Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Ambivalence

This is possibly the hallmark of eating disorders: ambivalence. Wanting to stay in program because I need to get better. But at the same time, seeing and feeling how hard this is and wanting to leave treatment.

Deep down inside, I know that I need to stay here. I see how much this program is doing for me, and I feel that I may just get better. But I also miss my home. I miss my school and my friends. I miss everything about life that has been taken away from me.

It is so easy to leave - after all, it is a voluntary program. It would be ever so simple to sign myself out and go back to normal life. To be honest, I often wish I could do this. Well, the truth is, I CAN do this. But something, somewhere, someone, somehow...there is that 'tug' that is keeping me here. Perhaps it is because I believe that I should have a life worth living. Maybe it is simply because I do not want to be miserable all my life.

I promise myself that if I leave treatment, I will continue to do well at home. And I truly believe that. But at the same time, life is so difficult. With all of it's frustrations, I can see how easy it would be to slip back into my old habits - even if I don't mean to. So, for now, staying in program might just be what is helpful.

Today was tough because I got weighed. And again, I gained A LOT of weight. I was so tempted, so eager to sign myself out. Every inch of my body and mind screamed to leave. I was prepared to pack my bags and head for home.

But something kept me here. I made it through the day, regardless of how hard it was. And let me say...it was VERY hard eating through all my meals. Feeling sad, angry, frustrated, and anxious definitely did not help.

But prayers did. I called on my support system and I am very lucky to say that they are what kept me here. I'm counting on my God to help me through this. I'm also counting on the people that love me, and on the people that I love.

So, am I still ambivalent? A bit. But I'd like to think of it as frustration more than ambivalence. I WANT to get better. But, no one said that this was going to be easy. In fact, it is a lot of work. But for now, I will focus on the present moment. Right now, I am in treatment. I am getting better.

I am getting my life back.

10 comments:

  1. u r very brave i hope u keep it up and get ur life back

    ReplyDelete
  2. yay marz! <3 stay strong

    -yours truly ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Stay strong!!
    Everything will still be there when you're done this. :)
    This 2 weeks are St. Mary's.. May she interceded for you to our Lord!

    ReplyDelete
  4. May God give you strength to continue. Overcome yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Despite the Ambivalence that is "the hallmark of the disease" as you said,you are clearly making your decision to stay.
    You are looking at the benifits of staying despite the hard time and unpleasant emotions you r feeling today .
    You are armed by your Faith,support system,knowledge and I believe well organized treatment program.
    I see you are winning.
    I see you r looking at long life of happiness away from the misery of a controlling disease.
    Yes you r cute and you deserve a better life

    I will follow your feet steps and I hope I get a call soon when they have a spot for me as inpatient.

    A A

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes ,ambivalence is one of hallmarks of the disease .If you r able to overcome your ambivalence and believing in the pros of the complete recovery and not believing the lies of the disease,you are winning .You are making the disease angry but deeply your strengthening your self against your enemy who wants to rob you of every beauty of this life that U deserve.
    Please continue to the end


    Mohammed
    Kingston,On

    ReplyDelete
  7. Please rest assured you overcame the ambivalence and made the right decision to complete recovery,Cheers

    S C

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am very happy
    I love u more


    Jorge
    Toronto

    ReplyDelete
  9. I agree
    Ambivalence is a burden to making the right choice
    I have been smoking 2 packs daily and have been ambivalent.
    You are encouraging me to register to smoking cessation program and quit and I will do this today.

    I admire you

    Shady

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am glad that you tackled this issue as We always feel ambivalent when we have to make choices .we are hoping to choose the one with most gain at a less cost,less pain.
    May be hard to choose and make our decison and that is time when we ask a friend ,or a family member for guidance .
    I am very proud of knowledgible nurse and talented writer like you at that young age.
    Way to go
    The sky is the limit

    N A

    ReplyDelete

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.