Health is Wealth

I love Disney. Really, I do. When I was young, I loved watching all their movies. Okay, Okay. I STILL love watching their movies. And I loved the characters - Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, etc. I've been to DisneyWorld, DisneyLand, and DisneyLand Paris. And if I ever got the chance, I'd go back there anytime! So you can imagine how shocked I was when I read this:  http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/blogs/fashion/minnie-mouse-daisy-duck-whittled-down-barney-8217-172800382.html Go to the link and see for yourself. That's right. The picture is of Minnie Mouse, wearing fashionable/designer clothes. I could NOT believe that Disney agreed to change the way their characters look just to advertise for designer clothes! What really makes me angry is the fact that all the characters were made thinner and taller. This does not even look like Minnie Mouse anymore! Why couldn't they just dress Minnie in the designer clothes, but keep her original size and look?! Why did they have to m...

When my family first realized that I had a problem with food and weight, they were really confused. My parents were frightened because they did not quite understand what anorexia was. I mean, my father knew about eating disorders from his practice, but he did not have much experience with it. Needless to say, both of my parents were shocked that I had ED. My culture - one from the Middle East - is BIG on food. Every occasion includes big fancy meals and dishes. If a guest comes over, the best thing you can do for them is to feed them. If you do not eat a meal at a friend's house, you are being 'disrespectful'. If you do not offer people food when they come over, you are being a bad host. Your host will continuously offer you food, a drink, or even a snack until you say yes. And when you say no, they will keep pestering you until you agree. If you do not agree to something, they will most likely get you something anyways! The fact is that eating disorders are not as common...

If you have ever struggled with a health issue (or any other issue for that matter), you probably know that it is very hard to admit that you have a problem. I mean, no one wants to look 'weak' or 'powerless' in front of others. So, it is simply easier to deny that there is anything wrong. However, this backfires when you fall deeper and deeper into the problem, as it soon becomes harder to get help or to get better. Anorexics usually struggle with this. I did too. It is very hard to see that you have a problem. Now that I am better, I can reflect back on my experiences and see just how sick I was. But deep into ED, I could not see that I was dying. I mean, I knew I had a problem...but it did not seem as serious as everyone said it was. There is actually research that anorexics do not see themselves the same way that others do. The visual cortex is anorexics seems to be less active when looking at themselves versus when they look at others. I encourage you to visit ...

I realize that you are probably staring at this title, mouth wide open, wondering how on earth I could write such a thing. How can feeling pain in your stomach possibly be enjoyable? Just stay with me...I'll explain. Endorphins are neurotransmitters - chemicals produced by thy hypothalamus and pituitary gland during exercise, excitement, pain, and more. They mimic opiates in that they have an analgesic effect. That is, they promote a feeling of 'goodness' or 'well-being'. When you go through a painful thing (ex. a cut), endorphins are released in order to prevent pain signals from being transmitted. So, you may feel a sense of 'power' that helps you get through the pain. So, why am I telling you about endorphins? Well, studies on anorexia have actually discovered that endorphins are released when not enough calories are being consumed. The body does this because it wants to protect itself - if your body is starving, it does not want you to die. So, the b...

If you are anything like me, you know the value of a good night's sleep. After a long and tiring (and not to mention busy!) day, all you need is to put your head on a comfortable pillow, close your eyes, and let the night pass in peace. Hopefully, you awake the next morning and realize that you have slept well and are now refreshed, ready to meet the day's challenges. But what happens when you DO NOT sleep? Well, obviously, you get tired. You feel lazy and grumpy and you simply do not want to do anything. You get headaches. And you are frusrated because you just spent seven or eight hours laying on your bed, trying to sleep. The worst feeling is being up all alone at night when you know that everyone else is sound asleep. ED robs his victims of sleep - simply because he likes to take away all happy moments from our lives. ED made me stay awake for every waking moment of the day. I could not sleep at night because ED made me starve all day, so the hunger pains in my stomach ...

If you discover that your child has ED, it can be really scary. You might be confused as to WHY your child is ill, why they are acting this way, and why they just can't eat! If your friend has ED, you may want to do anything to help, but you are confused as to what you can actually do. Having anorexia has made me somewhat more aware of the things that helped, and those which did not help me while I was sick. I hope this can help you as well! WHAT NOT TO DO/SAY -"You look really thin. You need to eat something" (victim gets defensive and feels offended that you are telling them to eat) -"WHY CAN"T YOU JUST EAT?!" (Okay, this one drove me crazy. I can't 'just eat' because I have an illness that forbids me from eating. Why can't cancer patients just kill their cancer cells? Point proven). -"Do you have cancer or something?" (In a sense, ED is kind of like cancer. Hearing this made me feel like the other person was mocking me - i...

