Do you ever have that feeling that people are staring at you? Not in the 'oh I'm so great and people can't stop looking at me' way, but more like 'do I have something on my face?' type of thing.
This feeling is really eerie. I become so self-conscience when this happens because it makes me feel that I look weird to others - and this is why they must be staring at me.
The interesting thing is that people might not even be staring at me! They could be lost somewhere in thought and just looking around, they could be bored an daydreaming, or they might be looking at something behind me. But ED tells me that this isn't true - that others are looking at me because I look fat or ugly.
You stupid girl! People are looking at you and wondering how you managed to get so fat in so short of a time! They are realizing how much weight you gained. It is so obvious. How hideous you look to them!
And it goes on and on. It is so painful to hear these words because they make me feel trapped and alone. As if I'm the only person in the world that looks different from last year. As if I have become so fat that everyone can't help but notice. You can see how distressing this becomes.
The way I've learnt to deal with it is to realize that I'm NOT the object of everyone's attention. People won't be staring at me because I look fat - reality is, although I've gained weight, I don't think I particularly look fat. And if people ARE looking at me, I don't think that they think I'm fat. Sure, maybe they realize that I look healthier...but healthy doesn't mean fat.
ED will keep telling me that I look fat and hideous, and that people just can't fathom how terrible I now appear. But I just have to keep telling him that he's a liar. And a dumb one at that. I'm not fat. My rational mind knows that. Yes, I've gained weight. I can't deny that. But to say that I'm now fat is wrong. So, ED, I've ratted you out. I've showed the world how much you lie to your victims. It's time for everyone to see how hideous and terrible YOU are.