Friday, 14 September 2012

I just feel...'icky'

Today I had a really hectic day. I had no time to go to the bathroom because I had one class after another. It was crazy. I felt so stressed because of all the work that I had to do.

The good news is that I ate all my meals and snacks, even though I was so busy. I kept watch over the time and I made sure that I did not miss anything. So, kudos to me.

The bad news is that I feel really 'icky'. Simply put, I feel disgusted of myself. I feel that I am such a pig, stuffing myself with food as I work on my assignments. I feel so 'fat' as I am walking to class and munching on my chocolate bar - no, not my snack - my dessert after a meal. It makes me feel so 'weird' when the person nexts to me says that they are 'starving' and then pull out a salad to eat. ARE YOU KIDDING?! A salad? I mean, that is great that they want to be healthy and all. But it is ever so hard to see people hardly eating, and then eating so much food. ED hates it.

Look how much you are eating! You pig! No one eats like you! Why are you eating so much when you KNOW that you can survive on less? You are out of control!

And for a long time today, I really felt that way. I felt disgusted of myself for eating so much food. I felt different than everyone else when I would open my lunch bag and pull out food - even though it seemed as though I had just finished eating. It sucked. I felt the urge to restrict and to just do away with my food because I felt so 'fat'.

But then it hit me: this is totally ED talking. He WANTS me to feel 'icky' because I am eating. He WANTS me to feel 'fat' because I am eating so much. He WANTS to convince me  that I am a pig, that I am eating more than everyone else.

You can guess what I do in response: that's right. I shut him up and eat my food. Yes, it is really hard when I don't see others eating. And it is difficult when I just don't feel hungry. But right now, this is what I need to do. One mistake does mean that I have relapsed, but it can give ED a chance to come back into my life. And I don't want to do that.

So for now, I'll eat. Even when that means I feel icky. Because I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it is not really me that feels disgusted. It is ED. And he is MAD. And when ED is mad, I know that I am on the right track.


  1. when did you develop ED ?

  2. I totally feel that way at school. I'm eating tons of food and then my friends just whip out a half sandwich during lunch and they're done. While meanwhile I'm trying to chug juice, eat my sandwich, scarf down chips. I feel like I'm freaking pigging out! And then afterwords I feel terrible, I feel the urgent need to excersise, but I can't because 1)I'm at lunch that would be random and 2)I'm not supposed to, due to me trying to gain weight. Other times I actually end up throwing my food away.
    I just don't know what to do with myself

    1. Allison, take it from me: you have to fight. I totally know what you mean - it sucks when you are the only one eating, or eating ENOUGH. it is so hard when people are dieting around us or they are eating so little and we feel like pigs. but something that I'm trying to learn is that you dont see people all the time. That said, they can be eating like crazy when you dont see them - you just dont know. And now, your job is to EAT, One, because you need to get healthy. This is YOUR life, not theirs. So if you need to eat more because of this, then so be it. Eat more. And please resist the urge to excercise. I know that this can be hard, especially once you have eaten. But remember that your body is busy using all that food for organ repair and to simply keep you alive. If you stress your body by excercise, it will not get better. And please realize that throwing the food out is no good either. I know that this is tempting, i used to struggle with this too. But I learned that this was no good - there are some people around the world that are dying because they have no food to eat, and here we are throwing out the blessings God has given us. It will take time, I know. But something that I have noticed is that the more I get used to eating, the less difficult it becomes. I can now say that I have no urges to throw any of it. Yes, I wish I did not have to eat as much, but I came to accept it. Please stay strong Allison. Your life is worth so much.

  3. Hey My love ,I have been watching and waiting your blog since Wednesday and I am very happy you are O K and eating your meals my Love.
    Please please please take care of you health and make this top priority not school ,you will finish school any time and even if drop a calss ,you can make up later ,but your health if dropped ,hardly to make up.My Love remember ED lied to you in the past and when you continued to believe him telling you you are so strong and special and can live without food ,tell him you are a big lier ,,your advice or command took me to ICU and kept me fighting for my life .Tell him never ever I will listen to you.
    I love you so much my sweetheart.
    Have a gvery good WE my love


    1. Thank you Henry. I will take care of myself, and thank God, Im very blessed to have supporters like yourself, my readers, my family, and my friends. ED is a big liar, and he is so good at making me want to come back to him. But you are right - i have to stay the course. Thanks for your continued help!

  4. Marina
    This is a bump in the road to recovery
    Remember you are fighting relentless enemy and always be on the alert from his tricks.
    He will take any opportunity to take you back under his control example when you have stressful day ,he will remind you of joy of restriction that make you feel good and relieve stress.Another example when you eat chochloate or desert and your neibour eats salad,he rebuke you telling are so and so .

    All his deception will continue on and on till you give up and yield to his pressure and then fall back again

    My dear if you are really strong and special show strength and speciality in fighting his deception.Igore your enemy if you are choosing a good life and a better future.Set up an example for all ED victims and all others whose life controlled by similar monster as addiction,depression and others disease that put pressure on them and make them feel low and siccumb to pressure of their disease.
    Please continue and set an example of continuous success and progress in recovery.
    I am proud to say I have been in recovery for 5 years without relapse (I admit I went to IP several times before my final recovery 5 years ago)
    You are stronger ,knowlegible than me .

