Sunday, 19 August 2012

In the Moment

Do you ever find your mind rushing to the future, or spinning back to the past? You know the feeling - you are sitting in front of loads of work that needs to get done, but all you can do right now is think OUTSIDE of the present moment. It takes a lot to rewire yourself back to here and now.

I struggle with this a lot. I find myself searching through my past, desperately trying to find a reason for my ED. I can pinpoint numerous events that may have triggered it, but I cannot find THE ONE THING that made me develop anorexia. I recall the horror that I faced in the ICU, and I think: God, why me? Why did I have to go through this? I just wish I knew the answer.

Now, I'm also struggling with thinking far into the future. I think about what my weight will be next week, what my grades will be next year, and what my future will look like in ten years. I have great difficulty staying in the moment because my mind just wants to know what is coming up next. Humans like predictability - it gives us a sense of assurance because then we feel like we are in control. When things like the future are unknown, we get scared because we do not know what is coming up. I myself become anxious thinking about the future because I'm worried about what will happen to me, my body, my school, my career, my (future/possible) family, etc.

But worrying about the future is not healthy, and it certainly does not make me feel any better. On the contrary, the more I think about the future, the more anxious I get because I realize that I can never know for sure what will occur. The solution? Simply staying in the moment. Not looking back to the past, nor searching ahead for the future. This is not to say that I must forget my past - it will always be a part of me, whether I like it or not. But I should not dwell on it, as I have learned that it only causes pain and confusion. At the same time, this is not to say that I must not look ahead to my future. No, I should try my best to achieve my goals and dreams. But I should not search for answers that I cannot find - God knows what is in my future, I just have to trust in Him.

ED is the master of making me look back to my past in order to reprimand myself for my mistakes (ex. eating too much when I was a kid, not having physical activity, etc). Then, he makes me look into the future, only to see no hope and a world of darkness. Understandably, this leaves me feeling sad, alone, and helpless. So, starting now, I am committing myself to staying in the moment. Whenever I find myself going to the past or the future, I will become aware of this and bring my mind back to the present moment. I am here and now - not then and there.

"THIS is the DAY that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24).

7 comments:

  1. You are God"s Daughter and God has a wpnderful plan for your future.
    Only you do all your best at the moment and God will bless

    Mary
    Mississauga

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  2. Hi Maro
    From your present you can predict your future.Your present is that God created you in his shape ,beatiful kind ,intelligent,talneted ,loving,caring and hard worker.
    God showed you that He is always with you.
    So you can be sure that you will have a wonderful future too.
    I think many people share this opinion with me about you.
    You are right focus on the moment

    N A

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  3. You are a very strong girl and you have so much courage to share your experience with others so that they can learn from you. I know it may seem hard to believe right now; but you will get through this. You have so many people praying for you and so many that love you. Always remember this verse: " I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me" Phil 4:13 ...Find your strength in Him and in the people that love you and one day God will use your experience so that you can be the strength of someone who will need you.

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  4. Live and enjoy the moment.
    Your future is success as long as you persevere in the present.

    Jen

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  5. Hi my lovely nurse Marina
    I agree with you keep focus on the moment.You do not have to worry about future as you will be a very beautiful and healthy successful nurse or nursing teacher.
    You be aware of the deception of Ed that always reminds you with the negative and you know ED is skillful in knowing what hurt you and he will keep pushing on you till put you again under his control but You said "NO WAY ED .You can not get me back again ED you are out".
    I am really honest,I have not met a mature young girl like you.
    With all my love and respect,have beatiful day and will meet again on the blog!!!


    Henry

    Washington D C

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  6. Good day Marina
    I agree being aware of ED deception and focusing on the moment is the best plan.
    You said it right ED abuse his victims and I really like the term you mentioned before "ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP"
    You are right ,We see and hear about women abused by partners suffer all kind of abuse and control without mercy.We hear abusvie partners keep calling their partners and women they loved before all the names you heard about and put them down with all negative comments and abused women finally belive thir abusive partners and lose their self confidence and self esteem and start to believ what their partner say and this turn into guilty feelings and depression and blame themselves for the troubled relationship rather than seeing themselves as victims needing liberation .Some continue in the abusive relationship blaming themslves for what has come but others stand up and leave that abusive partner and start new life ,regaining self confidenec without looking at the negative past.
    You Marina is a strong educated,determind and honest young women that can creat a better future for self and others as I can how you motivated others through your blog

    I would like your comment on this

    My respect

    Mohammed
    Kingston,ON

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    Replies
    1. I am not sure exactly what you want me to comment on, but I will start by saying thank you for all your encouraging comments and insight. I'm very blessed to have readers as yourself!

      If you mean 'motivating others through your blog', that is my intention. In writing this blog, I am hoping to share my story with others. I want people to realize that anorexia is a serious illness that us not a choice, yet claims the lives of many. I am hoping that people who suffer with ED can read this blog and take motivation to their own recovery - whatever that means. I am praying that those without ED can learn about the illness to support victims, or to prevent it from occuring to loved ones. Learning about ED has not been a top priority in today's society, but I beliee that it is time that enough attention be given to this terrible illness. Let me know if this answers you!

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