Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Do I HAVE to eat?

Recovery is hard work. No matter how long you have been in recovery, you will sometimes find that it gets harder at some points and easier at others. Perhaps stress makes it harder to stick to recovery. Or maybe a busy day makes it hard for you to eat on time. Whatever the case, the point is that recovery has its easy and hard moments.

One of the hardest experiences I had in recovery was sticking to my plan after I got discharged. I told myself that I would stick to my meals, but as soon as I got out, I felt that I did not want to. It was hard to eat, especially since there was no one there to make me do it. In treatment, there were nurses and doctors there that ensured that you were eating. But at home, who could make me eat? Sure, my family was there. But they could not technically MAKE me do anything.

Eating on my own became easier when I realized how terrible ED had been. I looked back at my life and remembered all that ED did to me. He made me restrict and starve, and I nearly lost my life. He took away my happiness, my personality, my body, and my smile. Was this worth not eating? Would I again fall into his trap and not eat simply because ‘no one was there to make me do it’?

No. I was stronger than that. I AM stronger than ED. And so are you. Eating is definitely hard, especially at the beginning of recovery. It feels so foreign, so wrong, so…strange. But with practice, it becomes easier. The most helpful thing that I did was to become a robot. It sounds strange, but it worked. I ate not by hunger cues but by what the clock said. If it was time for a meal, that meant it was time to eat. Having something to do during meal times was helpful as well. I read books, wrote a journal entry, played a game, talked to my friends or family, or watched TV. Whatever took my mind off eating and helped me get through the meal, I did. And it worked. It was not easy, but it sure helped.

Now, eating is easier. Don’t get me wrong – it is still tough. But each time ED tries to tell me not to eat, I say, ‘NO! I HAVE TO EAT. Eating is what normal people do. I need to eat to live. My body and mind will thank me for it.’ Maybe I do not enjoy eating now, but one day, I know it will happen. Yes, there is no one there to make me eat – but I am there. My body, health, and well-being depend on it. I have taken responsibility for my health and I intend to treat myself well. I have seen that ED can kill and I know that that is not what I want for my future. I have a life to live and things to do. I will not let ED get in the way of my happiness.

And so I say, keep eating. I need to learn to ignore ED and to realize that although I might not WANT to eat, I HAV E to. One day, maybe I will actually enjoy doing it. But until then, eating must occur. I will not let ED win this battle ever again. I am stronger, wiser, and healthier. So when ED says ‘don’t eat’, sometimes you have to say, ‘actaully, ED, I think I WILL eat’.

21 comments:

  1. THIS KIND OF COMMITMENT TO YOUR RECOVERY AND CHALLENGING ED IS THE CHOICE YOU ARE MAKING AND IS THE BEST GURANTEE THAT WILL KEEP UP YOUR RECOVERY AND DEFEATING ED
    I BELIEVE PEOPLE STRUGGLING WITH ED HAVE HARD TIME ABSORB THIS FACT AND MAKE THEIR COMMITEMNT AS LONG AS THEY STILL UNDER THE INFLUENCE AND CONTROL OF ED ,IT IS VERY HARD FOR THEM TO MAKE THEIR FREE DECISON .NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE FREE ,YOU ARE MAKING WISE RATIONAL DECISON
    KEEP UP
    HOPELFULLY ALL ED WILL LEARN HOW TO MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICES AND NOT ED CHOOSES FOR THEM

    Kelly W
    Therapist ,TO

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  2. My prayers and good wishes to all ED victims and their families.
    I wish them all ED victims all the best .
    Hopefully miracles happens and shine the light in their hearts and minds.
    May God bless you all and keep you in peace .
    Thanks Marina for the message of hope and comfort ,support and encouragement that you send through your blog

    Sunday Priest

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  3. You go girl! I'm loving your optimism!

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  4. Hi Marina
    Thank you so much for replying to my question in this blog.
    While I was hopeful after reading your blog and I felt my feeling shared by a dear friend and my HERO and LEADER but the other message left without a name disgranted me and it did hurt my feeling.
    I learnt from my team and from you and I am working on my recovery and I want to clean all my body from this ED.
    I made a commitement to my self as you did and I will not let ED control my life again.
    I started to feel the freedom and I am willing to pay the cost of my freedom.
    All thanks to you Marina
    My Hero
    My leader
    Thank you
    Anne

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    Replies
    1. I chose recovery. It was a conscious decision, and not an easy one. That’s the common denominator among people I know who have recovered: they chose recovery, and they worked like hell for it, and they didn’t give up. Recovery isn’t easy, at first. It takes time. It takes more work, sometimes, than you think you’re willing to do. But it is worth every hard day, every tear, every terrified moment. It’s worth it, because the trade-off is this: you let go of your eating disorder, and you get back your life.

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    2. I am new to your blog.I was told by doctors and my family that I have ED but I do not believe this .
      I am fine and well and I do not know why they say I have this.
      I like the way you and Anne interacting together.I like how you are supporting Anne as if she is your sister.You must be a very good person that likes to help any body.You will a very good nurse.
      Do you mind if I be one of your reader and you treat me like Anne
      I mean you will be my guide and my Hero??

