Wednesday, 1 August 2012

I'm full!

'I'm full'. I think I've said this phrase more than a gazillion times since I got into treatment. And it's not because I'm trying to be annoying or drive the staff crazy. It's because it is the truth: I'm stuffed by the end of every meal and snack.

My first week here landed with the 'base' meal plan - the smallest amount of food that the hospital would give ED patients. This week, however (and even though I gained five pounds), they decided to give me even MORE food. So, now I'm on three meals and two snacks...and the meals are BIG. Lunch, for example, is not simply a sandwich. It's a sandwich and a dessert (and a generous portion of both, may I add). Dinner is a starch, a veggie, and a protein, plus a dessert. Breakfast can be a combination of things, just like snacks can be. But, regardless of what meal or snack it is, it is A LOT of food.

By the middle of each meal, my stomach begins to tell me that I'm full. Try as I might, the feeling of heaviness in my stomach makes me realize that I simply cannot eat anymore. But I know that I have to. And so, I take a deep breath, say a quick prayer, and I keep eating. They call it 'mechanical' eating because you are basically like a robot - put fork into food, lift fork, put fork into mouth, chew, repeat. And then repeat as many times as needed until your plate is sparkling clean.

This all sounds so easy, but the feeling of fullness is horrid, especially to me with my anorexia. Feeling full means that I feel heavy. It means my stomach is no longer empty like it used to be when I was restricting. It means that I have eaten more than what I need. It means that my body will hold onto the food. It means that I will gain weight.

Pushing myself through meals gets very challenging and uncomfortable. I feel awful when I must eat even though I simply cannot eat anymore. But I have no choice. The anxiety before eating (because I'm scared of the food) becomes anxiety after a meal (because I know that I will gain weight from what I just ate). Then, anxiety follows through for the rest of the day because I'm still full from breakfast by the time lunch comes, still full from lunch by the time snack arrives, etc. It is so frustrating, sitting there and eating mechanically because you have to. Not because you enjoy it. Sure, sometimes I enjoy some of my meals. But once I get full, all happiness and comfort comes to a halt.

But, it is something that I have to do right now. What bothers me the most is knowing that each time I am full, I'm likely gaining weight because of the extra food in my system. And that makes me anxious, scared, and uncomfortable. I wish I could just eat until I'm full so that I do not have to feel this way.

I can't wait until that day comes.

5 comments:

  1. I came across this blog and I find it very interesting to follow and I never made any comments before as I a have nothing to add but today I could undersatnd your problem .
    THE FEAR FEAR
    My be you are fearful of many things in your life but what I can tell you are fearful of gaining weight and so you are fearful of any thing that can lead you to gain weight.
    You said you were bullied before and teased and laughed at etc when you were chubby

    Have you been teaseed about being bony,weak ,tired ,gasping for your breathing ,nurses silly looks and comments on your weak muscle.You may also fear being soo skinny ,bony ,sick and tired are you??
    So
    I mean the treatment for you is treat your fears
    Replace fear with reality
    Say the truth as you know it
    Not as your fears picture this image to you..

    Fear is a real enemy to our health and our life ,children or adults
    The truth sets you free
    I have no reciepe to treat your fears but I know therapists treat fears ,anxiety and worries
    See a good therapist ,be honest ,
    Let me know if you need a therapist and I will help .


    S C Friend from S Carolina

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  2. I agree with all what you feel.
    You are very honest in your writing and describing all facts ,feelings and emotions.
    I am looking forward to the day that you are completely recovered and you able to publish a book
    Thank you

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  3. Robot !!!,Eating like a robot
    What a sense of humor you put in your writing and your description
    It is a wonderful and meaningful expression
    I like it

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  4. I am A A

    I am on my own and most of the time I push myself to eat like a robot so that I will not come to a stage so bad as you were before .(mine is a mild case)
    I will be soon in the inpatient program and I am sure I will struggle same as you are but I will overcome all my fear and my feeling
    Your blog motivates me to kick this disease of my life forever
    I am here to stay
    Please continue to write

    A A

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  5. My names Allison

    I've been searching and searching for a blog like this! I can totally relate with the food problem. I eat like a robot too, you just can't think about the food. I have to eat a huge breakfast, snack, pretty big lunch, snack, and dinner, and snack. It's AMAZING. Does anybody else have to drink things called Ensures? I freaking hate them after now having to drink 3 plus there 250 calories. It's so hard to wrap my brain around!

    ReplyDelete

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