Thursday, 9 August 2012

Tired

I did not sleep well last night. Actually, I hardly slept at all. I was awake, laying on my bed. Thoughts rushing through my head, heart beating fast, sweat trickling down my back...I was anxious, sad, frustrated, and full of remorse.

I'm not feeling well this morning either. I guess it's pretty obvious when I'm not well - the nurses and other patients keep on asking me what is wrong. And all I can do is give a forceful smile and say that I'm alright; that I'm just tired.

And the truth is, I AM tired. In no way do I intend to make this post a 'pity' post, but I find that writing about what I'm going through is helpful. If you feel that you no longer wish to continue reading, then please stop here. But perhaps you may find something that you can identify with, or perhaps even share in my pain.

I'm frustrated that my weight continues to climb high, with pounds and pounds being added to my body. I'm angry and uncomfortable that my clothes are fitting differently. I'm astonished at the amount of food that I'm eating. I'm overwhelmed by the feelings that I am feeling. I'm sad at the way my life is with ED. I'm full, I'm grumpy...I'm exhausted.

I spent last night in my bed, praying that God would grant me serenity and peace. I so desperately longed to sleep - to escape from all my problems for just seven hours. But, to my frustration, I did not get any sleep. Staying awake on my bed only made me MORE tired. But my eyes could not shut. This morning, I feel very....unlike me. I feel that all my feelings and thoughts are jumbled together. I'm confused, I'm lost.

ED is taking advantage of the fact that I feel ill today. To add to my exhaustion and frustration, he's screaming in my ear that I'm no good, that I'm a failure. That I look terrible, ugly, hideous, and fat. That I deserve nothing good in this world, and that nothing good is coming my way. That I have no purpose but to serve him, to lose weight, to be miserable my entire life. He's yelling at me even as I write this, forbidding me from sharing my feelings so that no one makes me feel better. ED loves it when I feel this way because then it is so simple to fall into his traps and obey him. I was crying all last night; I'm still crying through this morning. My tissue box has been changed twice; my nose is bright pink and it is getting difficult to breathe.

I want to go home. Actually, I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do. I'm heartbroken, tired, frustrated, and sick of myself. I'm uncomfortable and angry at everything around me. I want to scream, but instead, tears come out. I want to escape from everything and just be alone to cry myself to sleep - and even that did not work last night. I'm hopeless.

I'm asking that you pray for me today. I'm begging you to pray to the Lord that He may fill my heart with peace and acceptance. I am nothing without Him, and yet, I feel like I have no value. ED is so powerful right now because of my low mood. Please, this is my call to YOU. I'm in need of motivation, of strength to carry on. Every inch of my being is telling me to run away, to go somewhere where no one can find me and I can be alone. But deep down, I know that this will do more harm than good.

"If God is with us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31). I just wish that I could apply this verse to my life right now.

20 comments:

  1. I can feel your pain , because every single person goes through pain in a certain way. Use these emotions to drive you towards God and God will motivate you. Everytime you get a thought , distract yourself away from it. It's like your are shooing a buzzing bee around you ;) Keep strong as you are !! May God be with you

    Here listen to this song :

    Whatever You're Doing (with lyrics)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTjRlUD_cwc

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    1. I think I have a hint on who you are...and if it is who I think it is, let me just say that you are amazing and that I take lots of strength and encouragement from you. I appreciate all you have done for me. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE that song!!!

      Delete
  2. I am so sorry to hear your pain and suffering and not able to sleep.
    Not surprising to me as I had been through this.I know how ED can push all the negative buttons and as you push into recoecry ED pushes more trying drag you back.
    I urge you to continue express your feelings,get all out.
    I learnt how to push my self to positive and take strength from my support system,look at my goal,ignore the lies of ED.I am you are doing the same but your ED is strong and needs more support around you.
    Trust me You will never get fat despite what ED showing you negative images of yourself in the mirror,tight clothes ,not bony etc ,,you know it all
    ED is telling you all these lies and will tell you again and again as long as YOU STILL BELIEVE HIM.THESE LIES WORKED IN THE PAST and so he will do what worked before.

    So once you reject all his lies ,and never listen to him ,and get this out,distract yourself from his thoughts and commands .
    Once ED finds no lisening ear,no weak spirit,no broken heart ,will leave.
    I am now free of all ED neagtives
    I am sure you soon will be free from all traps of ED and you will not see all the ngatives as ED picture in your eye now.
    You will continue working on your mision ,achieve your goal and set an example to others
    I am one success story even I never went through a misery as you did but I know well how ED fights. I share with you all your feeling and my heart is in compassion with you

    I wish you all the best


    Recovered ED victim

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  3. Sending my prayers now.
    Hundreds of people are praying for you now.
    And unlimited # of saints. Including ones u don't even know :P

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  4. You are a head of me
    I was planning to comment about self image but I am late and you came up with today message.
    I pray for you that God gives you peace and serenity.You really are a believer and I can see that in your writing.You trust God.
    How come you trsut God and still believing a lier and deceptive monster..
    When you hear the ED voice ,quickly ignore and hear the voice of God and message of Hope.
    When ED shows you your body in the mirror and tells you his lies being soo and so ,look at the image of God and how he created us on his image .
    God gives us our body same as His and ask us to care,protect our body as this is a gift.ED would like to rob us all our body but before this would rob us from our real soul and comfort that God has given us.


