Thursday, 22 November 2012

Money

I have a real money problem.

No, it's not that I need money. It's that I don't feel worthy of spending money on myself.

My parents are great - they want to buy everything I could possibly need and want. And they do. But for some reason, I feel like I don't deserve buying things.

I feel as though I have done nothing worth of me buying things - anything. Clothes, jewelry, food, make-up, books, etc. It is as if I am rewarding myself for no reason.

ED has a part to play here. He makes me feel so useless and terrible, as if I am not like anyone else who occasionally has the right to buy something special. Deep into ED, I did not wamt to be happy. Well, I NEVER felt happy - because ED made me so miserable. So, I never felt as though I wanted to buy anything for myself. Life was plain and boring and tiresome. I did not want to purchase anything because I was disgusted of myself. It was as though there was no point in buying anything for me becauase I was too ugly, fat, and horrible.

Foolish girl! Why would you spend money on yourself? You do not deserve anything. You should not buy things for yourself because you are unworthy of happiness, luxury, and satisfaction. 

But I'm trying to train myself to start seeing ME as a human who has needs - and that's okay. Actually, that's normal. I wouldn't be able to do this on my own, so for now, I'm depending on my loved one to remind me that I deserve to buy things. That's it is totally fine to want to buy a new shirt, a good book, a cup of tea, or whatever. Because that's what money is for - to buy things. And why should I be the only one who doesn't deserve this luxury? I do! It's just a matter of ignoring the thoughts that tell me otherwise.

Everyone deserves a little luxury. We all have needs and wants, and we all enjoy buying something new or special. It's human. It's normal. It's one thing that I need to learn as I continue on recovery.

22 comments:

  1. If I were your parents I will make you the real queen ,live like and behave like a queen.

    LY
    TGH

    ReplyDelete
  2. Come on
    If I were you ,I would be the happiest and spend as much money as I want

    Cindy

    ReplyDelete
  3. Gee
    Give me some of your parents money and see what I would do to have fun and treat my self and enjoy my life to the fullest.

    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
  4. If I were your mother ,I would remind you to buy new thing every day ,to take your self out for fun,to go shopping weekly ,to book vacation you want,to watch movies you love ,to invite your dear best friend ,get new CDs,video ,books you like.Get new clothes regularly ,live life to the fullest as my previous said.
    You really deserve a lots
    You are worthy
    What you are doing ,only few people in our siociety able to do.
    I wish you are my biological daughter.
    On the web I feel you are my daughter who I did not deliver and I have not seen by my eyes but I see you with my heart

    A Thankful Mother

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry but however good your intentions were, I don't think posting someone else's facebook profile without their permission on a public blog such as this is appropriate. Let's please keep in mind the purpose of this blog when commenting.

      Delete
    2. marina is so beautiful. she should include some pics of herself. her inner beauty and light shines through

      Delete
  5. You deserve a lot alot alot a lot

    ReplyDelete
  6. Taking steps in your recovery and going to your school and be nice to your family and not causing any troubles to your family(doing drugs,fight,stealing ;;;)and shoing love and care to othres by writing your blog and your own story .
    That is an unbelievalbe achievement that desrve a big honour

    I do not know why you still feel unworthy.
    Please think how much worthy your achievement.
    How much your parents could pay to buy your recovery ,to get you pass one semister,to Have you a personality that is kind ,honest and hard worker

    If I guess billions and billions and may not even find that all in one person.
    They may have to buy 3 or 4 people ,each has one charachet ,either kind,or hard worker or caring or believer or determind or beutiful
    See Marina = Nice +beautiful+kind+determind+believer +hard worker+caring+compassionate.=Unique person deserving a big honor.

    I love you my dear and I am not giving up of meeting you one time

    Henry

    ReplyDelete
  7. Who is better than Marina
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOObody
    Cheers

    Hamza

    ReplyDelete
  8. Who do you think deserve if you do not????!!!!
    Piush

    ReplyDelete
  9. Marina
    It is ED who makes us feel unworthy
    So we have to be vigilent
    We should treat our selves as queens and feel very self confident and trash all his negative thoughts .
    Now after my recovery,my self esteem has been up and up to the extent some calling me arogant and very self inflated ,even I am not ,I just give my self my credit
    I am happy to be called self inflated because this makes me feel confident.

