Friday, 17 August 2012

Vulnerable


Vulnerable. I hate that word. It makes me feel weak, powerless, and alone. It makes me feel that I am a failure and a disappointment to people around me. To be vulnerable means to show your weakness to others and to be exposed in front of them – at least, that is what it means to me.

I have always been the type of girl who likes to appear strong in front of others. I do my best to smile all the time, to look composed and ‘put together’. I get embarrassed when I make mistakes, although I try my best to see the bright side of things.

Now, say hello to ED. He is great at making me feel inferior to everyone around me. When ED came along, I felt that my vulnerability increased. When people knew that I was sick, I was so worried that everyone would start to treat me differently. I was afraid that people would look at me and comment on my eating habits or body shape, or simply the way I looked. Having this illness made me feel weak; I was scared that others would see me this was as well. And for a long time, this fear kept me locked up inside of my home, terrified of seeing others because of their reactions. I did not want people to judge me or make fun of me because of my sickness.

As I am recovering, I am still worried that people will look at me and see my vulnerable side. I am anxious that people will not see Marina, the smart nursing student, the respectful daughter, the caring friend, the loving sister, or the faithful servant. Instead, I worry that they will only see Marina, the girl with an eating disorder who is gaining weight daily and no longer looks thin. I do not want them to see me as a sick individual who has problems with her body image, self-esteem, or accepting her shape. Deep inside, I am frightened that they will not see the good parts of me, and that they will only see the negatives – just like ED does.

It is really hard to admit this vulnerability to others because I am scared that they will not understand. I am terrified of the day when someone tells me ‘ why don’t you just EAT?’ or ‘you have gained weight and now look so healthy’.  I don’t want people to say ‘oh, you know Marina, that girl who has anorexia’. I want people to know me for ME. I would not mind if people knew me as the girl RECOVERING, but when I am labelled by my illness, it hurts. It makes me feel as if I need to hide from society because I do not belong. And once I start to isolate, ED takes advantage of that and begins to creep back into my life. He takes this chance to remind me that I am all alone, that I am the black sheep of the community because I have anorexia.

So, for now, I am trying my best to remind MYSELF that having this illness does not make me anymore vulnerable than the average person. I am sick with anorexia, but anorexia does not define who I am. Being ill does not make me weak or useless – it just means that I (like everyone else in the world) am struggling with an obstacle in my life. The great news is that there is hope that I can, and will, recover. Humans all have their weaknesses – this is mine. There, I said it. And if anyone wants to use my illness against me, they are a waste of my time. (That includes you, ED!).

9 comments:

  1. The last word is absolutely right,if any one label you or use illness against you,they have problems ,not you and they are a waste of your time.You can say with full mouth they arre TRASH

    Recovered ED victim

    ReplyDelete
  2. Please never say you are vulnerable.You are the strongest person,I ve met.You are a leader
    You helped me more than frineds,family and doctors.
    Look at your record and read your own writing and you will know the real you.
    I am glad to know your name is Marina.It is an inspiring name.

    I am A A ands my name is Anne

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a good name Marina
    If ED or other people tell you you are (any of the negatives)tell them GO TO HELL
    The reality is you are a talented strong person that caught by a serious disease and lived with this monster like a slave and that abusive monster kept telling you all the negative till you believed him and forgot the REAL STRONG SMART KIND LOVELY MARINA.

    I admire and respect you.
    I am almost graduating to become a psychologist and I can evaluate people and I am not flattering you(I only know you from your blog)
    You rank high among peers at all levels

    My respect Marina

    Mohaamed,
    Kingston,ON

    ReplyDelete
  4. Marina being sick at a time in your life does not make you feel vulnerable or a label stick to your name or people judge you knowing this .
    If people do this ,this is dead wrong.
    I am for one I never care about negative criticism.I like,respect and listen and welcome others opinion if constructive and with good intention.

    You are strong girl that able to put down ED


    S C

    ReplyDelete
  5. From statistics actually people once completely recovered get immunity and their body becomes more stronger and more resistant Not vulnerable.
    You are now more stronger and resiliant and Not vulnerable.

    S K

    ReplyDelete
  6. Majority of Canadian are considerate and polite and so will respect people no matter who are they or what their past were.
    I agree few peolpe are arogant,hateful and can chip on shoulders by putting others down.
    The way I deal with this kind of people is to ignore them and if I have to be close to them as at work ,I will try work with them acknoledging only the good character they have and we can find a common ground .

    I like your blog


    Sam
    Science teacher,Toronto

    ReplyDelete
  7. No single human being without weakness here or there but this by no means people need to track every person past.What matters is who you are now and what you are doing.
    The only thing is our past esperince can teach us how to do better in our present and our future.

    I also like and read you blog daily but I never made any comments before

    Lilian,
    Niagar Falls,ON

    ReplyDelete
  8. It is a sin and socially unacceptible to label people or look at thier weakness.
    I wouldn't think about it at all.
    I agree with others comments
    You are stronger and achieved much more than lots of people can do.

    Mary
    Mississauga,ON

    ReplyDelete
  9. Marina you are a great inspiration! Continue your hard work and God will do the rest! You are one of the strongest people I have seen and everyone is sooo proud of you.

    ReplyDelete

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.