      Thanks upfront

      Nanaraj
      Grade 11

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    3. Welcone Nanaraj! I am sorry that you have ED; it is truly a terrible thing to have. But the good news is that you are here now and that you have decided to get help. It was hard for me to admit and believe that I had ED at first, but now I realize that admitting that I needed help was the best decision I made. Please read and post whenever you need anything; we are all here for one another. Let me know how I can help. God bless you. Stay strong!

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    4. Keep going Anne! Do not stop. You can do it. I know it is so hard, believe me I still struggle. But it helps to know that others are doing this with me; I am not alone. I am serious - whenever you do not feel like eating, remember that I am eating with you!

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    5. Thank you Marina for this very instant reply to my message.I do appreciate and I feel a kind of relief having you on my side.I beleiev your assistance and guide helped Anne and I am sure will help me as well.
      I will go through all your blog and I will read your contributions to NEDIC and FEAST.
      I do not like FEAST when they push my parents to feed me huge amounts of food .I will remeber when I eat that you and Anne and others are eating with me
      I am hopeful and you will guide me .
      Thanks agin

      Nanaraj

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  5. I like your description of ROBOT
    Yes ,why not ,as long as it is working.
    Actually ROBOT is very organized and never forgets.
    Good point Marina
    For now We will eat like ROBOT but tomorrow we will enjoy and love what we eat.
    Thanks Marina
    Jasmeet

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  6. Good description of how you feeling during recovery and how you are working to tackle and solve any problem and deal with any road bumps.
    I think many with ED can get good hints from your dairry.
    Keep your hope

    Jack

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  7. Glad to hear that you are stronger than your challeneger.
    Trust me if you are not so strong ,you would not have accomplished all this.

    Oswaldo

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  8. I like the way you handling the neagative thoughts of the disease and you have a strong plan on how to stay steady .
    Your point is clear no matter how the disease is trying to push ,I will resist and do only things I want ,
    You count on my support and good readers support and I trust they are many
    Cheers

    Yoganand

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  9. I like the way you address the problem first and the way you offer solution and tips and hints (nuggets).
    I understand this does not mean you have the problem yourself to address and offer solution but very helpful when you talk about yourself and give examples on your yourself.
    I have some sort of ED and so I hooked on your blog and am trying help myself.
    Thanks

    Larivierre

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  10. I was very sick 5 years ago and had no appetite and so my doctors advised me take food like taking medicine (better you said as ROBOT). and I did ,I kept takking my schedulled nutrition as my medications on time and supervised by my dietietan till I recovered and now I am enjoying my meals.
    Sooner you will enjoy your meals
    Always light at the end of the tunnel

    Gerald(Gerry)

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  11. Hi Marina
    I am really touched by this blog and the comments I read.I can assure you that things over time will get better and much easier and soon you will feel you are normal self as never had ED .
    Howver life is changing and sometimes you have tough day and this can affect us in some way or another and We may feel different but by no way close to what we used to feel before recovery and this is only temporary and in short time ,may be minute we feel like normal self again and this the benifit of recovery
    I like the way that you said about your plan and tips to help when We have this feeling or when this happen and you clearly not going to listen or acknoledge ED thoughts at all.
    Good girl
    You are really a hero
    I also very touched by Nanaraj comments and she/he is looking for help and guide

    Keep up guys.
    I love and support you all

    Recovered ED victim for 6 years

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  12. Keep up the wonderful job all of you guys.
    Marina is a great support and guide to all of you.
    May God bless Marina

    Sorina

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  13. Please keep this blog alive as it is one of the most respected and honest blog that people express their feeling and get out their ideas and their experience.
    Thanks Marina
    Keep up the good job.

    Mary
    Mississauga

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  14. Excellent venue for thoughts and venting.
    Very calming blog

    Clorado

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  15. Hello
    I am 17 years old man .I am normal in every thing .Only thing long ago one person commented that I am growing breast like women.
    I like my self and I feel normal but still uncomfortable about my breasts.
    I need your help ,on how to love my body.
    How can I respect ,love ,care my body .
    Even people who have something wrong ,still love and care for their body.
    I want to look at my self and love and respect my self for who I am I.
    Can you help me Marina as you are helping so many ,Anne ,Nanaraj and many others .

    Thanks
    I will use my name as Kapoor (not my real name )

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    Replies
    1. Welcome! I'm sorry you had to go through bullying like that. It's not fair. I don't know you, but I can tell you for sure that you do not have 'breasts'. Even if your chest is bigger than others, it is not okay for people to call you names or tease you. Loving your body is hard - I still struggle with it. What I can say is that remembering that I need my body to live and function helps me remember to take care of it. I need my body to walk, work and play. So that means that I need to eat, care for it, and I need to learn to love it. Try to look at your body and ignore what those people said. Try to see your body how it truly is - a gift from God. Your body is precious. And it is part of you. It is thus a sacred thing; it is not bad or ugly.

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