Do you remember what I said yesterday about depression being a co-morbid condition with anorexia? Well, anxiety is the same. Anxiety is not your everyday worry...it is much more. People with anxiety disorder get extremely nervous and worked up over what appears to be trivial things to others. They have real panic attacks, such as hyperventilating, sweating, heart palpitations, etc. But, in some cases, anxiety can manifest itself through other symptoms, such as simply being really worried about something. I had extreme anxiety around food and weight. ED made me look at food and instantly begin to panic. Look at all that food! You are going to get fat. Imagine that food, sitting inside your gut, making you expand minute by minute. Making you look fat. Adding weight to your body. You must find a way not to eat. Whatever you do, whatever it takes, DO NOT EAT THE FOOD. ED made me really anxious! I would look at the food and become afraid. I'd think of my weight and body and freak ou...

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel so down? You know what I'm talking about. That day when you feel tired - of working, of studying, of dealing with problems...of life in general. Most people would say that they feel 'depressed' that day. But, is it REALLY depression? The simple answer is no, it is not clinical depression. Yes, you may feel terrible and bored and angry, but this feeling will usually go away by the end of the day or after doing something fun. But clinical depression is so much more than that. It is characterized by feeling down, sad, moody, tired, not energetic, etc. for a long period of time - the diagnostic criteria is usually around 6 months. When you are depressed, it is very hard to get your mood up. It seems as though nothing will make you feel better. Depression is a co-morbid condition with anorexia or eating disorders. This means that when a patient suffers from ED, he/she is likely to also suffer from depression. Researchers are ...

You're probably staring at this title and thinking, 'OBVIOUSLY recovery means that you are not a little twig anymore'. Well, in one way, you are right. Being recovered means that I will no longer look like the skeleton I looked like in April 2012. It means that I will begin to have a normal body - one suitable for my age, height, gender, etc. It means that my body will be healthy. But recovery is so much more than just the physical changes. Mentally, recovery means that I will be able to eat food without feeling guilty after every meal or snack. It means that my appetite will return, and that I will actually enjoy eating - just like everyone else does. Recovery entails blocking ED's voice out, especially when he tells me that I am fat or lazy for eating. Or when he tells me that I should feel terrible for nourishing my body. Emotionally, recovery means that I will feel better - happier, safer, and more at peace. I will not feel as if the world is judging me based on...

Recovering from ED takes a lot more work than you'd think. If the patient is underweight, the obvious thing is to get them to a healthy weight. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. It would be easy if we were talking about someone without ED. However, victims with ED are absolutely terrified of food. So, getting them to eat is a challemge. And, if you are lucky enough to get them to eat, you have to persuade them to eat enough. Then, you have to help them finish all their food. Before I eat, I am anxious because I know that I am about to put food into my mouth. ED is screaming, telling me not to touch the food. To make up an excuse not to eat. To only take a little bite, and no more. To look at the food and see myself getting fat because of it. While I'm eating, I try to distract myself. I try not to focus on the food. I mean, it tastes good and all, but I have ED telling me that I am weak. Powerless. Fiflthy for consuming food. Lazy and useless for giving in to my body's deman...

No one likes to be alone for a long time. You start to feel lonely, and you long for someone - anyone - to break the silence that you are living in. You want to speak to someone, to stay with someone, to feel connected and loved. This is a basic human need - we all want to be surrounded by people sometimes. ED takes this away from his victims. Deep into ED, I wanted to completely isolate myself. Any gatherings or outings probably included food, so I had to avoid them. I did not want to go there and be the only one not eating, and then have to explain (or lie!) that I had already eaten before, was not hungry, etc. Get-togethers also meant that I would see other people - people who were (as ED put it) prettier, smarter, thinner, and more-loved and important than I was. So, why would I go to such things that would only increase my anxiety and worry? Simple. I would not go. I would isolate myself. In truth, I was not COMPLETELY isolated. I had ED with me the entire time. When no one wa...

