Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Challening Myself

Recovering from ED means that I have to feed myself. There is no way around it - I need to eat. But one of the hardest things for me to do now is to ask for food or to admit that I actually liked eating something.

It may sound silly to you, but for ED, this is a big issue. Asking my mom to go but me groceries or to pick up a meal for me on her way home feels so....weird. I feel guilty for asking for food. I feel as though I have no right to ask for food. I feel as if I am being a pig if I admit that I enjoyed eating a certain meal.

The other day I decided to challenge myself - I would eat something that ED would not like. You see, ED makes you hate food. He makes you look at food as if it is the enemy. So asking for something was a big challenge. Anyways, I bought the food that I had not eaten in years - maybe about seven years. And I looked at it and froze. Now what? Did I have the courage to eat it? Would ED be screaming at me because I was eating this 'forbidden' food?

I ate it. And I liked it. But after I finished eating, I felt terrible. How could I have eaten that? How could I be such a pig?! ED was mad! It was the first time in seven years that I ate that food - and now I was actually enjoying it? What a bad girl! Foolish, fat girl!

I felt awful for the entire day. I felt far, ugly, bloated, and guilty. I felt huge. I was grumpy and sad. ED was not happy. I committed two great evils in ED's mind: asking for a food that I wanted, and even enjoying eating it.

But part of recovery means that I challenge myself. Of course, I could still recover without doing this. But it makes recovery more worth it. Trying a food I hadn't eaten in years meant that I was strong enough to fight ED. I was brave enough to go against him and to challenge his rules. I did it. And then the next week, I did it again. And I will keep doing it until I have mastered this and am no longer scared or ashamed of eating and enjoying what I eat. Because part of recovery - to me - means that I can expose myself to foods that I used to enjoy and admit that I like them.  To me, this means that I am getting somewhere in recovery.

It might seem insignificant, but this was a huge accomplishment for me. I asked for food, I ate it, and I even enjoyed it. And I will do it again to keep practicing. I am asking for prayers and support because I need the encouragement to keep fighting ED. It is very difficult and I often wonder why I am even working do hard. But then I read all the comments on my blog and I realize that this is why I am working hard - recovery is worth all the work and pain. And the love I get from others strengthens me to carry on.

21 comments:

  1. Yes
    You Did it
    You challenged the big Monster.
    Ed now is mad,angry,furious
    ED now try to defend his granducity ,if still there is little remaining ,
    You knocked him down
    Bravo

    What a great achievement

    Jack

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  2. With great joy and happiness ,I read this blog.
    It is a great achievement and it is a huge accomplishment,It is very significant.
    Because Ed was thinking ,Who dare to challenge me??
    You did ,you dared,you did challenge the monster.
    You are shaking his throne .
    My prayers with you always and with all of your readers suffer ED or similar challenge ,
    With God's blessing ,I am sure you are defeating your enemies starting with ED

    Sunday priest is here every day

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  3. Marina
    I am still my self working on this same issue to mainatin my victory .
    Believe me ,you hit Ed to the core and you are breaking his back.
    This is the last resort for ED,if you continue to challnege this food issue ,he will have no place in your life for ever,.
    Of course Ed is tough ,will not be silent at least at first ,he will try sneak in by calling you names ,like you are a pig,you so and so ,you have no rights so and so and making you feel guilty SO THAT YOU WILL NOT CELEBRAE your VICTORY.
    Yes it is your VICTORY .

    I remeber my first food choice challnege was much worse than yours but later on I did continue to win point after another and now I am eating normal food and ED has no place in my house and I can bet ED has no place even in my street .
    My heartfilled congrat.
    Keep up


    Recovered ED for 6 years

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  4. WOW
    So you are progressing in your recovery and not afraid from ED any more .
    You are in control and you are amking the choices and ED has no choices or role in your life .WOW and big WOW
    What is recovery then if this is not.
    I admire you for knowing your self and what to do and when to do it.


    Congratulations

    Jasmeet

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  5. Hi Marina
    This is giving me a hope that one day I will choose my favourite meals and eat same like all my buddies without fear or harrassment by ED.
    Now I am in my program I eat by hour and I am o k even if I feel like ROBOT but for now I need to do this till I come to your stage of recovery when I will start by once weekly I select my favourite meals and challenge ED.
    I can assure you that most of ED is gone but still I have to be on the alert as ED always sneaks on me .
    You are leading the way and I will be following your heels

    Big Thumbs up for you my LEADER

    Anne

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  6. This is wonderful.
    How this makes you feel when you hit your enemy hard and you feel he is not in control and gasping the final breath.

