The ‘Fat Feeling’
Yesterday was my first day in the inpatient eating
disorders program. The first group I attended was the diabolical behavior
therapy (DBT) group. Yesterday’s topic was learning how to identify, express,
and tolerate our emotions.
With ED comes the expression, “I feel fat”. But wait…is
fat really a feeling? Is it an emotion like happiness or sadness? The truth is
that when we say that we feel fat, we are actually using this phrase to express
other emotions we are experiencing.
In my case, ‘feeling fat’ means that I am physically very
full. I am bloated. My stomach is loaded with food and I feel so disgusted at
myself for having eaten all that food. Mentally, it means I am struggling
because I know that I will gain weight. Emotionally, it means fear because I do
not want to become larger and be made fun of for my weight and shape. It means
feeling regret and guilt that I ate all that food; that I will be overweight
once again.
Perhaps this is why I become so frustrated and angry with
people when they respond, ‘but you are NOT fat! You are so skinny!’. I get mad
because they simply don’t understand what I am saying. When I look into the
mirror, I do not see a fat girl. But I do see a girl who was once overweight
and had to work extremely hard to lose weight. I see a girl who is desperate
not to ever gain weight because she was previously made fun of for her body. I
see a soul who struggles everyday with these thoughts, fears, and misery. I see
a small body that has taken years to get to where it is now. I see the days
where I forbade myself from eating out of a desire to look thinner; to stop all
the teasing that I so often heard. I hear the rumbles of my stomach as I denied
it food, hoping to achieve the ‘thin look’. I see the sufferings of a girl who
has a constant voice in her head, telling her that she is going to get fat.
So, what is the solution? Well, perhaps for others,
simply knowing that by saying, ‘I feel fat’, I mean so much more than the
physical appearance. For me, it reminds me that I need to keep my emotions in
check. I need to focus on what I am really feeling (ex. Guilt, disgust,
bloating), and accept that right now, these emotions are normal. Recovery from
anorexia involves a bundle of emotions, often mixed up among each other. The
key, as I am trying to work on, is recognizing that it is OKAY to feel these
emotions. And that, with time, things will get better.