Have you ever taken a few moments in your day to stop and reflect on WHY you are here. What is your purpose on this Earth? What plan does God have for you? I was always a curious child, so questions were constantly filling my head. Now, in walked ED. And that put even MORE questions about my existence in my head. Why did I get ED? Why me, of all people? What is God's plan for me? Doesn't He know that I am suffering because of anorexia? What good can come from this? Why can't He take away all my suffering and free me from this misery? In short, WHY AM I HERE?! Being a victim of ED has brought me down to my lowest points in life. I have endured innumerable days of starvation, hardly eating anything and feeling the rumbles and groans in my stomach. I have felt my stomach being empty - void of any nourishment or food. I have seen my clothes slipping off me, elastics and belts doing nothing to keep pants up. I have felt others being reluctant to hug me out of fear that they ...

Do you ever find your mind rushing to the future, or spinning back to the past? You know the feeling - you are sitting in front of loads of work that needs to get done, but all you can do right now is think OUTSIDE of the present moment. It takes a lot to rewire yourself back to here and now. I struggle with this a lot. I find myself searching through my past, desperately trying to find a reason for my ED. I can pinpoint numerous events that may have triggered it, but I cannot find THE ONE THING that made me develop anorexia. I recall the horror that I faced in the ICU, and I think: God, why me? Why did I have to go through this? I just wish I knew the answer. Now, I'm also struggling with thinking far into the future. I think about what my weight will be next week, what my grades will be next year, and what my future will look like in ten years. I have great difficulty staying in the moment because my mind just wants to know what is coming up next. Humans like predictability -...

Vulnerable. I hate that word. It makes me feel weak, powerless, and alone. It makes me feel that I am a failure and a disappointment to people around me. To be vulnerable means to show your weakness to others and to be exposed in front of them – at least, that is what it means to me. I have always been the type of girl who likes to appear strong in front of others. I do my best to smile all the time, to look composed and ‘put together’. I get embarrassed when I make mistakes, although I try my best to see the bright side of things. Now, say hello to ED. He is great at making me feel inferior to everyone around me. When ED came along, I felt that my vulnerability increased. When people knew that I was sick, I was so worried that everyone would start to treat me differently. I was afraid that people would look at me and comment on my eating habits or body shape, or simply the way I looked. Having this illness made me feel weak; I was scared that others would see me this was as...

You have probably heard of the 'stages of change' used for addictions like substance use or alcoholics. There are five 'steps', each of which is characterized by certain criteria or ways of thinking and acting. The first is 'pre-contemplation', where the person does not see that there is a problem or need for change. The second is 'contemplation' - realizing that there is a problem but the person is not yet prepared to make changes. The third stage is 'preparation', where the individual is preparing to make steps to getting better. The fourth step is 'action' - the person starts taking real steps (that can be seen) to recover. The final stage is 'maintenance', where the individual has made great progress and is trying to keep it going. The interesting thing about these stages is that they are not linear - a person may start at the second or third stage, or they may reach the final stage and find themselves starting back at one a...

Even if you do not have ED, you might find yourself falling into the traps of white and black thinking. This type of assumption means that things are one way or another - that you cannot have two things that are different happening at one time. There is no medium; no balance or moderation. For example, today may be the worst or best day of your life - it probably is never just a 'neutral' day. You may really like a food, or you hate it. You are rarely indifferent to a meal. I suffer from this type of thinking. I admit, I often fall into it's trap. ED takes advantage of this. For example, I am either very thin or very fat. I do not believe that I can ever be 'just in between' or at a healthy weight. I am either pretty or ugly  - I cannot be 'medium'. And of course, in my head, ED will tell me that I am fat and ugly. He does not even inform me of the other end of the spectrum - the positive parts. He likes to remind me that I am always on the terrible end of...

ED is the master of twisting things around. He can take anything and somehow make it seem horrible or negative. He is particularly skilled at doing this with compliments that I hear from others. When someone tells me that I 'look healthier' or 'all better', ED immediately tells me that this person is alluding to the fact that I gained weight. He/she is saying that you have gained so much weight and that it is obvious. They are telling you that you are fat. And they are right. You are nothing short of huge, ugly, and a failure. You can see how this is problematic. Here I am, getting great compliments from people who mean well. All they want to tell me is that I am getting better and that they are proud of me. They are happy to see me healthy and they want to share this with me. But ED does not let me feel the joy I should be feeling when others praise my efforts. Instead, ED twists around compliments to make me feel useless and unattractive. It really sucks. I me...

