In the Moment

Do you ever find your mind rushing to the future, or spinning back to the past? You know the feeling - you are sitting in front of loads of work that needs to get done, but all you can do right now is think OUTSIDE of the present moment. It takes a lot to rewire yourself back to here and now.

I struggle with this a lot. I find myself searching through my past, desperately trying to find a reason for my ED. I can pinpoint numerous events that may have triggered it, but I cannot find THE ONE THING that made me develop anorexia. I recall the horror that I faced in the ICU, and I think: God, why me? Why did I have to go through this? I just wish I knew the answer.

Now, I'm also struggling with thinking far into the future. I think about what my weight will be next week, what my grades will be next year, and what my future will look like in ten years. I have great difficulty staying in the moment because my mind just wants to know what is coming up next. Humans like predictability - it gives us a sense of assurance because then we feel like we are in control. When things like the future are unknown, we get scared because we do not know what is coming up. I myself become anxious thinking about the future because I'm worried about what will happen to me, my body, my school, my career, my (future/possible) family, etc.

But worrying about the future is not healthy, and it certainly does not make me feel any better. On the contrary, the more I think about the future, the more anxious I get because I realize that I can never know for sure what will occur. The solution? Simply staying in the moment. Not looking back to the past, nor searching ahead for the future. This is not to say that I must forget my past - it will always be a part of me, whether I like it or not. But I should not dwell on it, as I have learned that it only causes pain and confusion. At the same time, this is not to say that I must not look ahead to my future. No, I should try my best to achieve my goals and dreams. But I should not search for answers that I cannot find - God knows what is in my future, I just have to trust in Him.

ED is the master of making me look back to my past in order to reprimand myself for my mistakes (ex. eating too much when I was a kid, not having physical activity, etc). Then, he makes me look into the future, only to see no hope and a world of darkness. Understandably, this leaves me feeling sad, alone, and helpless. So, starting now, I am committing myself to staying in the moment. Whenever I find myself going to the past or the future, I will become aware of this and bring my mind back to the present moment. I am here and now - not then and there.

"THIS is the DAY that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24).

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