    I do not know you as I never met you but I feel as if I know you for long time from your thoughts and your Diarry.

    You are a gifted talented person and I think for that reason ED is fighting you harder than all other ED victims

    Please continue to fight this illness
    You are some one special and precious in God's eye ,your family and your friends and a dear friend and supporter to all ED victims.

    I really like to read your blog every day..

    Mohammed
    kingston,On

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    1. Thank you for your kindness! I'm glad you enjoy reading my blogs! In the same manner, I enjoy reading your comments! God bless you and may He grant you peace, success, and happiness!

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  5. I know exactly how you feel.
    What I can learn from you and it may work is :- not following any leads ,hints of ED and trying to have around us positive things ,as music,good books ,calling good people ,watching good movies or your God or talk to your counsellor

    Cheers


    SC

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  6. I have same feeling that has hunting me for years now despite I have mild case of ED and I am hoping when I get into inpatient ,I will get rid of this.
    I feel your feelings.you are not alone
    We believe you
    I agree with SC comments that distraction from ED thoughts (all lies as you said) and replacing them with true positive stuff will work

    My heart with you my dear

    A A

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  7. I am in the church right now praying for you.
    You are an angel
    you deserve the best life ever.


    Shady
    Mississauga

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  8. My heart with you.
    I have no doubt that you will pass this moment and I am sure you will have a peacful night tonight.
    Your enemy is recruiting all his reserve but I am sure you are winning
    I trust your nurses when telling you you are getting healthier,your brain and other organs now getting their normal sizes and that is why ED is very angry at you.

    I love you

    Jorge,Toronto

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  9. May God give you strength sister. Everyone who's heard or read your story is battling this demon with you and we're not going anywhere. We 've got your back till the end with prayers, love, and presence. You're battle is our battle and with God's help, we WILL conquer this enemy together. God give you peace and endurance.

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  10. My Dear

    We all know your war with ED is so tough.
    We know how hard he hits you.
    We know how many nights he took away your sleep
    How many days he took away your joy.
    We know he is trying to put you down and making you feel you can not leave him.

    Good new ,you are a believer.
    You are now a pioneer in leading yourself and others to complete recoevry.
    We are with you,side by side and always will be behind your back praying and asking without stop God to help,support and comfort you.
    Please tell us all your feelings and emotions.


    We are very proud of you.
    May God bless you and keep you safe
    Please God give her an easy day and peacful night.
    Please virgin mary this month is your holy month,please bless her and give her complete recovery

    Amin


    N A

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  11. It is very tiring my dear.
    I hope you can ignore the voices and fears and keep only the positive in your mind and eyes.May be easy said than done ,however every thing is a matter of practice.
    Please practice it till you do it.

    My thoughts and prayers with you

    Hesham

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  12. My dear
    It is normal to feel tired,exhausted and some times fed up and had it with this illness.
    ED is a tough disease that fight with all his armmentarium.
    You are doing all the best you can.
    Because you are fighting strong and hard and knowledgible and leading others ,that is why it sounds like ED leaves every body alone and targeting you

    Stay strong and hard and do not show any retreat from him.
    Do not let him scar you.

    I can see Ed now is afraid of you and trying hard but I think you are on top of him

    My regards to you


    W K
    Social worker
    Toronto

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  13. I agrre with W K and We all support you and pray for you.


    Mary
    Mississauga

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  14. My heart with you my dear fried.
    You are my colleague.
    I respect you and admire you.I am sorry if I hurt you but believe me I really see you as a unique girl that is so special in your talent,morality ,personality and maturity.

    I wish you all the best.
    Please do not delete my comments but you do not have to reply

    Henry
    Washington,D.C.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. 'm sorry, I did not delete your comments out of rudeness. I appreciate all your love, support, and kindness. In Christ, we are all brothers and sisters and we all share in Christian love. Thank you so much Henry for following my blogs and commenting. It means the world to me and I am sure that you are a special and unique individual. God bless you!

      Delete
    3. This makes me feel better
      Thank you
      You are wonderful
      Henry

      Delete
  15. I just saw this and lifted a prayer for you. And here is a helping hint, when ED tries to convince you that you are fat, just convince him that you are healthy.

    May God give you strength and health.

    ReplyDelete

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