The title might make you think twice - why is 'fear' and 'food' put into the same sentence? I mean, isn't food just lovely? Why would any normal person FEAR food? It is just food. You make it, you buy it, you eat it. And that's it. Nothing to it. Well, welcome to the world of ED, where food - usually certain kinds - are scary. I admit, when I first came into treatment, EVERYTHING was scary. An apple was poison. Vegetables were dangerous. Now, imagine what I did with desserts like cheesecake or chocolate?! I was panicking. I honestly thought that I would not survive to the next meal. It was frightening to be faced with desserts and to be expected to eat all of it. It is so unfortunate how ED messes up with people's heads like this. Delicious desserts that are meant to be savoured and enjoyed become the enemy, the worst piece of food that can be placed in front of you. Eating no longer becomes pleasurable; it is a chore and punishment. Eating desserts st...

Okay, this might sound disgusting...but bear with me. A starved anorexic is...well, a starved person. The body has the ability to compensate for this lack of food by lowering the metabolism. This is why I used to be so cold all the time - instead of wasting energy on keeping me warm, my body decided to use that valuable energy to keep my brain, heart, and organs alive. Hence, my metabolism slowed down. A LOT. This is why I can a little bit of food and gain weight easily - my body is scared that a period of famine will come again, so it wants to store all it can just in case it happens. Now, into my third week of refeeding, my body is revving up again. This means that although I am gaining weight, my body is anticipating that food is coming, so it can keep me warm. This sounds great, right? Well...it IS good news. But the annoying and uncomfortable part of this is that I get sweaty at night. I mean, REALLY sweaty. My body is getting warmer, so it produces sweat (like normal human be...

A big problem with me is that I hate disappointing others. I hate feeling that I have let people down. It makes me feel like a failure and it hurts me. I begin to hate myself because I feel that I am no good; that I can accomplish nothing; that I have no purpose or use in life. I'm writing this post to apologize to anyone that I have ever hurt - whether in the past few years or in the past few days. I'm sorry to my parents who have always loved me and have endured the hardships of my eating disorder. I am sorry to my sister who has been nothing but strong throughout this entire journey. I am sorry to my friends whom I neglected because I was too sick. I am sorry to my Church for not being a better servant. I am sorry to anyone I have intentionally or unintentionally hurt. Right now, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I talked to my family today about leaving treatment. I feel trapped in this unit - not being able to go outside the 4 walls I'm con...

I did not sleep well last night. Actually, I hardly slept at all. I was awake, laying on my bed. Thoughts rushing through my head, heart beating fast, sweat trickling down my back...I was anxious, sad, frustrated, and full of remorse. I'm not feeling well this morning either. I guess it's pretty obvious when I'm not well - the nurses and other patients keep on asking me what is wrong. And all I can do is give a forceful smile and say that I'm alright; that I'm just tired. And the truth is, I AM tired. In no way do I intend to make this post a 'pity' post, but I find that writing about what I'm going through is helpful. If you feel that you no longer wish to continue reading, then please stop here. But perhaps you may find something that you can identify with, or perhaps even share in my pain. I'm frustrated that my weight continues to climb high, with pounds and pounds being added to my body. I'm angry and uncomfortable that my clothes are ...

I'm starting to become paranoid of the way I look. And it really sucks. I'm aware of the fact that I am gaining weight. I feel my clothes getting tighter, and I feel my body changing. I hate it. As the number on the scale goes up, I feel more and more anxious. I hate the fact that my body is getting larger. My treatment team likes to remind me that I'm not getting fat; that I'm getting healthier. That my organs are becoming their normal size; that everything will slowly start to recover from the starvation. But inside, it feels terrible. I'm starting to see myself in the mirror and I'm not liking it. I'm feeling the food in my stomach and I feel uncomfortable. I'm not seeing the bones stick out or the tiny arms and it scares me. It makes me feel that I'm expanding...that soon enough, I'll be overweight all over again. This is what body image is all about: how you see yourself. ED messes up with body image....he tells me that I'm no good...

