Health is Wealth

I am privileged and blessed to say that one of my blog posts was chosen to be featured on the National Eating Disorder Information Centre of Canada's website (NEDIC). This is amazing - I will be a contributor to this blog on a regular basis (it's updated every 1-2 months, so still come here for my blogs!).Please go to  http://www.nedic.ca/blog/  to see it! NEDIC is an amazing resource for information about eating disorders. They really advocate for people with ED, and they do not favour just one way of treatment. Any way of getting better is good - and NEDIC supports people with ED. I have gained a lot of information from their website. I can't believe that my writing is being featured online, in an organization that is known worldwide for its influences and advocacy for eating disorders. Having my blog pieces on NEDIC means that I am recognized, worldwide, as a writer. WOW. It is amazing to think that in April, I was dying in the hospital because of ED, thinking that I...

I recently came upon an image that I quite liked. Basically, it said "HOPE. Hold On, Pain Ends". Wow. Whoever came up with this is a genius. How many times have you felt hopeless? You know...that feelings that nothing is going right, that the world is such a hard place to be in, that your life keeps throwing obstacles at you, and that you just want to SCREAM?! I think I'm the queen of hopelessness. I've had my share of days that seemed like life was ending. That nothing would ever get better. I remember the days in the hospital when I would ask the doctors when I would be out of there - and they would look at me and stare - we all knew that I did not have a good chance of even getting out alive. I recall the days in the ICU, when I had the breathing tube and dialysis. I would open my eyes for a few seconds and see darkness all around me - and then I'd feel the soft touch of my mom, dad, or sister next to me. And the next thing I knew, I was out again (the me...

Many people have asked me about how ED took over. They wonder how I let myself slip down to such a low weight without realizing it. Did I realize it? Did I not see that I was dying and losing weight so quickly? When did I realize that it was ED and not just losing weight for a healthy reason? And they are all great questions...I hope I can answer them to the best of my ability. Did I realize that I was losing weight? OF COURSE! I started off trying to lose weight because people teased me for being larger than they were. So, I came up with a great solution: decrease food intake = lose weight. And that is what I did. Eat less, lose weight, see number on scale go down, feel good, repeat. But then days came where I would just stop losing weight - the body does this because it adjusts itself to the amount of food it is getting. Eventually, my metabolism slowed down to keep my body where it was because it didn't want me to lose anymore. So, I had to come up with a solution. Yes, yo...

Yesterday was a really busy day. I had classes all day, with no breaks in between. It was hectic. I was studying my notes for a test, listening to a lecture, and practicing my nursing skills. Once I got home, I had to type an assignment, watch tutorial videos, and print my next lectures. By eight o'clock at night, I was exhausted. I felt so tired, but I had so much work left to do. I took a peek into my family room and saw my parents sitting, watching a movie. And I really wanted to go sit with them...just to breathe and have some fun. It was so frustrating - should I go have fun? NO! I couldn't go...I had way too much work to do. But I was SO tired...didn't I deserve a little break? My mom soon came into the room and told me that I had been studying for too long, and that it was time for a break. I had been working all day long - the least I could do now was to have some fun. My perfectionism started to kick in. I couldn't just stop working now - I had so much left...

I was sitting in my class and listening to my lecture. And I looked at the time because I was just so bored and couldn't wait to finish. Lo and behold, it was time to whip out my lunch and eat. Then ED started blabbing. You don't feel hungry now. Why would you eat when you are not hungry?! That would make you a pig. And then you'd gain even more weight! Besides, most people around you skip lunch. Don't eat - who will ever know? AH!!! In one way, he's right - no one would ever know. No one notices whether you've eaten at school or not. So technically, I could just not eat. Skip lunch or my snack. I did it for many years...why shouldn't I do it now? But I'm different now. I know that when I don't eat, I give in to ED. I give him a chance to come back into my life and ruin it. And I've felt the benefits of eating - my stomach doesn't growl with hunger pains, my legs aren't weak anymore, and my personality is coming back. As much as ED hate...

Today I had a really hectic day. I had no time to go to the bathroom because I had one class after another. It was crazy. I felt so stressed because of all the work that I had to do. The good news is that I ate all my meals and snacks, even though I was so busy. I kept watch over the time and I made sure that I did not miss anything. So, kudos to me. The bad news is that I feel really 'icky'. Simply put, I feel disgusted of myself. I feel that I am such a pig, stuffing myself with food as I work on my assignments. I feel so 'fat' as I am walking to class and munching on my chocolate bar - no, not my snack - my dessert after a meal. It makes me feel so 'weird' when the person nexts to me says that they are 'starving' and then pull out a salad to eat. ARE YOU KIDDING?! A salad? I mean, that is great that they want to be healthy and all. But it is ever so hard to see people hardly eating, and then eating so much food. ED hates it. Look how much you ar...

