Sunday, 9 December 2012

Recovery as a Destination?

I've been asked many times if I consider myself recovered.

The short answer is, no. I do not think that I am fully recovered. However, I am IN recovery.

It does not sound like there is big difference between the two. But there is...

Saying that I am recovered is like saying that this is all over. That ED is completely gone, and that I am like a 'normal' person who has never ever had anorexia.

But that is not the case. I still have thoughts that try to sway me over to restrict, to hate myself, or to not eat. I still have moments when my self-esteem is very low and where I wish that I could be as thin as I used to be.

That is why I am IN recovery. To me, recovery is not as desintation. It is more of a lifelong adventure. It is not somwhere that I will arrive and then 'be done with it'. It is something that I need to work on for the rest of my life. I do not starve myself or restrict food, but I still do not feel hungry. I still do not really enjoy eating like others do. In this way, recovery is something that I need to do for my entire lifetime. I need to keep working on it, each day getting stronger and stronger. I'm learning new things about recovery each day. For example, yesterday someone said a rude comment to me regarding my body size. In the older days, this would have caused me to restrict and not eat. As angry and sad as I was, I did not do this. I still ate. I was angry, but I ate. I did not give in to ED.

There are still things I am uncomfortable with. I hate when my clothes feel tighter. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing myself bigger than I used to be. I still have no appetite. I get uncomfortable when people remind me that I am eating a lot.

This is why recovery is a lifelong adventure. There are ups and downs. There are times when I am strong, and times when I feel weak. There are moments when ED is not there, and there are others when his voice creeps back in. Recovery is better seen as a job - I know that this sounds tiresome, but it is true. It is what I do. My wages for recovery are the improvements in my health and life. The hard work I do in recovery is part of my job. But the rewards are worth every struggle, every tear, and every fight.

Each day in recovery makes me aware of how much work recovery is. It takes a lot out of a person to recover from ED. It is truly a full-time job. But it is made so much easier when you have readers that read your blog and comment, show their support, and make you feel loved. It helps when you have a family that is willing to be there for you 24/7. It is humbling to know that you have a God who watches over you every second. It is empowering to see yourself tranforming into a stronger and knowledgable person.

Recovery is definitely not a desintation. It is an adventure. But it is an adventure that I would never give up on. Because each day in recovery helps me realize how much of my life I deserve to get back.


  1. Some people are insensitive and just plain idiotic and don't understand that recovery is indeed a journey which has no time frame. It is amazing to see how much you have grown throughout your journey and it brings great joy to your friends and family. Don't let anyone or anything stop you in your journey Marina. God will give you strength and help you in each and every step of the way.

    -Sincerely an admirer who resides in Brampton :)

    1. I admire you also Marina and I pray for you
      You achieved a lot in your recovery in short time period
      I do not think any body ever with ED ,achieved in that short time ,that amount of undersatnding of illness,have a set goal and clear plan for her recovery while helping others
      Keep up the journey of recovery ,for how long it takes and how much will cost
      Recovery is invaluable and priceless.

      Recovered ED victim

  2. My lovely girl
    You are right ,you may not have completely recovered yet but you are haeding there same like you and me not registered nurses yet but We are haeding there and in few monthes we will call ourselves registered qualified and licenced nurses.
    You are always honest with what you say and write.
    Please keep up the excellent work
    I love you with no hope but I will love you afltonian love ,without seeing ,knowing ,meeting you .
    I sent you 2 emails ,one bounced back and I am waiting to see the next one if you recieved it and if you reply
    I will not have any facbook or twitter again
    My fun time when I read your blog and comments on your writing
    I will admire ,respect you for ever


    1. how did you stumble upon this blog Henry ? do you struggle w. disordered eating ?

    2. No problems with my eatings now but my previously realtionships failed me ,sent me to severe depression and substance use ,I lost many years of my productive life and I used to put my comfort in foods and relieve my anger in binging .
      I had 3 GFs all of them were same ,arrogant ,selfish ,immature and childish.
      Only by accidnet I came across this blog when I was searching NEDIC .First I saw many many ED victims writing similar but all were kind of "show off"
      I believe Marina as she is honest,mature ,knowledible ,educated and all her knowledges come from either own experinec or supported by litearatures

    3. Thanks Henry for the clarification.That is make sense why you are so attached to her blog and you are very amazed with her personality.

  3. Are you for real someone made a disparaging remark about your weight ? was it related to being too thin ?

    1. People who have no control onthier mouth,they have no control on their life .They are immature and you can not trust them.Like this one you are talking about.


    2. I do not give any respect to those who say negative or disparaging comments .I believe those negative and jealous people need to seek medical treatment or counselling


  4. Marina
    Thank you for you honesty to yourself and all blog readers


  5. If you are able to take any criticism,negative comments ,rude behaviours of others ,so you are the most strongest person and you are completely recovered .
    remember ,we are human ,we make mistakes ,We feel senstive to criticim but if you able not to take this personally and react resonablely as you did ,this to me means you are almost recovered .
    I agree with you ,it is a life journey not a destination
    Life journey that will lead you to have long happy prosperous life .
    It is not a homework ,or assignment that done and you handed over and done.
    Keep up


  6. With recovery ,you will gain all the rewards in good health and good feelings and productive life away from sickness,suffering and undue stress.
    Keep up the good job

    Kelly W
    Therapist ,TO

  7. We wish you all the best in your adventure.

    Sam Ibrahim
    Burnhamthorpe ,Mississauga

  8. I pray that God be with you all the way in your adventure.I agree ,it is life long adventure .
    It is our life and We have to shape our life the way We like .
    My the blessings of God keep you sucessful

    Sunday Priest

  9. Way to go with your adventure
    I do the same with my self esteem journey


  10. I wish every body has similar illness think in a way how to feel self empowered to take responsibility on achieveing their health goals .


