Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Eating: before, after, during

Recovering from ED takes a lot more work than you'd think. If the patient is underweight, the obvious thing is to get them to a healthy weight. Sounds easy, right?

Wrong. It would be easy if we were talking about someone without ED. However, victims with ED are absolutely terrified of food. So, getting them to eat is a challemge. And, if you are lucky enough to get them to eat, you have to persuade them to eat enough. Then, you have to help them finish all their food.

Before I eat, I am anxious because I know that I am about to put food into my mouth. ED is screaming, telling me not to touch the food. To make up an excuse not to eat. To only take a little bite, and no more. To look at the food and see myself getting fat because of it.

While I'm eating, I try to distract myself. I try not to focus on the food. I mean, it tastes good and all, but I have ED telling me that I am weak. Powerless. Fiflthy for consuming food. Lazy and useless for giving in to my body's demands for nourishment. A failure at life.

After I've eaten - which is already horrifying - I have a gazillion feelings rushing through me. There is guilt because I have eaten - I have consumed the very thing that I am very afraid of. There is anxiety because ED tells me that I will gain weight. There is hatred for myself for being so greedy, so weak because I actually ate something.

So, you can see how ED can torment me all day long. He talks to me before I eat, while I'm eating, and after I'm done eating! And it hurts. He knows just what to say to get me down, to make me feel horrible and not confident. To make me cry.

The solution? Well, I wish there was a quick fix. I suppose I have learned to drown his voice whenever he decides to invade my brain. While I am eating, I talk with my friends or family - this lessens the focus on the food. If we can, we plan games like Table Topics or Scruples (by the way, anyone should invest in these! They are great!). After I am finished eating, I make sure that I know what I am going to do next - be it a puzzle, studying, calling my friends, watching TV, reading, etc. This ensurse that ED cannot creep in and distract me from my life - I am one step ahead of him. I'll be too busy to listen to his annoying and hurtful comments.

Before I eat...well, if all is well, I am great at keeping myself busy. I have trained myself not to think about the food before I have eaten it. This way, my entire day is not consumed about thoughts of weight, shape, food, etc. I love to do things - anything. Distractions or activities are a lot of fun, and they sure do keep my mind off ED. Whether it is writing this blog, reading a good book, shopping with my friends, watching a movie - I have a back-up plan against ED at all times.

Who would have imagined that a simple and mandatory thing in life - providing my body with the nourishment it needs to function - could be so much work?! Well, that is ED for you. He is relentless; he will not stop nor give up easily. The only way to be sure that he does not have the upper hand is to be on duty, watching out for him 24/7. Tiring? Of course.

But worth it? Definitely.


  1. Definitely it worth it.
    Yes it needs hard work 24/7 to free your mind from the destructive ED thougghts.
    It worth all the sacrifice.
    Freeing some one from ED is making a diffrence .It is a fight between life and death,Good and evil and happiness and misery and between liberation and slavery.
    I learnt a lot from this blog about ED and how ED has severe influence on victims behaviours to the extent that poison their mind so victims think of food (that normal people enjoy )as a poison.
    God have mercy
    I trust many victims can learn from your ideas


  2. Hi M.
    This is my weakest point and that is why I do not want get treated because as you explained .Just eat is easy said than done for ED victims.
    I will do what you said and I am sure as things work for you,will work for me too.I am follwoing your lead.Your success is mine .
    I feel as if I ve known you for long time.

    Have a good day

  3. Hi Marina
    If you agree to be my GF,you would not have any problem before,during or after as you see me eating all the time very easily without worrying at all((just kidding with you)

    You my dear very artcicualrly descibing one of the hardest symtoms of the ED that many people and even health care providers not aware of it.
    I think it needs more and more practice and CBT to put all fears of food under control so thought ED will not blackmail victims .
    I love you so much and I urge you to continue your diary that is helping many ED victims and their close frineds to be aware


  4. I feel sorry for all ED victims who were denied 1-the enjoyment of eating and tasting food in one part and also 2- food is essential to our life to nourish our body and protect us from getting sick.
    Can you believe this ,how a disease make you afraid of what others enjoy and love to have.
    I agree with your plan on how to control that feeling and I think every one with ED should try what you recommended.
    God be with you

    My humble respect


  5. That explains why my friend who is really sick and very bony is always rejecting any invitaion to go to a party,lunch or even coffee.
    I will bring ED thing to her and her family.I as sure she has Ed as she has all the symtoms you said in your blog and I will try ,may be she is at risk.
    I will alert her to your blog to read herself


  6. Dear Marina,

    I want you to know that you're in the prayers of so many who care about you. I admire your ability to articulate your thoughts and feelings to be inspiring.

    God wants to turn your pain and suffering into joy and peace, and your fear and weakness into courage and strength in Him."My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times… Pour out your heart before Him…" (Psalm 62:5-8, NKJV).


  7. Marina you skillfully depict the picture of the disease and by the end of each blog you adeptly details of the solution so that people can learn from your experience.
    I pray for you and for others and I wish you all the best

    S K

  8. Hey marina
    Each blog you are teaching us new information and new skill.
    I think all your knowledge and skills should be invested in great work in the near future.
    Keep up

    S C

  9. I appreciate all what you do to give your experience to others.
    God bless you



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