Saturday, 23 March 2013

Guess who's turning 20...?! YIKES!

It happens to be my birthday next week. I'm turning 20...and I feel so old! I know, I know. I'm not old. 20 is just starting life. But it feels so strange...

I think having ED makes me feel this way. I don't feel as though I really had much of a teen life. I can trace ED back to when I was 13, but it was very weak then. Nevertheless, ED has been on board for a while. So turning 20 is like I'm leaving all my teen years behind...and they weren't without their problems - thanks to ED.

As a teen, I always felt fat. I was the biggest girl in elementary school, and people always made fun of me for it. Then, when ED came along, I felt good. I was losing weight. Good! Things were going to get better...

But they didn't. They got worse. Weight loss became an addiction. I couldn't stop losing weight because I might get fat again. I had to eat less and less each day just to lose more weight. I had to fake eating at home and at school. I had to convince myself that I was full, not hungry. I ignored my stomach pains. If I was losing weight and not fat, that's all that mattered.

And lose weight I did. But I also lost my personality, my laugh, and my happiness. My world became revolved around losing weight. My body image suffered, my self esteem was non-existent. But now I couldn't stop. I could never be too skinny. If I stopped losing I'd be fat, people would tease me again, and I would never live a happy life.

Well, I didn't lead a happy life anyways. I suffered under ED for a long time. Last summer I nearly died in the ICU because of ED. I remember my last birthday - last year. I was so sick that my legs could barely hold my weight. I limped when I walked, hardly able to move. I was barely eating anything. I was very, very sick. My face looked sunken, void of life.

This year, things are different. I'm not starving or weak. I'm eating enough to fuel my body. My face is back to normal, full of smiles and happiness. My personality is back - laughing, joking, sarcasm - the whole package. My body image is still not good, but I'm working on it. At least I'm healthy. This year, my birthday will be different. 20 is a big thing for me - bye bye, teen years. But it's also important because its the first birthday in a long time when I'm actually eating enough, not worrying about how I'll avoid the next meal, etc. I'd by lying if I said that ED is gone, but at least I have control over him now. I'm choosing to eat, to laugh, to smile, and to live life. I'm still recovering, and I know I'll be doing so for a while. But I'm thankful that this year, on my 20th birthday, I have my life back. I'll be with my family and friends and not dead because of ED.

'Thus far the Lord has helped us' (1 Samuel 7:12).

61 comments:

  1. Hey 20
    It is my great pleasure to be first person to congratulate you here.
    You completely changed my life and in fact saved my life and you motivated me and woke me up.
    It is also my birthday as now (thanks to you)I am alive and well .
    Happy birth day Marina
    Please enjoy you birthday and be proud of this land mark

    Anne

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  2. What is nice than celebrating 20th birthday.
    Congrat my dear

    Shawinda

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  3. Congratutlations .
    This must be the best birthday

    Kata

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  4. Happy birhday


    Olivia

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  5. You deserve to celebrate this year and to make up for the last 7 years

    Oswaldo

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  6. This birth day is the life day.
    This is unforgetable one as the I consider it a landmark day after recovery.
    What this mean when you are enjoying a live ,lovely ,cozy and happy celebration while you are surrounded by those who love you the most.
    Happy birth day Marina
    You are the best

    Jack

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  7. This birth day worth more than the previous twenty.
    Happy birth day Marina


    Brett

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  8. You made your choice to recover and you chnaged the course.
    Now you deserve to celebrate the best birthday

    My best congratulations Marina

    Lilian

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  9. If I were you,I would celebrate the whole month.
    Not Kidding


    Bimsara

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  10. Happy birth day Marina
    Please enjoy the the day

    Petrova

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  11. I was hoping to be the first one to congratulate you on the pages of your wonderful blog ,however Anne deserves that honor more than I do .
    I owe you a lot .
    My daughter and me too with her got our life back also and I took her last week for 1 week vacation in Cuba.
    Both of us did enjoy it very much and it was different than the years before ,thanks to your help Marina.
    You helped me to get back my daughter's life and my life with her.

    I am sending you millions of congratulations for this unique birhday.
    You are the best and most honest loving person.

    Janet ,a thankful mother

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  12. Who else deserve the best celebration.
    Happy birth day Marina

    From: Cesare

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  13. I have been addicted to oxycontin and I have been very stuborn and declined all kinds of help offered to me.
    Your blog gave me hope and today I decided to go into rehab and get my life back.
    Please celebrate your best birh day and enjoy every single moment.
    You are changing the life of many others.
    Your recovery is contagious and motivating.
    You made your own recovery and you set your own goals and you are moving forward.
    I wish I have 10% of your strength and resiliance.


