I am the type of person who likes to be independent. If I can do it on my own, I will. I am organized and efficient, so getting things done is easy. But when it came to ED, I could not be so independent...
ED took away everything from me. My life, my health, my smile, my personality...it was all gone. I could not get help, even if I wanted to. There were many days when I would be in my bed, hearing my stomach rumble and grumble. Feeling the pain all over my body because I was so hungry - but could not eat. No matter how much I wanted to eat, I simply COULD NOT. My brain said that I should eat - even something small. What would a small apple do? Could I really gain too much weight if I ate a light lunch? Would one spoonful of rice make me fat?
Rationally, I knew that this was not possible. But ED was so strong - too powerful. He convinced me that anything I ate would be converted to fat. I remember crying on some nights because I knew that I was falling deeper and deeper into ED, but I could not stop. I could not make myself eat anything because I was too scared. Scared to eat, to gain weight, to become fat.
I could not admit (out loud) that I needed help. I did decide to see someone to listen to me and give me advice, but it was still difficult. Recovering is somewhat different - and the same in some ways.
Recovery means that I have decided to recover for myself. Not because I am scared of what others can do to me, not because I want to be a hero...but because I want to LIVE. I want to get rid of ED and live the life that I lost for so many years. This sounds fine and lovely, but it is a real challenge.
The first step was admitting that I had a problem. YES. I have anorexia nervosa. I am not ashamed of it. But at the same time, I realize that recovery takes a lot of work. And I cannot do it all on my own. I am the only person who can feed myself and make myself eat. I am the only one who can choose to eat or not to eat. I am the only one who can decide to ignore ED and choose recovery.
But I can't do this without support. I DO need help. I need the love and support from my family. I need the care of my community. I need the encouragment from my friends and readers of my blog. I need the strength from my God. I need the hope that things get better. I need the faith that recovery is possible.
We all need help sometimes. It is often hard for us to admit that we need it - whatever you may be doing or whatever situation you are in. But sometimes it is alright to ask for help. The important thing is to remember that we need help with certain things. Maybe your family cannot complete your homework for you, but they can make you laugh when you are stressed. Maybe your spouse cannot cook for you, but perhaps they can help you clean. Maybe your friends cannot understand what you are going through, but maybe they can lend a listening ear.