A big problem with me is that I hate disappointing others. I hate feeling that I have let people down. It makes me feel like a failure and it hurts me. I begin to hate myself because I feel that I am no good; that I can accomplish nothing; that I have no purpose or use in life.
I'm writing this post to apologize to anyone that I have ever hurt - whether in the past few years or in the past few days. I'm sorry to my parents who have always loved me and have endured the hardships of my eating disorder. I am sorry to my sister who has been nothing but strong throughout this entire journey. I am sorry to my friends whom I neglected because I was too sick. I am sorry to my Church for not being a better servant. I am sorry to anyone I have intentionally or unintentionally hurt.
Right now, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I talked to my family today about leaving treatment. I feel trapped in this unit - not being able to go outside the 4 walls I'm confined in, being under severe scrutiny, and not going anywhere. I feel like my emotions have taken a plummet downwards, especially in the past week. Over the last two weeks, I have been debating on whether or not I want to stay here. Today, I feel like it is my time to leave.
Upon leaving, I believe that I CAN in fact do well. I plan on meeting with a dietician (and perhaps a therapist) to ensure that I am progressing. I will also have follow-up appointments with the staff at the hospital. I will be leaving with a great deal of knowledge on the food that I need to eat. During my stay here, I have also gained a lot of information about how to cope with my feelings, how to handle certain situations, and much more. I know that this journey will not be easy, but I feel that this is the decision that I have to make.
I want to apologize if I, in any way, have disappointed anyone. I promise with all my heart that I will continue to move forward, that I will continue to nurture myself back to full health. The month that I spent in treatment has given me great lessons about life, ED, myself, and so much more. I am confident that I can do a good job outside as well. I am, however, in need of lots of support and prayers. I need the constant encouragement and love and kindness that I have so far received on facebook, this blog, in person, on the phone, etc. I am only a weak person and cannot do this without all of you! And, during this entire journey, I have (and will!) keep my eyes on God, for He alone has the power to make me better.
"For I press on towards the goal, which is the upward calling of Christ" (Philippians 3:14).