Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Isolation

No one likes to be alone for a long time. You start to feel lonely, and you long for someone - anyone - to break the silence that you are living in. You want to speak to someone, to stay with someone, to feel connected and loved. This is a basic human need - we all want to be surrounded by people sometimes.

ED takes this away from his victims. Deep into ED, I wanted to completely isolate myself. Any gatherings or outings probably included food, so I had to avoid them. I did not want to go there and be the only one not eating, and then have to explain (or lie!) that I had already eaten before, was not hungry, etc. Get-togethers also meant that I would see other people - people who were (as ED put it) prettier, smarter, thinner, and more-loved and important than I was. So, why would I go to such things that would only increase my anxiety and worry? Simple. I would not go. I would isolate myself.

In truth, I was not COMPLETELY isolated. I had ED with me the entire time. When no one was around to speak to, ED talked to me. He told me how fat, ugly, hideous, stupid, and useless I was. He whispered insult after insult into my head. He reprimanded me for feeling hungry or wanting to eat something. He called me names when I felt like meeting with people. He told me I was no good, and that the best solution was to stay away from people and only stick with him. And for the longest time, I blindly listened.

But now, in recovery, I am realizing that isolation is NOT fun. I miss my friends, my school, and my family. I want to go out with my friends and watch a movie, go to the park, shop in the mall, go bowling, etc. I want to have a nice conversation with my friends. I want to feel the warmth of having people around me, of sharing stories, of laughing at funny stories, etc. I now feel the innate need to be loved and be around others. If food is part of the gathering and I have not eaten my meals, I will eat. If I have already eaten my meals, then I can confidently explain that I have already eaten - and this time around, it WILL NOT be a lie. I can surround myself with people that I love and who love me. I can feel safe, happy, and comforted that I belong - that to others, I am important and wanted.

ED hates this. And he is constantly making up excuses why I SHOULD NOT go out or meet with people. You are too ugly and fat. You have gained a lot of weight and everyone will notice and comment. You will look so terrible that people will talk about you - or even behind your back. They do not want you around. You do not need them. I am all you need.

Well, ED, you are NOT what I need - or want, for that matter. You are, in fact, the main reason why I am choosing to go out. I no longer want or take refuge in your company. I am surrounding myself with people who love me because I deserve that - to be loved, cared for, and wanted. I am filling my life with important people and precious moments of happiness. And guess what? There is no more room for you in my life. Move over, ED, here comes my life.

8 comments:

  1. Yes Marina No more room for ED in your life.I will try to free myself also for his glue !! His sticks to me thoughts like glue sticks to my body
    With your motivation ,I will leave him and make new friends like you

    Anne A

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can not believ how Jealousy this ED that only wants himself to be alone in your life with no body else.Only him,his needs ,demands ,
    Who can live like this
    Now you are free to make new friends and enjoy the life with family and friends that you have been denied for long
    Please catch up with the good life and company that you deserve.

    The best of life is yet to come and is waiting for you.
    I trust others will do same as you as you lead them
    Keep going

    Jack
    Political science student

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry to know how this ED robbed you from basic needs of life.
    I am so happy now you are out and about,going here and there ,busy on your blog and emails helping self and others.meeting frineds here and there.
    I am glad I am your friend.
    I am also jealous and I want be alone your dear friend but I know lots of people want be your friends

    The sky is the limit
    With my love and respect

    Jorge

    ReplyDelete
  4. YES!!! I am so excited for you to have ur life back. You deserve to be surrounded by the ppl who love u and want u in their lives. Life is not perfect, but it is worth living to the fullest. I am so happy for u. Keep pushing forward, it does get better and easier with time. God bless U sweetie :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Can you believe it Marina.That is what happened to my daughter for years before We noticed her eating and her weight loss,,,isolation from every body and all activities she used to love.
    Thanks to you who motivated her and she is doing better now

    Mother of ED beautiful girl

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Marina ,I have to admit that before reading your blog,I had no idea about ED and how much this monster seriously affecting all aspect of basic life ,physical health,emotional and socail and he just want victim to live in jail,hell and slave under his control.
    Thank you Marina for raising awareness about this serious disease and make people aware of early signs .
    From previous comment ,I could feel that isolation may be early sign of this disease .
    With MY humble resepct

    Mohammed

    ReplyDelete
  7. Marina
    It hurt me to hear how this disease isolate people from their loved ones.
    Thank you for bring up this early sign so that families can protect their children

    Mary

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Marina
    You remind me with my first partner who was very controlling and he never allowed me to see any one of my family ,friends or even going to school and I was not allowed to work except at home as his servant.
    Ed from your description is exactly same like my first partner.
    The moment I heard that he is gone forever,was unbelievable joy and happiness.
    I tell you after that I got my life back,I turned the scars of the past into stars ,lightening my life and I am happy now with a very supportive loving and caring partner.

    Thanks Marina for ringing the bells and raising awareness and waken people up


    S C

    ReplyDelete

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.