Friday, 9 November 2012


I've been in a tough place lately. Recovery-wise, I'm doing great. I'm eating well and am healthy. School is busy, but I'm also doing well. The problem, though, is my mood.

I don't know what's going on. I just find that I have really low self-esteem. I don't know why - I'm healthy, smart, talented, and blessed to have loving family and friends. I have everything I could want and need.  So why do I not feel confident?

I just feel that there's not much to be proud of. Even though I know there is. I'm not sure exactly what's making me feel this way. Maybe it ED, desperately trying to come back...?

You foolish girl! What is there to be proud of? You've gained weight, you are eating - you have failed. You have in, you weak girl. You are eating, you are like everyone else now. There's nothing special about you, you are worthless.

And it really hurts. I feel so down because it is as if I am 'stuck in a rut'. Here I am - doing what I need to do to keep myself happy and healthy. So why am I not feeling confident? It is a mix of things - mainly, feeling that I look ugly, feeling useless, and wondering why I am feeling this way!

I have to talk to someone - usually my mom/dad and sister (love you guys!) to feel better about myself. And sometimes even that doesn't help. But what really helps is knowing that there are people out there who love me. People who will take time to listen to me, even if they don't have a solution. Because sometimes I don't need a solution - all I need is a listening ear and a caring heart. I need someone to hear me out, to let me feel that I have support. To make me feel loved - because I'm human, and when I can't quite find the ability to love myself, it's nice to be able to count on others to pick me back up.

So right now, perhaps I don't have the highest self-esteem. But I'm working on it. Slowly, I'm sure that I'll see the good in me. I'll see how much I have to be proud of. And I'll love ME. Because I know that I deserve to be loved - by others, but more importantly, by myself. Life is tough - that is something that will never change. And ED wants me to return to him, to be his victim again - that is something that will probably never change too.

But what CAN change is my response - I am determined to get stronger, to learn to love myself. Maybe it will not happen today - and it likely will not happen tomorrow. But I can teach myself, step at a time, to accept myself. To see how far I have come and to be pleased with what I see in the mirror, with what I hear when I speak, and with how I feel about ME.


  1. My love
    If no body loves you in the whole world ,I will be always your lover even if I never see you.
    You do not know what your blog done for me.
    I know your personality and your kindness from your blog.
    I can not understand ,how a great talented person who challanged many obstacles has low self esteem.
    I can not undersatnd why all of us see you in your recoevry as strong,detrmined ,deserve a lot and you do not see this in your self.
    You know ,I am a nurse student and I did search about Ed and I read NEDIC and blogs (yours is #1) and I come to conclusion that you are the only person with ED that have been able to challnege a bad monster ED and at same time doing her school.
    People like you ,stop going to school or work and stay in recovery home or institution.

    Your achievement are innumerable and no one can count them.
    Look at MARINA with the real Marina's glasses not through ED glassess and you will see how excellent you are.
    I love you so much


  2. You can imagine how ED is stubern and not easy at all.
    You defeated him and now you are eating and determind to continue looking after your health and eating on time and you do not wait to get hungry.
    So ?
    So what ED can do?
    Ed will creep to you from the back door.Mental health ,self esteem,make you feel inferior,help youto ignore any achievment.
    See how ED is deceptive.
    He tells you ,you are eating like any body else!!!
    You know what I mean.
    For ED to be like any body else is a shame.
    That is why Ed kills victims because he decieve them ,tells them you are strong in not eating and can live .
    How deceptive that is.
    Marina,I know ED well ,he did all that to me ,but when I was very sick and obviously very weak ,Ed disappeared as he could not confront me with his thoughts
    Where he was when I was weak ,he disappear
    Now he is trying to creep into you from the back door
    Be awre
    Challnege him ,defeat his decption
    Look at your achievement and feel PROUD OF YOUR SELF
    You are much stronger than me ,what you are doing now in your recovery,I could not do myself and I struggled 5 years in my recovery and stopped functioning for 5 years.
    Now more than 5 years without relapse,enjoying life ,eating and sleeping and good mood .
    You achieved more than 99% of your peers who do not have Ed or mental health

    Keep up and let ED know ,I can smell you even if you wear the hat of mental health and self esteem and not ED
    Tell him Ed you are out of my life for ever

    I admire you so much

    Recovered ED victim without relapse for more than 5 years

  3. IMs Hope
    You are hope for all of us especailly those who lost hope at some moments in their life.
    Look at the benifits of complete recovery
    You are eating and you care for being healthy and you take your meals by the hour and so you are not feeling hungry because you are on top of things and taking meals on time.
    Good thing also you are craving sleep.Wow ,is it a good thing or not as you are not sleeping well.
    I say it is good as you are now feeling your body and aware what your body need
    Your body need sleep and you are not NUMB as before ,you feel the need to sleep.
    I agree with you and others of your reader
    To have a good sleep ,be like baby feeling fed and safe.You are feeling fed and you need to feel safe as bay seems mom ,feel safe
    Why not you see image of Jesus in front of you ,worry not so that you can sleep like a baby.

    I agree no body from your peers has achieved 1% of what you have
    That from knowing you through your blog and comments from those knw you,how about if we know you the real Marina
    I think the real Marina is 10 years in her maturity a head of her peers.
    Youare a lovely angel marina
    I wish I know you personally.


  4. Your readers and i guess they are so many ,are listening to you.Not every body leave a comment.
    I am for one I never left any comment but I read your blog and I am learning from it and I pray for you.

  5. I love to read all your blogs but I love the second half the most where I see,hear and fel your hope and encouragemnt and your motivation and detrmination for your self and for all of us to be positive and hope for better tomorow
    Thank you for making a difference.

