Thursday, 9 August 2012

Thus Far I Have Come

A big problem with me is that I hate disappointing others. I hate feeling that I have let people down. It makes me feel like a failure and it hurts me. I begin to hate myself because I feel that I am no good; that I can accomplish nothing; that I have no purpose or use in life.

I'm writing this post to apologize to anyone that I have ever hurt - whether in the past few years or in the past few days. I'm sorry to my parents who have always loved me and have endured the hardships of my eating disorder. I am sorry to my sister who has been nothing but strong throughout this entire journey. I am sorry to my friends whom I neglected because I was too sick. I am sorry to my Church for not being a better servant. I am sorry to anyone I have intentionally or unintentionally hurt.

Right now, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I talked to my family today about leaving treatment. I feel trapped in this unit - not being able to go outside the 4 walls I'm confined in, being under severe scrutiny, and not going anywhere. I feel like my emotions have taken a plummet downwards, especially in the past week. Over the last two weeks, I have been debating on whether or not I want to stay here. Today, I feel like it is my time to leave.

Upon leaving, I believe that I CAN in fact do well. I plan on meeting with a dietician (and perhaps a therapist) to ensure that I am progressing. I will also have follow-up appointments with the staff at the hospital. I will be leaving with a great deal of knowledge on the food that I need to eat. During my stay here, I have also gained a lot of information about how to cope with my feelings, how to handle certain situations, and much more. I know that this journey will not be easy, but I feel that this is the decision that I have to make.

I want to apologize if I, in any way, have disappointed anyone. I promise with all my heart that I will continue to move forward, that I will continue to nurture myself back to full health. The month that I spent in treatment has given me great lessons about life, ED, myself, and so much more. I am confident that I can do a good job outside as well. I am, however, in need of lots of support and prayers. I need the constant encouragement and love and kindness that I have so far received on facebook, this blog, in person, on the phone, etc. I am only a weak person and cannot do this without all of you!  And, during this entire journey, I have (and will!) keep my eyes on God, for He alone has the power to make me better.

"For I press on towards the goal, which is the upward calling of Christ" (Philippians 3:14).


  1. You motivated me to getto call and add my name to the waiting list for inpatient after long time of ambivalenec.Your hints ,advise and all your blog helped me to get motivated to look for going into the program.
    I will try all the best I can and complete the program.
    You are a great person and deserve a better life. I do not think you are disappointing any body even your parents.Parents only want the best for you.
    Thank you so much.
    Please continue to fight this illness whether you in or out of the program.

    A A

  2. Hey
    Feel good about yourself .By just thinking about making a decision ,means that you(at this moment) not ambivalent and also admiting for not completing the program,you are not perfectionist.These are two hallmarks of ED (as you said before).
    My questions to you,
    Did you make that decision based on your rational and wise mind and not biased by ED.
    As you know the only one is benifiting from not completing your recovery is ED.
    other question is ,Do you think you will be able to continue doing what needs to be done outside in our tough and stressful daily life?

    Do you feel you learned from the program in that short time about all tricks of the disease and you know how to help and defend yourself against ED??

    In my expereince it takes people weeks and months to aquire skills necessary.
    Remeber you have a lot of skills to brag about and you deserve a better life

    I wish you all the best.
    I am a therapist in TO if you need my help

    W K

  3. Hi
    You have done a lot so far,you came in and tried all you can.You are helping others by giving your knowledge and experience to others in this blog.You are so kind to others.My question is are you so kind to yourself?
    I hope that you continue in the program to aquire all the skills that help defending you against ED,and other stressful life events.
    Ed is not only eating .As you know ED affects thoughts and emotions and feelings.I am quite sure the treatment will help your organs to recover ,your thinking be much better,your feeling be more happy and your emotions being regulated.
    I am quite sure you will never ever ever be fat.

    I am a psychlogist student in Kingston and I am willing to help you.
    You are so kind person.
    May God bless you



  4. I wish you all the best .You are not disappointing any body.This is your life and you are the only one knows what is best for you as long as this is your decision and not pressed by any one else
    I support you and I want to thank you for this blog.


