Challening Myself

Recovering from ED means that I have to feed myself. There is no way around it - I need to eat. But one of the hardest things for me to do now is to ask for food or to admit that I actually liked eating something.

It may sound silly to you, but for ED, this is a big issue. Asking my mom to go but me groceries or to pick up a meal for me on her way home feels so....weird. I feel guilty for asking for food. I feel as though I have no right to ask for food. I feel as if I am being a pig if I admit that I enjoyed eating a certain meal.

The other day I decided to challenge myself - I would eat something that ED would not like. You see, ED makes you hate food. He makes you look at food as if it is the enemy. So asking for something was a big challenge. Anyways, I bought the food that I had not eaten in years - maybe about seven years. And I looked at it and froze. Now what? Did I have the courage to eat it? Would ED be screaming at me because I was eating this 'forbidden' food?

I ate it. And I liked it. But after I finished eating, I felt terrible. How could I have eaten that? How could I be such a pig?! ED was mad! It was the first time in seven years that I ate that food - and now I was actually enjoying it? What a bad girl! Foolish, fat girl!

I felt awful for the entire day. I felt far, ugly, bloated, and guilty. I felt huge. I was grumpy and sad. ED was not happy. I committed two great evils in ED's mind: asking for a food that I wanted, and even enjoying eating it.

But part of recovery means that I challenge myself. Of course, I could still recover without doing this. But it makes recovery more worth it. Trying a food I hadn't eaten in years meant that I was strong enough to fight ED. I was brave enough to go against him and to challenge his rules. I did it. And then the next week, I did it again. And I will keep doing it until I have mastered this and am no longer scared or ashamed of eating and enjoying what I eat. Because part of recovery - to me - means that I can expose myself to foods that I used to enjoy and admit that I like them.  To me, this means that I am getting somewhere in recovery.

It might seem insignificant, but this was a huge accomplishment for me. I asked for food, I ate it, and I even enjoyed it. And I will do it again to keep practicing. I am asking for prayers and support because I need the encouragement to keep fighting ED. It is very difficult and I often wonder why I am even working do hard. But then I read all the comments on my blog and I realize that this is why I am working hard - recovery is worth all the work and pain. And the love I get from others strengthens me to carry on.

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