    The taste of the victory is very sweet.
    Please enjoy and celebrate your victory over your enemy who was highjacking you for 7 years (as you said )and denying you the basic needs and least of human rights.

    I did celebrate my victory when I set free from my abusive ex-husband
    S A

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  7. You are proving to all of us that once you put your mind into any thing ,you will do it.
    You are setting example of commitment and reliability.

    Keep up and continue to be a role model

    Mays

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  8. so what was the special thing you eat ?

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  9. I am very very happy to hear this.I am sure you are up to the challenge.
    I believe you are a very strong girl and your have a record to prove that you are so strong and detrmind.
    I am quite sure that neither ED or any other challenge can stop your pogress once you put up your mind to it.
    You made your choices of wiping out ED and help others to free themsleves from his traps and becoming a successful compassionate nurse that cares for others.
    I pray for you and God in whom your trust will guide ,support and protect you.
    This blog makes me happy and this my best gift for the month.
    I am sorry ,I have been busy and I was not able to keep track on your blog but soon I will catch up.Keep up the excellent job and please let me know if I can help with any thing.

    Nagy

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  10. Fanatastic Marina
    You are challenging ED and not yourself.
    Ed is on the run.
    Your message is a relief to all people suffering from ED.
    I am very confident that you able to succeed in your endeavour to prove that it is up to the person to choose how to live our life.
    I think you are self confident and you may consider being a leader in the future.
    I hope my daughter learn from you.

    A thankful mother

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  11. Slowly but surely you will get what you want.
    You are on the right track and you doing one step at time.

    This is the benifit of recoevry is you know what to do now and what is next step.

    My regards

    Mary
    Mississauga

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  12. I also believe you are doing all what you supposed to do and even you are alone without being in hospital or out apatient program.
    One has to wonder how knowledgible and confident you are.
    For curiosity as I am a medical student,do you take advise or guidance from a therapist ,or a family doctor ,both or neither.
    keep up the excellent work

    My heart and prayer with you.

    Penny
    Medical student

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  13. I am happy you are pushing hard on ED
    Good job

    Vuk

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  14. Hey
    Go on ,that is great,
    ED can tell us lies,lies and lies.
    We will not waiver our effort till ED is out of turf

    S C

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  15. Marina has been warning every body about the deception of ED and how he can creep on our lives like a snake .
    Bravo Marina for facing him head on.
    You are winning
    Keep up the good spirit
    Cheers

    Jen
    Welland

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  16. It is my personal conclusion that if any ED person wants to really go on recovery ,the best and easiest way is following Marina 's lead and guide.
    Marina has a severe case and she has been able to pull through with little or minimum use of resources.
    She is taking on her role to help herself .
    I read in CMAJ that new era of medicine is to empower pateint to care for self,set their goals and plan for their own care.
    I am not a doctor or a nurse but I believe Marina has been doing this with amazing sucess.
    I give her an standing ovation

    Sebastien

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    Replies
    1. You are right.
      I have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and despite my treatment plan is so complicated but Canadian arthritis assocaition is running a program for Arthritis self management program ASMP that really helping me a great deal on how to control my pain and arrange my care .
      Keep up the good job Marina

      Savena

      Delete
  17. Very challenging and determining personality Marina and wonderful comments.
    My prayers and gpood wishes

    Hesham

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  18. I tasted the pain of my alcohol use for years and i used to torture myself by continuos use till I made my decison to go to rehab centre and I made my detrmination and I did same like you are doing now and challnged my self and my ability .
    It was not easy at all especailly after I lost the support of my family.
    Here I am rememebring this now gives me great strength and I can say here I am I did it.
    Marina
    Please raise your voice and say here I am ,I did ,I am able and I am strong ,

    My regards and respect

    Carlos

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  19. It is a shame that Gov of Canada still considering alcohol abuse and addiction as a choice and not a disease or mental health disoder and so still not a lot of help you get from rehab centre or community resources.
    I am glad that you Carlos taking care of self and you mainatined your recovery. I bet you are self treating your self same as Marina and you are keeping an eye on your own health

    Oswaldo

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  20. There is nothing wrong with wanting attention. It doesn’t make you selfish. It doesn’t make you desperate or pathetic or weak. It makes you human. We all want to be noticed. We all need to feel seen and heard and valued. And we all deserve to have those needs met. You are no exception. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to be acknowledged and loved and cared for. You deserve to shine. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.

    Amy

    ReplyDelete

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