    Please enjoy the time you have ,let your parent buy gifts for you
    You go out to the beauty salon,massage thearpy ,health spa etc
    You deserve
    You have come around very well and very quick

    Recovered ED victim

    ReplyDelete
  10. You really need to be fair to your self
    Why you put yourself down when people even who never know you put you way up,applaud you and give you high credit and rank you high
    Sally

    ReplyDelete
  11. Marina
    Negative ED thoughts can be challenged by CBT
    Try to go mood gym and spend some time so that you get your self esteem back and rank your self at same level people rank you.
    Trsut me I am a psychologist to be soon,I admire your strong personailty and good quality and kind nature and I do not think any body in your shoes would have done any from you have done.
    You are the kind of person who is multitask!!!
    You like to do 2 things at the same time and amazingly you doing them well
    See while in recovery you going to school (not to mention ,time spent in writing and following up on your blog)

    My humble respect

    Mohammed

    ReplyDelete
  12. Give me some money and see how I spend them on my own fun
    Jack

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am in recovery from anorexia – binge purge subtype. I would suggest to not buy a lot of clothes or if you buy clothes maybe buy clothes that are a bit big on you. The reason I say this is because as I became weight restored I was very triggered by the fact that my clothes didn’t fit me. I actually slipped and wound up relapsing. I got very dehydrated and had an irregular heart beat from purging and electrolyte imbalance .
    My parents had to pay for me to get treatment in the US at melrose institute. It was honestly so hard accessing help in Canada. All they offered me was group therapy at St. Joes. I have so much guilt over the money my family spent to get me help

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your recovery worth millions .If I am your parent ,I would sell all what I have and use my credit Card and be in debt to the rest of my life to get you recovered.
      I urge you and Marina to treat yourself very well and use all resources availble to get to complete recovery ,live your life free and enjoy it to the fullest.
      I am 75 years old man and had many experience in life and I come to conclusion ,your health is top priority.
      If you have good health and have balance in your life ,you will be happy and you can achieve any thing you are hoping for.

      Sam Ibrahim
      Burnhamthorpe
      Mississauga,On

      Delete
  14. As long as you do not go to spending sprue ,please shop and buy and use the money to please yourself.
    That is what money for.
    Money is for our use ,to buy us happiness,comfort and joy,

    Hesham

    ReplyDelete
  15. I agree with Mr Sam .Your parents guys love to spend all they own and borrow and live in debt to get you what makes you happy and satisfied.
    Please know from your mind and heart you are amazing and you deserve a lot.You are a treasure to your parents.You are God's gift to your parent.
    Please treat yourself the way you should be treated.Please do not let the negative ED thoughts close you eyes and block your eyes from the wonderful amazing person you are


    Nagy

    ReplyDelete
  16. Money is nothing .Health,fun and realxation are very much important to our life.
    Please use the money to your pleasure and if you have more ,please send me a check

    Lilian

    ReplyDelete
  17. From all the comments I read about you ,you are wonderful ,wise ,determind ,kind ,faithful,rational and believer.
    From my experience many parents saying their kids spend lavishly on makup,beauty and cosmotics ,
    Why not using your wise rational sjkills and spend as much money on yourself .I am sure you will feel good .

    K W
    Therapist ,Toronto

    ReplyDelete
  18. In arabic we say the best position is the middle .
    I means if you sepnd wisely and not extravagantly ,you are right.
    I you rank above the middle and not on bottom ,you are better off.
    I like to be in the middle ,I do not like to be on the top(lots of people feel jealous ) or the bottom

    However Marina you are super and you need to live in Luxury like queens
    Yes I mean it

    Mays

    ReplyDelete
  19. There is an Arabic parable saying ,if you spend all you have in your pocket,soon you will get more from nowhere.
    Please use the money to make your life easier and happier.

    Hend

    ReplyDelete

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