Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Are they staring at me?!

Do you ever have that feeling that people are staring at you? Not in the 'oh I'm so great and people can't stop looking at me' way, but more like 'do I have something on my face?' type of thing.

This feeling is really eerie. I become so self-conscience when this happens because it makes me feel that I look weird to others - and this is why they must be staring at me.

The interesting thing is that people might not even be staring at me! They could be lost somewhere in thought and just looking around, they could be bored an daydreaming, or they might be looking at something behind me. But ED tells me that this isn't true - that others are looking at me because I look fat or ugly.

You stupid girl! People are looking at you and wondering how you managed to get so fat in so short of a time! They are realizing how much weight you gained. It is so obvious. How hideous you look to them!
And it goes on and on. It is so painful to hear these words because they make me feel trapped and alone. As if I'm the only person in the world that looks different from last year. As if I have become so fat that everyone can't help but notice. You can see how distressing this becomes.

The way I've learnt to deal with it is to realize that I'm NOT the object of everyone's attention. People won't be staring at me because I look fat - reality is, although I've gained weight, I don't think I particularly look fat. And if people ARE looking at me, I don't think that they think I'm fat. Sure, maybe they realize that I look healthier...but healthy doesn't mean fat.

ED will keep telling me that I look fat and hideous, and that people just can't fathom how terrible I now appear. But I just have to keep telling him that he's a liar. And a dumb one at that. I'm not fat. My rational mind knows that. Yes, I've gained weight. I can't deny that. But to say that I'm now fat is wrong. So, ED, I've ratted you out. I've showed the world how much you lie to your victims. It's time for everyone to see how hideous and terrible YOU are.


  1. Yes ED is terrible ,hideous and lier.Ed wants to pull you back and the more you are getting stronger in your determination,the more angrier he becomes.
    I learnt to trust my self and I 've build self confidence and that helped me to avoid misundersatnd when I see people face to face.Yes We are not in the attention of poeple when We are healthy.
    I also want to tell you that I believe while you are building you body and thinking better,Ed may lie to you and play games by using the word yes you gained some weight = this is fat.This is absolueltly wrong .You did not gain any weight ,just you are building your organs starting from your brain,then heart and kidneys and muscles and so on.
    You are millions and millions of miles away from gaing fat and I can tell you I was scarred from this my self .I am now 5 years after my recovery and I am not fat.I am normal weight and shape and my BMI is normal and I like my body and I like people look at me and I feel starting is a sign of admiration and not criticism.
    I like your rational repsonse to ED and I hope that you shot ED even before start .

    Recovered ED victim

  2. I wish I keep looking at your beautiful face all the time.I agree with you We are not in the attention or Radar of others at all and people are busy with their own issues.
    When I was suffering from depression,I was interpreting every thing to negative ,not only when people look at me but also when make any comment or do something ,I was taking it the wrong way.
    Now after my recovery I look back at my self and feel how sick I was and how I am blessed to recover.
    My dear Marina
    You are beautiful and do not let any body Ed or any body else shake your determination and confidence and stop your progress to complete recovery.

    I admire you always


  3. The beauty of recovery is to feel good about your self and feel that nothing wrong with you but you feel your REAL YOU as beatiful talented smart and healthy.
    Yes people are busy with their own troubles and never bother look and focus on others but when they really look at you ,you need to see that keeping eye contact is good communication and people not ignoring you.
    I adire your resiliance and perseverence in your recovery and continuing your school which is very hard


  4. My lovely and beatiful girl.
    Please be happy if I stare at you.I want see your beautiful face and keep looking at it all the time.
    Marina We in nursing school learn the basic rule of communication skills is eye contact.So if any one you know stare at you ,it is a communication skill and sign of respect.
    However people who not so close from you even from the same class usully their thoughts are busy with many things and may just stare and may look to you they are staring at you but your image is not really on their retina.
    Ed is decieving and trying making use of any moment to drag you back
    But no way
    You are looking a head and never look back again
    you deserve the good life and freedom

    I will keep communicating with you even if you stop writing your blog.
    My love and respect always Marina


  5. I thank people who stare at me.I feel my beauty and take pride in it.

    Welland On

  6. I am not sure if any of us as university student have time to look at each other.Our mind always thinking about issues and we may seem to focus our gaze on one person when in fact We just sinking in deep thinking

    When some body like you talented ,smart,resilaint and beauty ,you need to take pride in those staring at you.ED twists facts and you do not follow his leads.

    Political science student

  7. As a Middle Eastern culture ,I m same like you Marina I feel shy when people stare at me .But You are right my therapist helped me not to take others behaviours's personally as people usually are very busy with their own worries and not aware of others .Many times I see friends face to face and they pass by me without saying good morning and when I remind them later ,they swear to God They do not remember.This proved to me my therapist words .
    I am happy with your prenenting to us the first half of your blog the description of the issue and the last half your tips of solution.You are a problem solver.
    I admire you


  8. I came across quite a few similsr blogs like yours but I find yours is the honset self diary that is practical and very helpful to those who are ill and those are close to them.You are a very kind and knowledgible person that like to benifit others.
    I pray for you and wish you all the best.I am for one I did not know my daughter has signs of the disease and was about to fall victim till one of my friends gave me your blog and then I started learning.I find in you a dear friend and I consider you as my daughter also.You helped me so much
    I wish you a very good and peaceful Week end.
    Please take care of your self and do not exhaust all your energy in studying.Your wellbeing comes first.

    Thankful Mother to Marina


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