This has happened a lot lately. He'll link the numbers to my self-worth and esteem, proclaiming that if I cannot succeed at being a low weight, I cannot succeed at anything in life.

What makes it worse is that each time I am weighed and the numbers go up, I must remind myself that this is not an opportunity to decrease my food intake - as ED would simply love this. I have to remind myself that my metabolism will increase as my body makes use of the energy I am consuming. Thus, I will need to continue to eat the same amounts for a while because eventually, I will no longer gain on this amount of food. What does that mean in terms of food? It means that eventually, the starved person's body needs more food than the average human just to maintain weight. So, to INCREASE my weight, I might actually end up having to eat even more (joy!).

(This study: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1957930?ordinalpos=1&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_DiscoveryPanel.Pubmed_Discovery_RA&linkpos=1&log$=relatedarticles&logdbfrom=pubmed explains it in more scientific terms!).

So, every time ED fills my head with thoughts about restricting or tries to make me feel fat, I have to block him out. ED says starve, I say EAT. He says lose weight, I say gain - or at least, maintain! He says that I am no good, I say that I am GREAT. He says that I do not deserve to eat, be happy, or to be loved...I say that I deserve all good things.

ED says that I deserve to die. I say that I deserve to LIVE.

10 comments:

  1. Hi Marina,.Here is a new benifit to complete recovery in today's blog is to free your thoughts and mind from counting and save that time waste in useless thinking and investing it into sometining benifical
    I will pray for you tomorow and evry day
    Keep all the benifits of recoevry

    Mary

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    1. Thanks Mary! You are right - the less time I spend thinking about ED, the more time I have for other things - and more important things!

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  2. You know Marina our enemy always try to pretend as if he is our friend and says someyhing to us that looks like good advise but in fact our enemy is decieving us and wishes us to get hurt and even die.
    In our case ED wishes us to be sick,weak,fragile and very weak body and sole.
    I am in no way believing this lier and I started eating better and my weight is now up one pound even before I get into the program. I will distract my thoughts from his control and use this time in doing any thing that benifit me or others .I will ignore this lier .I am follwing you and you and me will put all the pressure on ED till no body beleive this lier
    All ED victims and myself first are very grateful to you.

    Anne

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    1. Anne, ED does try to act like a good friend. The important thing is that you expose him, and see how he is always lying to you. I am so proud that you are getting better! Please continue in your fight, before, after, and during treatment. I know you will do so well because you are clearly very strong and brave. I believe in you, and I am always praying for you.

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  3. Who is ED to dare to tell you ,you do not deserve.
    Ed is a bull shit .
    You are the most mature ,honest girl that I ever met on the net and in life.
    No one ,no matter what can dare to make you feel less than what you derve.
    I love you to death

    Have a good week end my love

    Henry

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Henry. It is really important that I do not let ED tell me that I am no good or do not deserve a good life. That is just his way of making me fall into his traps.

      God bless you!

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  4. Marina
    I never admitted this but let me tell you.While I was in my recovery ,I used to feel same as you are accurately explaining in your blog and i used to feel full ,too much food ,so and so
    Since my complete recoevry and I have become stable physically and emotionally ,I am eating more than before and my weight has been same and I feel more energetic,healthy and my brain is very sharp than ever
    Be aware ED is trying to recruit and put all road blocks a head of you to stop your progress but in vain .

    I like your determination and how you are replying to ED attacks.
    You are a role model in recoevry

    Recovered ED victim

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    1. It is really relieving to hear your story in regards to the feelings, weight, food, and experiences. You are such a great role model and I look forward to your comments. Thank you for giving me hope that recovery is possible. God bless you!

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  5. so you go to mcmaster for nursing ? i saw your post on mac nursing 2015 board. the knowledge you have surrounding AN will be a great asset to you in your studies. What yr are you in ?

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  6. I am so proud of you
    Yes when ED says left you say right.As you know ED wants all evils and so a lier and no body believes a lier.
    Keep up my dear

    N A

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