This is possibly the hallmark of eating disorders: ambivalence. Wanting to stay in program because I need to get better. But at the same time, seeing and feeling how hard this is and wanting to leave treatment.
Deep down inside, I know that I need to stay here. I see how much this program is doing for me, and I feel that I may just get better. But I also miss my home. I miss my school and my friends. I miss everything about life that has been taken away from me.
It is so easy to leave - after all, it is a voluntary program. It would be ever so simple to sign myself out and go back to normal life. To be honest, I often wish I could do this. Well, the truth is, I CAN do this. But something, somewhere, someone, somehow...there is that 'tug' that is keeping me here. Perhaps it is because I believe that I should have a life worth living. Maybe it is simply because I do not want to be miserable all my life.
I promise myself that if I leave treatment, I will continue to do well at home. And I truly believe that. But at the same time, life is so difficult. With all of it's frustrations, I can see how easy it would be to slip back into my old habits - even if I don't mean to. So, for now, staying in program might just be what is helpful.
Today was tough because I got weighed. And again, I gained A LOT of weight. I was so tempted, so eager to sign myself out. Every inch of my body and mind screamed to leave. I was prepared to pack my bags and head for home.
But something kept me here. I made it through the day, regardless of how hard it was. And let me say...it was VERY hard eating through all my meals. Feeling sad, angry, frustrated, and anxious definitely did not help.
But prayers did. I called on my support system and I am very lucky to say that they are what kept me here. I'm counting on my God to help me through this. I'm also counting on the people that love me, and on the people that I love.
So, am I still ambivalent? A bit. But I'd like to think of it as frustration more than ambivalence. I WANT to get better. But, no one said that this was going to be easy. In fact, it is a lot of work. But for now, I will focus on the present moment. Right now, I am in treatment. I am getting better.
I am getting my life back.