  11. We encourage and support you and my church and myself pray for you even We do not know you personally but only from your blog but you filled our heart with compassion.We feel the blessings of Criest from your blog and how you care and how you behave and how much you tolerate without complains .
    You are really really an angel


  12. You said very well when you said recovery is a long life journey and adventure lie a job that you will continue do to the best you can till end of life (no retirement now ) .Your wage is feeling well,healthy ,able to enjoy eating and feeling all your emotions including hunger pains.
    I admire you for now being aware of all your thoughts ,feelings and also ED thoughts and how he is teasing you and plotting to drag you back again into his traps
    I give you an standing ovation when you do not buy in into ED thoughts when one person made you angry and sad by commenting on your eating.You proved you are stronger now and IN CONTROL of your behaviour ,(ED not in control of you any more)
    You resist any temptaion to restrict and you stood up for yourself.
    Let me ask you ,how did you feel when you did this .?
    Did you feel proud of yourself ?
    Did you give yourself credit for standing for yourself against negative people's comment and against ED temtaions?
    Did you reward yourself by having some fun time for yourself?
    I hope soo

    I am as amedicail student feel that you have great insight into your body and you are aware of your feelings and emotions (all of this get lost during illness )
    I am very pleased with this blog and your honesty
    I like the way you said "my recovery is along life adventure .

    My regards
    Medical student

  13. I am with you
    Also my recovery from alcohol is a adventure and I have to keep looking at my health and make the right choices all the time.
    I am impressed too much with blog and I like the example of recovery is a job and the wage is gaining better health and happy feeling and making right choices .


  14. Recovery is an adventure and long life endeavour and not a stop or a destination.
    That a piece of wisdom that I will keep to my heart and mind while I am recovering from weed addiction


  15. All of us behind you in complete understanding and unwaivering support .We will follow your lead .We will pray for you and wish you all the best.
    You self consious is impressing.
    You are an exceptional person with great sense of awareness.
    Your blog can be a wake up call to many people who live their life without a goal or a meaning.


  16. In forensic scienec when a person is aware of the probem and has good insight into ,that person is able to set up a goal to takle the problem and solve it.
    I think you are setting a goal for your future life and you see achieving your goal as adventure for long healthy and happy life

    You are on the right track

    Forensic science student

    1. marina is a good girl, not a criminal. this is not related to forensic science

    2. To whom wrote the previous comment
      I know Marina is a good girl.Your comment means you did not undersatnd my comment.
      I said as Marina is aware and has clear undersatnding to her goals and see this as an adventure and she is setting up a goal for her long life adventure ,she will do it.
      To have the pesron him/herself set up their own goals ,they are able to achieve them .Espeacilly Marina is a great girl,hard working ,self directed and she is able to do any thing she believes in .
      By no means I said Marina is a criminal and I have no idea ,how you mention the word criminal.To whom wrote this last comment please read my comment again and apologize to Marina and me .
      Good luck to you Marina
      This will not discourage me from reading your blog and leaving a comment


    3. Forensics is the study of criminal and to a lesser extent civil law. am I wrong? I do not see the connection to ED. Bulimics shoplift sometimes to feed their addiction. but marina had a diagnosis of a restricting type of AN

    4. Only bottom of the barrel schools even have forensic science programs. Go Windsor !

    5. Once again No connection to Marina what so ever
      My point was clear is when aperson have clear vision and wise understanding into his or her problem,he or she can set certain goals to correct.
      For example if my problem is feeling sad,my goal is to do what is possible to make me happy.
      Another example ,if my problem is worrying too much ,my set agenda is to do every thing I can to feel safe ,calm and hopeful for the days to come and so on

      Can we close the discussion as I feel you are attacking me personally


    6. so you do go to windsor ?

    7. explain the connection to forensic science ??

    8. People with AN can be sensitive to the judgments of others. Even when comments are innocent in intent. I do not see the connection to forensics or criminality. People with AN are often people pleasers with no malicious intent whatsoever. AN is a psychiatric condition as per the DSM with really no connection to criminality. I would just avoid connecting a person’s medical / psychological condition to forensics and it may be construed as demeaning

      I have a hamster named Sebastien. he is lovely

  17. Keep up the good work


  18. How you doing Marina
    I am busy with my daughter exam but I read your blog daily and even previous blogs when now new one availble.
    I like the way that youare liking recovery as a job,career and an adventure that you will work on the rest of life and trying to improve and promote .As the work takes time and effort and may be hard ,your wage will be more than money ,will be health and wellness whick no money can buy.
    My daugher liked the discusion about this when I chatted with her at dinner table .I think my daugher reading your blog but is not cofessing.
    I see very positive change in her and she is much better.
    Thanks to you

    JP a thankful mother


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