I've been in a tough place lately. Recovery-wise, I'm doing great. I'm eating well and am healthy. School is busy, but I'm also doing well. The problem, though, is my mood.
I don't know what's going on. I just find that I have really low self-esteem. I don't know why - I'm healthy, smart, talented, and blessed to have loving family and friends. I have everything I could want and need. So why do I not feel confident?
I just feel that there's not much to be proud of. Even though I know there is. I'm not sure exactly what's making me feel this way. Maybe it ED, desperately trying to come back...?
You foolish girl! What is there to be proud of? You've gained weight, you are eating - you have failed. You have in, you weak girl. You are eating, you are like everyone else now. There's nothing special about you, you are worthless.
And it really hurts. I feel so down because it is as if I am 'stuck in a rut'. Here I am - doing what I need to do to keep myself happy and healthy. So why am I not feeling confident? It is a mix of things - mainly, feeling that I look ugly, feeling useless, and wondering why I am feeling this way!
I have to talk to someone - usually my mom/dad and sister (love you guys!) to feel better about myself. And sometimes even that doesn't help. But what really helps is knowing that there are people out there who love me. People who will take time to listen to me, even if they don't have a solution. Because sometimes I don't need a solution - all I need is a listening ear and a caring heart. I need someone to hear me out, to let me feel that I have support. To make me feel loved - because I'm human, and when I can't quite find the ability to love myself, it's nice to be able to count on others to pick me back up.
So right now, perhaps I don't have the highest self-esteem. But I'm working on it. Slowly, I'm sure that I'll see the good in me. I'll see how much I have to be proud of. And I'll love ME. Because I know that I deserve to be loved - by others, but more importantly, by myself. Life is tough - that is something that will never change. And ED wants me to return to him, to be his victim again - that is something that will probably never change too.
But what CAN change is my response - I am determined to get stronger, to learn to love myself. Maybe it will not happen today - and it likely will not happen tomorrow. But I can teach myself, step at a time, to accept myself. To see how far I have come and to be pleased with what I see in the mirror, with what I hear when I speak, and with how I feel about ME.