Do you ever have that feeling that people are staring at you? Not in the 'oh I'm so great and people can't stop looking at me' way, but more like 'do I have something on my face?' type of thing. This feeling is really eerie. I become so self-conscience when this happens because it makes me feel that I look weird to others - and this is why they must be staring at me. The interesting thing is that people might not even be staring at me! They could be lost somewhere in thought and just looking around, they could be bored an daydreaming, or they might be looking at something behind me. But ED tells me that this isn't true - that others are looking at me because I look fat or ugly. You stupid girl! People are looking at you and wondering how you managed to get so fat in so short of a time! They are realizing how much weight you gained. It is so obvious. How hideous you look to them! And it goes on and on. It is so painful to hear these words because they make me...

Something that I've noticed during my recovery is that everyone eats. And they enjoy eating, too. I know - it sounds obvious, right? Well, when I was deep into ED, I didn't realize how important it was that I eat. I mean - I knew that everyone ELSE has to eat, but of course, ED told me that I was that one special person who could survive without food. Everyone is weak. They need food to do their work. But now you. No, you do not need to eat. Look how strong you are! Look how you are able to function without food! So why would you eat?! And for the most part, I'm sad to admit that ED was right - I was able to function. I woke up, did my school work, went to school, and got As on everything. I studied, I read, and I passed all of my courses. So, it sure felt that I could function without food. But what I neglected what the fact that I was not actually functioning. Sure, I was getting great marks in school. But I lost my personality, my smile, and my sense of humour. I...

Have you ever thought about the act of smiling? It sounds silly, right? Why would we THINK about smiling - we just 'smile' and that's that. But why do you smile? Is it because you are happy? Or because something is funny? Smiling is such a great thing. I'm sure you've heard that smiling actually uses less muscles than frowning. There is a lot of research on emotions and facial expressions. One study showed that when we smile, we tighten some facial muscles. This, in turn, reduces some blood flow to a sinus, which means that cooler blood reaches the brain. Apparently, cooling of the blood to the brain provides us with pleasant feelings (I'm NOT telling you to purposely make your blood cold to feel good - it only happens if it is natural!) - see http://www.nytimes.com/1989/07/18/science/a-feel-good-theory-a-smile-affects-mood.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm  for details. Another study found that laughing actually decreases stress hormonse such as cortisol (whic...

I've just started school, and already I'm flustered with the amout of work that I have. Well, there's nursing for you. I'm flipping pages back and forth, taking notes on a book, listening to a module, trying to learn how to insert an NG tube into a patient...what am I forgetting? Oh yes, time for myself. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily hassles of life. Especially for me - someone who loves to study and enjoys it. And it is great that I love learning, because you really need that if you are in nursing. But it becomes a problem when all you can do is think about school, your homework, the patients you need to care for, and what time you need to be at school. This is something that I have struggled with all my life, but since ED came along, I have realized tbat I tend to get worried about my work more than I should be. I'm not quite sure what the connection is, but I believe that this is ED's way of making me feel the pressures to be 'perfect...

I saw so many of my peers and classmates at school today. It was great to be back at school. Everyone was waving to others, smiling around, and talking about their summer vacations. And then it hit me: I really had nothing to talk about in terms of my summer. Everyone - or most people - who know me know that I was ill with ED last summer. So imagine the awkward moment when I've asked them about their summer, and they respond with a huge statement of how it was awesome, how they did so much, etc. And then - as if on cue - they ask, 'and what about you?!' And just as I am about to open my mouth to remind them of what I did this summer, they say, 'oh. right. I'm sorry. But I'm glad you are better!'. And then I smile and say 'thank you', they smile, and the conversation is over. AWKWARD. I mean, it is really nice of them to be glad that I am better...but I can just see it in their eyes. Or at least, ED doesn. They must be thinking that you had su...

Today I went to school - my first day back. I was heading towards the office for my program, where I was to speak with my academic advisor. When I arrived there, I saw one of my friends who knows about my anorexia. She was standing with one of her freinds who I did not know. After she asked me how I was doing, I continued on my way. As I left, I overheard her friend saying, 'BUT SHE DOESN'T LOOK ANOEXIC!'. Ouch. Like, really really REALLY ouch. This threw me off. I did what I needed to do, and then I got home. The entire time, the person's words echoed in my head: she doesn't look anorexic... What did this person mean? That I didn't look 'thin enough' or 'sick enough' to have anorexia? That I looked fat and could possibly have had an eating disorder? That to have this illness, I have to look emaciated and deathly? ED, of course, took this to heart. And he made me think about it over and over again. They said you don't look like you ...