    Do not compare your eating with your neibor as ED telling you.
    You are smart girl ,

    Talk to you again

    Recovered ED victim

    1. Thanks so much! I dont think it matters how many times you have been in treatment - the important thing is that you are better now. Nothing works for all of us, but as long as you found a way of getting better - that is all that matters. You are a true role model for myself as well as for many others.
      I am not stronger nor more knowledgeable than yourself; we have different experiences and different fights. Please know that I see anyone who has ED and is fighting as being one of the strongest people in the world. You are a fighter. And you won.

  5. Bravo Marina
    This is another benifit of recovery is you are aware of what is right and wrong .You are right and ED is wrong.You are right ,ED feels "ICKY" but you feel healthy but he as usual twisting the facts and throws his anger ,maddness and saddness on you and he is hoping you take all this ,..
    But now in recovery you are awake and aware and never again believe him and never ever again you allow your self under his control.
    New era ,new life ,new hope and new goals ,new power and strength that fight ED strong and hard

    I pray for you my dear


    1. You are right Mary! ED is going to try all he can to get me back. And when he is angry, I know that I am doing what is right. But I will not get under his control again. You are so right - this new me is full of new goals, new hopes, and new power. God bless you.

  6. A strong girl like you will not let any thing stop her progress in recovery.
    I believe if you want pursue a happy sucessful life ,keep your recoevry on the top list of your agenda or goals.It seems like ED trying to choose any chance to take you back but I see strength in your determination

    What a strong girl you are .You gained my respect


    1. Thank you Jack. I am so honoured and humbled by your comments. God bless you. I am very blessed to have readers like you.

  7. My dear Marina
    I was waiting for your blog during last 2 days and I am glad you are fine and striking ED one day after another.
    Please help Allison continue to fight and not throw her food away .Please Marina help all ED victim ,Allison and many others to stay on the road to recovery no matter how many bumps on that road.

    I thank you every day and pray for you

    Thankful mother

    1. Thankful mother, I have to tell you that you are a blessing to your daughter. I dont know you, but I know that you are a great mom. You are fighting for your daughter's life, and you are helping her win the war against ED. I am always praying for you. You are such a great mother.

  8. Hi marina
    I can see how hard is your enemy but I can see how strong you are fighting him.
    I like what you said "it is you ED feel icky ,not me"
    Yes Marina ,do not let this jealousy abusive ED throw on you his garbage.

    I applaud and respect you and I learn from you..


    1. Thank you Mays. I know that you can relate to many blog posts here because you and I are both Middle Eastern. Your experiences have helped me feel not alone among my culture. God bless you. You have my respect as well - your fight has been difficult, but you have come out so strong.

  9. Hi My dear.
    Sorry I was late to read your blog.I have been so busy ,not only with my study but also with my family ,helping dad with all his docs appointment.I read your blog and all the comments.I am amazed how all of those who survived the illness whether ED or similar have become more stronger and resiliant.They have gain experience that will help them in thier life.I was happy when I read your reply to Allison and I think She will listen and believe you more than docs.I noted that on my father when he was suffering deep depression ,he did not listen first to docs till one Sheikh(priest in our Mosque) told him he had same symtoms and his doc gave him antidepressant and became better .Only then my father accepted to start treatment.
    You are Marina making a difference and role model of resiliance ,determination and will power and ability to put down ED and relieve all his victims from slavery..
    Very Humble respect from yours truely


  10. My daughter Marina .This blog and all your comments prove that your are truely a daughter of God and God is blessing you with complete recovery as you are guiding and helping all others in misery.You are really reflecting the picture of Jesus Criest .

    I pray for you always

    Sunday Priest

  11. My dear
    I missed you.
    I am happy to know that you are doing well and continuing crushing ED no matter how much it takes .I like ,if you allow me to say ,to ask you that you put recovry and crushing ED to his end first before you school duties.
    I love and respect you.

    L Y

  12. Keep up the good work Marina .I agree with all the comments and I see your blog as a saviour to many who struggle.


  13. I am a law student and I have no idea about ED or medicine but learning from your blog about this serious monster that rob his victims from all basics of life .
    I think all of us put hands together to get rid of this disease and not let ED control our life,wellbeing ,our freedom and independence.Why We choose to live as a slave under the control of this abusive and deadly monster.I hope every body reading your blog try to inform others about your blog so that We can create awareness about it and prevent him from traping more victims.I quote the example of the thankful mother who quickly realized her daughter was about to fall victim and with reading your blog ,was able to prevent.
    If I were you ,I would not let my school duties take me away from my real commitment which is complete and long lasting recovery.
    I wish you all my best.

    Law student,Ottawa,On

  14. I wish you would have chosen another title .
    Some one like you trying all you can to recover and deafeat this terrible illness,should feel good and proud of her self and never feel icky
    You are one among few who deserve a big standing ovation
    My regards


  15. My Love
    I missed you
    You are the best ,Never feel icky
    Feel up and keep going,

  16. Marina,
    I go to school with you and I've seen you in classes, but we've never talked.
    I just wanted to say that I came across your blog, and it has been very helpful to me because I have a very good friend who is struggling with an ED, and often I'm not very sure what to say to her, or how I can help her.
    Stay strong, you are amazing.

  17. I'm glad you're learning to recognize when ED is talking and trying to get rid of those thoughts. You are an inspiration.


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