I'm starting to become paranoid of the way I look. And it really sucks. I'm aware of the fact that I am gaining weight. I feel my clothes getting tighter, and I feel my body changing. I hate it.
As the number on the scale goes up, I feel more and more anxious. I hate the fact that my body is getting larger. My treatment team likes to remind me that I'm not getting fat; that I'm getting healthier. That my organs are becoming their normal size; that everything will slowly start to recover from the starvation.
But inside, it feels terrible. I'm starting to see myself in the mirror and I'm not liking it. I'm feeling the food in my stomach and I feel uncomfortable. I'm not seeing the bones stick out or the tiny arms and it scares me. It makes me feel that I'm expanding...that soon enough, I'll be overweight all over again.
This is what body image is all about: how you see yourself. ED messes up with body image....he tells me that I'm no good, that I'm getting fat, and that the weight gain won't stop. And it is ever so easy to believe him because I SEE the number increasing A LOT each week, and I feel my clothes getting smaller. It is anxiety-provoking. I feel scared and unsafe. I feel very down. My self-confidence is falling.
If it were not for my God, I would not be alive today. My parents always tell me that God has a purpose for each of us. Many times in my life, I forget about this because I'm just so frustrated with my life and ED. But today, more than ever, I'm realizing that they are right. Life is not just about the way I look or what size I am in clothes. Life is so much more. It's about fulfilling God's purpose and achieving....being the best that I can be and being His true image. But I need help with that. I cannot do it alone....I don't think anyone can. So, even though my body image is terrible right now, I know that there is ONE person in the entire world who will not judge me based on my appearance. He will never tell me that I'm ugly or that He does not love me. I'm ever so thankful to have a God like Him.
And with each day that I recover, I know that I am one step closer to Him.