This is possibly the hallmark of eating disorders: ambivalence. Wanting to stay in program because I need to get better. But at the same time, seeing and feeling how hard this is and wanting to leave treatment. Deep down inside, I know that I need to stay here. I see how much this program is doing for me, and I feel that I may just get better. But I also miss my home. I miss my school and my friends. I miss everything about life that has been taken away from me. It is so easy to leave - after all, it is a voluntary program. It would be ever so simple to sign myself out and go back to normal life. To be honest, I often wish I could do this. Well, the truth is, I CAN do this. But something, somewhere, someone, somehow...there is that 'tug' that is keeping me here. Perhaps it is because I believe that I should have a life worth living. Maybe it is simply because I do not want to be miserable all my life. I promise myself that if I leave treatment, I will continue to do well ...

Here's a strange fact for you: eating disorders numb you out. Totally. I mean, you begin to stop feeling emotions. All your time and focus and energy goes into the eating disorder, so that you no longer have ANY feelings except anxiety and fear around food and weight gain. Research has shown that anorexics  lose most of their 'emotions' - love, happiness, anger, etc. And then once you start eating, everything floods back into your life. I'm in my third week of treatment, and I'm experiencing MAJOR emotions that I have not felt in a long time. And it's scary - one minute you feel happy, and then you realize that you have not felt this emotion for a while. It is so different from what I am used to. Deep into my starvation, I blocked out all feelings. I never felt happy; I simply put on a smiling face for the world to see. I never even felt angry; I always felt alone and sad. Now, I find myself getting angry about things and it is new to me. No one likes to be ...

Someone on my blog commented, asking me what my field of education is. I'm proud to say that I am a nursing student. ....Now, here comes the awkward silence. Everyone looks at me with mouths wide open. How can I, someone suffering with an eating disorder, be a nurse? Shouldn't I KNOW that anorexia is dangerous, that starving myself is wrong, and that this will make me unhealthy? If I'm a nursing student, should that not protect me from becoming ill with ED? The truth of the matter is...no. ED does not discriminate. He creeps into one's life, threatening to take away everything. He blinded me, making me believe that he knew what was best for me. That once I listened to his every command, I'd be granted a life of happiness and peace. He was lying. And I let him lie away, taking bits and pieces out of my life as time went on. ED took away everything from me - my body, my school, my relationships, and my happiness. If it were not for the grace of God, ED would hav...

It's coming close to being the two-week mark ever since I began treatment for my anorexia. And let me just say, it's been really tough. I've endured countless tummy aches, no sleep, cramps, reflux, and more. I've participated in group discussions where I've bawled my eyes out over my journey with ED. I've shared personal information about myself that I would normally not like to talk about. I've slept in a bed that is not mine; I've used bathrooms that are not my own. I've challenged myself eating foods that I do not like or am actually fearful of. In a nutshell, it really has not been my cup of tea (pun intended!). I realize that this sounds like a post that is simply about complaining. But be patient with me, there is so much more. Although it's been a hard fight, I know that I would not be here today if it were not for my loving parents. My mom and dad have supported me ever since they realized that I had ED. They were by my side everyday wh...

Okay, we all have to admit it: each of us has some little thing that we get picky about. You know that thing that HAS to be done a certain way, or else it simply does not feel right? Or what about that homework assignment that you have to look through about fifty times before submitting it? I think it's pretty safe to say most of us can get perfectionistic about a few things in our lives. But, it is usually healthy perfection: the type that motivates you to work and to get things done. The problem is when perfectionism becomes unhealthy. I'll be the first to admit that I can be a bit of a perfectionist. I like to have a neat room, tidy spaces, and organized things. I finish my assignments on time, and I'm never late for appointments. So, this is healthy perfection. It encourages me to keep things clean (but not obsessively), and it helps me excel in my school work. But, I have a side of perfection that is dangerous... Say hello to ED. He is the KING of perfectionism. Wh...

'I'm full'. I think I've said this phrase more than a gazillion times since I got into treatment. And it's not because I'm trying to be annoying or drive the staff crazy. It's because it is the truth: I'm stuffed by the end of every meal and snack. My first week here landed with the 'base' meal plan - the smallest amount of food that the hospital would give ED patients. This week, however (and even though I gained five pounds), they decided to give me even MORE food. So, now I'm on three meals and two snacks...and the meals are BIG. Lunch, for example, is not simply a sandwich. It's a sandwich and a dessert (and a generous portion of both, may I add). Dinner is a starch, a veggie, and a protein, plus a dessert. Breakfast can be a combination of things, just like snacks can be. But, regardless of what meal or snack it is, it is A LOT of food. By the middle of each meal, my stomach begins to tell me that I'm full. Try as I might, th...