  5. You bet on my support and prayers.
    Enjoy your life outside as long as never let ED again torture you and drag you back
    You are great
    Thank you for your blog.You are a talented writer


  6. Of course you have my support,encouragement,love and respect

    You are wonderful.You are very mature ,honest and kind.
    Please as much as you love others and so kind to others,please love and be kind to yourself.
    Never disappoint your body or your health,feelings and emotions.


  7. Hello my dear
    As you know I am a nurse and you and me know that ED can not be treated on your own.
    Can you think about leaving the program before really feeling skilled and competent enough to maintain treatment on your own?
    With my respect,I support you.You are very mature and highly eduacted.
    Thank you for sharing your own experince to help others and raise awaremness about a serious disease that is missed by many doctors.

    My regards ,love and respect

    Washington,D C

  8. You have all the elements of success.You smart,knowledgible and have good support system.I am sure you can dodo it in or out.


  9. I believe you are able even though one has to be aware of the deception of the disease and always be on the offense not the defence when you are fighting this disease,you know what I mean.

    Good luck
    Thanks for your blog
    It is wonderful ,well written and should be in a book


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  11. I was in simmilar situation when I was struggling with my alcohol addiction and many times I signed my self out but later on I regret it till last time when I stayed and resist any temptation or pressure to leave before complete recvery.I am now sober and working and married.
    I pray for you and wish you all the best.
    Please continue your journey of recovery now matter where or how.God works every where.

    Carlos Lopez

  12. Your blog reminds me with all I had gone through.I find it very helpful to patients and their families and also to public awareness.

    When I was ambivalent my therapist taught me how to balance my decision.
    beween what I have and need to do and between what I want and like to do.
    Always you can find a compromize.

    Recovered ED Victim

  13. Good morning.
    Thank you for reading and replying to my comments.
    I am realy interested in your blog and I learn also from it.
    This morning I was reading an article about fears(phobia) and I was surprized that one helpful psychotherapy treatment is by flooding means exposing patients to their fears in its maximum dose but under supervison of therapist and in a supportive invironment and this can be helpful and patients become not any more afraid as they experience the worst fear,confronted it and no harm happened to them.

    I thought of you and so I am writing to say that I think you are leaving the treatment program because of FEAR to gain weight and I thought may be one of the goal of the program is to flood you with the most fearful issue in your life and by end of the program you will know no harm is done to you and you completely recover

    Make sense ??
    Please comment as I like to hear your experience..


  14. I was hoping you will continue and complete the recovery and tell us day by day all what you experienc and learn from the treatment.
    If you decide to sign out against medical advise ,please continue to write and tell us how you are doing.
    I am my self sick and tired of my ED and was hoping one day I get help.
    You gave me a hope and I am not sure what will happen next

    I wish you all the best in your endeavor

    ED patient in misery

  15. Dear Marina,
    So happy to hear that you are working through recovery - you are amazing. I was in BioChem tutorial with you and was amazed at the talents God gave you to understand it all! Praying that you will continue to get better every day! Thank you for writing so beautifully about your journey - it will help others! One day I may have the privilege of working with you in Nursing! Please give your parents and sister a hug from all those who care about you!

    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
    Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
    Plans to give you hope and a future."
    Jeremiah 29:11

  16. It's really good to hear that you're getting better Marina!
    Everyone's so happy for you.
    Please don't give up on the program yet. Not for the sake of "not disappointing people". Your family and friends will stand by you regardless.
    But it will be much more difficult if you leave it. If the struggle against ED is a consuming fire, the program is like an "insulating suit" that's been tried and tested time and time again
    It may not be perfect. And it definitely makes you feel a lot of "heat". But it's a guaranteed way of recovery.
    Please if you're adamant about leaving it make sure it's God's Will and your rational mind making the decision.
    Not the ED, or the tired part of you.

    You've already gotten through soooo much!
    Don't risk falling behind now ;) <3

    P.S. I hope my bad analogy makes sense

  17. good luck sweetie, all the best and i no ur going to make it!!


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