I did not sleep well last night. Actually, I hardly slept at all. I was awake, laying on my bed. Thoughts rushing through my head, heart beating fast, sweat trickling down my back...I was anxious, sad, frustrated, and full of remorse.
I'm not feeling well this morning either. I guess it's pretty obvious when I'm not well - the nurses and other patients keep on asking me what is wrong. And all I can do is give a forceful smile and say that I'm alright; that I'm just tired.
And the truth is, I AM tired. In no way do I intend to make this post a 'pity' post, but I find that writing about what I'm going through is helpful. If you feel that you no longer wish to continue reading, then please stop here. But perhaps you may find something that you can identify with, or perhaps even share in my pain.
I'm frustrated that my weight continues to climb high, with pounds and pounds being added to my body. I'm angry and uncomfortable that my clothes are fitting differently. I'm astonished at the amount of food that I'm eating. I'm overwhelmed by the feelings that I am feeling. I'm sad at the way my life is with ED. I'm full, I'm grumpy...I'm exhausted.
I spent last night in my bed, praying that God would grant me serenity and peace. I so desperately longed to sleep - to escape from all my problems for just seven hours. But, to my frustration, I did not get any sleep. Staying awake on my bed only made me MORE tired. But my eyes could not shut. This morning, I feel very....unlike me. I feel that all my feelings and thoughts are jumbled together. I'm confused, I'm lost.
ED is taking advantage of the fact that I feel ill today. To add to my exhaustion and frustration, he's screaming in my ear that I'm no good, that I'm a failure. That I look terrible, ugly, hideous, and fat. That I deserve nothing good in this world, and that nothing good is coming my way. That I have no purpose but to serve him, to lose weight, to be miserable my entire life. He's yelling at me even as I write this, forbidding me from sharing my feelings so that no one makes me feel better. ED loves it when I feel this way because then it is so simple to fall into his traps and obey him. I was crying all last night; I'm still crying through this morning. My tissue box has been changed twice; my nose is bright pink and it is getting difficult to breathe.
I want to go home. Actually, I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do. I'm heartbroken, tired, frustrated, and sick of myself. I'm uncomfortable and angry at everything around me. I want to scream, but instead, tears come out. I want to escape from everything and just be alone to cry myself to sleep - and even that did not work last night. I'm hopeless.
I'm asking that you pray for me today. I'm begging you to pray to the Lord that He may fill my heart with peace and acceptance. I am nothing without Him, and yet, I feel like I have no value. ED is so powerful right now because of my low mood. Please, this is my call to YOU. I'm in need of motivation, of strength to carry on. Every inch of my being is telling me to run away, to go somewhere where no one can find me and I can be alone. But deep down, I know that this will do more harm than good.
"If God is with us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31). I just wish that I could apply this verse to my life right now.