I've noticed that I have a slight tendancy to fret over what might not seem like a big deal to others. For example, before school has begun, I'm already scared that I won't be getting high marks or good grades. I'm becoming conscience of the weight gain and so I am feeling frightened that it will show to others. I get worried if I arrive five minutes to class because I might have missed something important. I watch the weather with digilence because I want to make sure that I will get to school on time for my classes.
I was reading a few pages from a book a while ago. It is called "Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff", by Richard Carlson. I urge you to pick this book up and read it - even if it is just a few pages. Basically, the author talks about how we often worry about things in life when really, it is not that big of a deal. Richard Carlson is really skilled in that he picks relevant topics and explains how in the grand scheme of things, we are making our lives MORE complicated by 'sweating the small stuff'.
As I recover, I am beginning to see that not everything in under my control. And that is really hard to grasp. When I was sick, I could control my hunger pains and ignore them, and I was able to control my weight. It stayed where ED wanted it to - always a low number. However, as I am recovering, I am no longer able to keep the number down. It is like someone has pulled that piece of control away from me. And I hate it.
To others, a pound up or a pound down on the scale is 'small stuff'. To ED, it is BIG STUFF. Gaining one pound is literally a stab in the heart to ED. And he makes me know just how much he hates it.
You GAINED?! NO! You are going the wrong way - you need to be going DOWN. Remember how great it felt when you were losing weight? Now you are not doing this anymore. Soon you will be fat. And then you will lose control over everything else in your life - you will get low grades, lose your friends, become ugly...
See how ED works? It is not just about the weight - he deceptively maniuplates his victims into thinking that if they gain weight, they lose control over their entire lives. Everytime I gain a pound, ED tells me that this also means that I will lose control over how much I study, so I will get low marks. He tells me that I will lose control over how much I socialize, so I will lose my friends.
The best strategy to getting back at ED is doing just what the book says - not sweating the small stuff. YES, I may be gaining now. And NO, I don't especially enjoy it. But soon enough when I am at a healthy weight, it will be over. Then I can maintain. And my weight is irrelevant to my marks and friends. Weight is not something that humans are meant to control - that is what our genes and body do (of course, if you are underweight then you control it to make it go up; if you are clinically obese then you control it to get to a healthier state).
Today, I'm going to choose NOT to sweat the small stuff. Each day, I have committed myself to letting things go, to not being worried about every tiny detail in life. Because really, I only have one chance to live. And I refuse to let ED control that life by making me sweat the small stuff.