  6. I am the pastor of an Anglican church serving 5,000 and I know all of them by name.
    I consider you one of them ,however you are unique in kindness,strong belief,achievement ,hard work and altruism.
    I can tell you ,there are millions do not have any of what you are achieveing despite your painful journey of recovery.
    There are also many youth so arrogant and brag about themselves even they do not have really even 1% of your talent ,intelligence and resiliance.
    You are so humble which is very ggod but I think you really need to credit yourself and be fair to your self.
    I will continue to pray for you.

    Sunday priest

  7. The bottom line is "ME"
    You really need to treat yourself fairly
    I agree with the pastor that your are so humble but this has gone so far.
    It is time to treat yourself as a queen,be nice ,gentle,fair ,proud for your self.
    Imagine if you have a friend that deseres lots of credit and rewards for her unprecedented achievement ,how would you treat her and do same thing for yourself

    You deseve the best treatment and honourable credit and the warmest hugs

  8. If some body talented like you has low self esteem ,who will have good self esteem then.
    My point is self esteem ,is a thing that no body can give it to you
    You need to give it to yourself,feel it ,belive it and enjoy it.
    It is you ,in you and around you.
    I do not mind if you are religious(I am not) and raised up to be humble but it is unfair to deny yourself what you deserve.
    I agree with you ,you need to watch out ,may be ED coming to you from the back door ,undermining your achievement ,a away to make you ffeel inferior when you trashing him ,hoping to get you back
    You are smart girl ,you said no way Ed to have any space in my space

    If I am one of your family or friends ,I would be very proud of you
    Most importanat you be proud of your self


  9. You are worthy of lots of respect and credit for what steps you are taking to recovery from a serious disease and also taking on responsibility for avoiding going into relapse.I can see a lot of effort to share any experinec with others ,a sense of altruism that very few people have.
    I hopee that you feel this is way too much achievement that desrve the credit.
    Now on top of this you are going to nursing school.
    That is really hard school.
    Please give your self the credit
    Always look for what can self comfort you.


  10. I am a therapist in Cambridge and I was alerted to your blog by a client of mine and I really admire your personality a lot and I can see alots of skills that rarely one can see in one person.
    I think the remaining symtoms of sleep craving ,low self esteem and dreams can be helped by EMDR.
    I was graduated from US and had my EMDR traing and practice in US for 5 years before I moved to Cambridge 3 years ago.
    My fees are covered by all insurance but if you do not have insurance ,I will not charge you at all and I will help you free as I believ you are worthy of the best life and you have all the rights to live happy enjoyable life with managable stress.
    Please reply to me and I will connect with you.


    1. email her at

  11. I am one of your readers and I enjoy your blog .Not long ago I was diagonsed with mood disoreder and i was suffering very low self esteem.I was put on antidepresant and despite I felt better I was not recovered completly.I saw Naturalopath doctor .He advised me to take 10,000 units daily of Vitamin D .believe it on not within 2 months I felt too much diffrenec and When I told my family doctor ,he said there is evidence that high dose vit D ,help mood,anxiety ,sleep and immunity.
    Even though I recovered I still use 10,000 units daily of vitamin D as it is mood enhancer,promote good sleep and help immune system.Also it is good for muscle and bones and protect against diabetes and neurological disease (there is evidence that it is neuro-protective and prevent MS.
    The trouble is the recommended dose by some doctors is too low to cause any effects as still many doctors not aware of the new recommndation of what is effctive dose..

    High school teacher,Toronto,On

  12. Hi Marina
    You are not alone ,all of us suffer from very low self esteem ,whether we admit or not.I think when recovery is complete we will be much better.
    I want thank you for your blog and thank your reader .One of your reader alerted us to web site..Mood Gym and I went and I registered yeasterday and I did like and I hope will help my mood,anxiety and low self esteem.


  13. I admit also I have self esteem issues even I never been diagnosed with any disease but I feel it in me .I took stpes my self to overcome this after many years of putting myself inferior to others and after a while I discovered I was wrong ,it was my own perception of my self rather than what others thinking of me .
    My new vison now that helped me ,is I was now inferior or superior to others but I am somewhere in the middle.May be 40% better than me and at least 60% I am beeter than them.
    Knowing this fact and believe it between me and myself helped boost my self esteem .One day I may be described as arrogant or self inflated but I would say ,I will not go that far.
    Suffice for me to feel good about myself


  14. Hi Marina
    After reading your blog ,I spent my weekend reflecting on it and also searching the literature and also I spoke to my supervisor.Currently I am working with a rheaumatologist who has done a lot of research about osteoporosis.
    I can tell you that your blog and your commentators are credible.
    Yes Vit D is very helpful and essential vitamin and every single person living in north America has to take at least 5,000 units daily to prevent diseases and boost immunity.
    People who have mood issue need to use higher doses.Toxicity to vitamin D happens only if you inject 50,000 (yes fifty ,000) daily for years .So it is very safe and very helpful.
    I also looked at EMDR and lots of studies support its effectivness.
    What I did like is Mood gym .it is easy to go through ,helpful and I recommended people go and look at it.I was using e-couch before but for now I would spend some time on mood gym myself ,at least will help me in my future career

    medical student

  15. I learned a lots from this blog and all the comments.For sure you are making a difference but it is very hard to evaluate how much you blog impacted on others if people not leaving a comment.
    I urge others to drop a line tell us how much affected even if can say if just reading your blog as a story.
    Iknow people vey busy to read and reply to their own emails but i hope 10% of reader reply
    Thank you so much


  16. your readers have sure have an impressive list of credentials
    Catfish much ?

    Eunice - Astronaut


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