'Fear' Foods

The title might make you think twice - why is 'fear' and 'food' put into the same sentence? I mean, isn't food just lovely? Why would any normal person FEAR food? It is just food. You make it, you buy it, you eat it. And that's it. Nothing to it.

Well, welcome to the world of ED, where food - usually certain kinds - are scary. I admit, when I first came into treatment, EVERYTHING was scary. An apple was poison. Vegetables were dangerous. Now, imagine what I did with desserts like cheesecake or chocolate?! I was panicking. I honestly thought that I would not survive to the next meal. It was frightening to be faced with desserts and to be expected to eat all of it.

It is so unfortunate how ED messes up with people's heads like this. Delicious desserts that are meant to be savoured and enjoyed become the enemy, the worst piece of food that can be placed in front of you. Eating no longer becomes pleasurable; it is a chore and punishment.

Eating desserts still makes me a bit anxious. When I see that I have to eat chocolate or cake, I start to feel tense. My mind instantly thinks of how wrong this, of how much weight I will gain, etc. But I am starting to realize when these thoughts are coming, so I quickly try to deflect them away by reminding myself that NORMAL people enjoy desserts even once in a while. And God made this food, so it must be good. I am trying to stop labelling foods as either 'good' or 'bad'. All foods in moderation is the perfect motto!

And so, I find that I am starting to even challenge myself to eat these foods I'm incorporating dessert-type foods into my meals, and each time, it actually becomes a bit easier to eat them. A perfect example of exposure therapy!

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