I've noticed that I have a slight tendancy to fret over what might not seem like a big deal to others. For example, before school has begun, I'm already scared that I won't be getting high marks or good grades. I'm becoming conscience of the weight gain and  so I am feeling frightened that it will show to others. I get worried if I arrive five minutes to class because I might have missed something important. I watch the weather with digilence because I want to make sure that I will get to school on time for my classes. I was reading a few pages from a book a while ago. It is called "Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff", by Richard Carlson. I urge you to pick this book up and read it - even if it is just a few pages. Basically, the author talks about how we often worry about things in life when really, it is not that big of a deal. Richard Carlson is really skilled in that he picks relevant topics and explains how in the grand schem...

Today was really rainy where I live. I woke up to cloudy weather, which soon evolved into heavy downpours. I looked out the window and saw that there was not even a hint of sunlight. And it made me feel really tied and sad. I don't suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD - which is when you feel clinically depressed during certain seasons), but the weather has a huge impact on my mood. I mean, imagine a very sunny day - the light shining into your room and making you feel warm and awake. Now picture a day like today - rainy, cloudy, and wet. Is it any wonder why rainy days are boring?! ED takes advantage of the fact that the rain makes me sad and gloomy. He tells me that it is going to be a bad day, filled with lots of terrible things. And to ED, having a bad day is the perfect excuse to restrict. It's rainy. There is no sun, no happiness outside. You should not eat. In fact, since you can't do much because of the rain, you should just mope the entire day and sta...

I was really lucky in that I received treatment for ED in Canada - where I am covered under OHIP for hospital stays. So, in my days in treatment, I did not have to pay for anything. Other people around the world are not so lucky. In some countries (for example, the UK and the US), there is no healthcare like there is in Canada. Thus, people with eating disorders who choose to go into treatment must pay for it - or use their insurance. The problem is that most insurance companies refuse to cover anorexia nervosa treatment. If you go to  http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500265_162-2059820.html and  http://thinkprogress.org/health/2012/03/06/436763/will-health-reform-provide-coverage-for-eating-disorders/  you'll read about some people's struggles with their insurance companies. What really caught my attention is that some insurance policies do not cover ED treatment because they believe that ED 'is a choice'. You can see why this is unfair and totally incorrect. NO ONE CH...

Schol starts in four days, and I'm feeling mixed emotions about this. I mean, the great thing is that I will be back at my university, studying what I love best - nursing. The workload is heavy and tough, but I love learning about my future career. I love seeing my friends and having a good laugh. I enjoy practicing my skills on dummies (it actually is pretty fun...!). So, what could be wrong with this? Well, the first thing is obvious - the heavy workload. I love nursing, so I am always on time with my work. But part of me is staring at my schedule and wondering how on earth I am supposed to have a life when I'm always at school. Balance, I guess, is key. The problem is that once school starts, I get into full-nerd mode. I study like crazy. Last year, I did this at the expense of my health. But this year, I have to be vigilant not to let ED take control again. Oh, look at that! It is ten minutes past when you should be eating lunch. Oh well. I guess you'll just have ...

If you read my last post on Disney's characters and their 'new look', you already know just how bad this can be for anyone - at any age. These characters are supposed to be fun - they are not meant to be tall and thin. These images of Disney characters wearing designer clothes are feeding into the stereotype that we need to be tall and very thin in order to wear brand name clothing. I urge you to sign your name below in the comments section (along with any message you may have for Disney - but please be appropriate!). I'm hoping to get as many signatures as possible, so tell anyone you know to come here and sign! I'll send this to the company after. If we make a difference and get the pictures pulled off, great. If we don't and Disney still goes through with it, we will know that we have certainly tried to raise awareness. I'll start with my name. Please sign and tell others! _______________________________________________________________________________...

ED is obsessed with numbers. Weight. Clothes sizes. Portions. Calories. Numbers, numbers...and more numbers. He'll tell me that I weigh too much, am eating too much, and have had too many calories for the day. You weak girl. How could you consume so much food in ONE day? You do not need all of that. What will the scale say? Why did you not eat less food? You must eat less today. Put smaller portions. You want - no, you NEED - the scale to show lower numbers. You need to wear smaller clothes. NUMBERS RULE YOUR LIFE. You are worthless if you cannot maintain a low weight, wear tiny clothes, and eat little amounts of food. And so, I am left feeling controlled by numbers. ED makes me feel trapped in the world of adding up what I ate, seeing how much weight I have gained, and comparing the labels of my clothing sizes. And ED takes advantage of the fact that I am pretty skilled at math....so numbers and counting comes easy to me. He'll take over my thoughts all day and all night, ...