Do I HAVE to eat?
Recovery is hard work. No matter how long you have been in
recovery, you will sometimes find that it gets harder at some points and easier
at others. Perhaps stress makes it harder to stick to recovery. Or maybe a busy
day makes it hard for you to eat on time. Whatever the case, the point is that
recovery has its easy and hard moments.
One of the hardest experiences I had in recovery was
sticking to my plan after I got discharged. I told myself that I would stick to
my meals, but as soon as I got out, I felt that I did not want to. It was hard
to eat, especially since there was no one there to make me do it. In treatment,
there were nurses and doctors there that ensured that you were eating. But at
home, who could make me eat? Sure, my family was there. But they could not
technically MAKE me do anything.
Eating on my own became easier when I realized how terrible
ED had been. I looked back at my life and remembered all that ED did to me. He
made me restrict and starve, and I nearly lost my life. He took away my
happiness, my personality, my body, and my smile. Was this worth not eating?
Would I again fall into his trap and not eat simply because ‘no one was there
to make me do it’?
No. I was stronger than that. I AM stronger than ED. And so
are you. Eating is definitely hard, especially at the beginning of recovery. It
feels so foreign, so wrong, so…strange. But with practice, it becomes easier.
The most helpful thing that I did was to become a robot. It sounds strange, but
it worked. I ate not by hunger cues but by what the clock said. If it was time
for a meal, that meant it was time to eat. Having something to do during meal
times was helpful as well. I read books, wrote a journal entry, played a game,
talked to my friends or family, or watched TV. Whatever took my mind off eating
and helped me get through the meal, I did. And it worked. It was not easy, but
it sure helped.
Now, eating is easier. Don’t get me wrong – it is still
tough. But each time ED tries to tell me not to eat, I say, ‘NO! I HAVE TO EAT.
Eating is what normal people do. I need to eat to live. My body and mind will
thank me for it.’ Maybe I do not enjoy eating now, but one day, I know it will
happen. Yes, there is no one there to make me eat – but I am there. My body,
health, and well-being depend on it. I have taken responsibility for my health
and I intend to treat myself well. I have seen that ED can kill and I know that
that is not what I want for my future. I have a life to live and things to do.
I will not let ED get in the way of my happiness.
And so I say, keep eating. I need to learn to ignore ED and
to realize that although I might not WANT to eat, I HAV E to. One day, maybe I
will actually enjoy doing it. But until then, eating must occur. I will not let
ED win this battle ever again. I am stronger, wiser, and healthier. So when ED
says ‘don’t eat’, sometimes you have to say, ‘actaully, ED, I think I WILL eat’.