    Pray for me in my recovery

    Monika

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  14. No one has made a difference like you did.
    No one has conquereda chronic and serious disease as you did.
    So no one deserve the big standing ovation as you deserev.
    No one deserve the best birth day party as you do.
    Happy birth day

    Anastashia

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  15. You deserve the best celebration.Happy birth day

    Clorado

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  16. Happy birth day


    Piatro

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  17. Your birth day is YUMMY ,enjoy it
    Happy birth day


    Kerena

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  18. What a beautiful day this is!!
    You really deserve to pamper yourself and enjoy it.
    Some one like you who extending the care and blessings and experience to others needs to treat herself same as you treating others if not more .
    I take care of myself as if I am the msot important person(VIP)

    Happy Birth Day Marina

    Mary
    m
    Mississauga

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  19. I will celebrate your birthday also as my gift to you.Continue to care for your self and enjoy the happiness of recovery and the altruism.

    Happy Birth day Marina

    Piuish

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  20. Happy birth day

    Myra

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  21. Hanppy birth day Marina

    Blanchette

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  22. Happy birth day .
    I heard you are amazing and what you did for your recovery from serious disease and you continue your school and helping others ,unbelievable.
    Way to go .

    Asif
    Astrology student

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  23. Happy birth day from Prazeau

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  24. I am aware of all your blog and today it is time to congratulate you for a happy birthday and to admire your perseverence and to thank your altruism

    Varshaba

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  25. Let me give you a big hug,
    Happy and prosperous life for you.

    Jennifer
    welland

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  26. Happy birthday to you
    How old are U now
    !0 15 20 Hey

    Sally

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  27. Hurrrrrrray
    My heartfilled congratulations with the best wishes for you and your family to celebrate and enjoy your birthday

    Mehta

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  28. Happy birthday from Raja

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  29. Yahooo
    Happy birthday Marina

    Kathy

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  30. Happy Birth day

    Satnum

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  31. You are a gem and you deserve the best .
    Happy birthday Marina

    Jasmeet

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  32. Happy birth day Marina

    Lelivierre

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  33. Congratulations
    Enjoy the best birthday

    Eric

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  34. Marina
    really you deserve the best celebration for this unique day.
    I wish you all the best

    Shady
    Mississauga

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  35. Happy birhday

    Debra

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  36. All the best


    Damian

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  37. Happy birthday to you

    Rajendra

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  38. All the best with lots of fun on you best day of the year

    Sheshgiri

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  39. Happy B day

    Lallimore

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  40. Marina
    This is the most memorable day that never be forgotten.
    The fisrt birthday after recovery is the most noticable one as We can feel and see the difference between life and no life ,between health and illness ,between happiness and deep bitterness and misery.
    I had severaldays myself that I can not forget as you know I had many relapses but the one birth day that I can not forget is the last one after my recovery without relapse 6 years ago.

    I could feel that I will not relapse again ,I could feel myself that this is it .No more ED in my life


    Marina,you are stromger and determined than me and than many others

    I feel that your recovery is perminent and your birth day this year will mark the end of era of ED in your life and many others as example ,Anne ,Nanraj , thankful mother,Kapoor,Gerry ,and many others who never disclose .

    My best wishes to you to have all what you are hoping for in your birthday

    You deserve a big honor
    My regards
    Happy birhday Marina

    From recovered ED victim

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  41. Happy Birthday Marina

    Yoganand

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  42. Happy birth day

    Celeste

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  43. Happy day on your best day.
    I hope you have all the fun and acknoledment of your hard work.

    Irina

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  44. Happy happy happy Birthday to you.

    Savana

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  45. All the best with a very happy birthday

    Barahonna

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  46. Hey
    Enjoy the best of it.
    Get as much as you can get.Ask every body to bring their best gifts
    You deserve

    Elvira

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  47. Um um um umum um um
    Happy Birhday

    Phong

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  48. Wahi,Mahoo ,Rohi
    I am as happy as you are
    Happy birth day



    Sehdev

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  49. Happy birthday to you.Vey sweet and blessed year to you beautiful girl

    Torki

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  50. My best wishes to have the best birthday ever

    Gaudet

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  51. Very happy birthday to you

    Feta
    Oakville ,On

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  52. Huraaaaaaay
    Please get as many gifts as you can.
    This is your opportunity.
    You made your choices and you are winning
    No gift ,no matter how big ,can reward you for your brave and heroic stand
    I am very humble when I come to your blog.

    My best wishes for you to have the best ever birthday..
    With my heartfilled congratulation and my humble and meek respectful heart

    Mohammed
    Psychology student

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  53. I agree with all what said especailly Mohammed
    You girl deserve the best
    Happy birthday

    Gangi

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  54. Happy birth day Marina

    Nasrin

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  55. You changed your life ,you deserve the best birthday aprty.Go for it and get all the gifts

    Dewitt

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  56. I like what people telling you,please demand more gifts.
    You really deserve

    Elora

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  57. Same here
    I like the idea of you Marina demanding more gifts
    Look it is the 20th birthday and is the recovery birthday also .
    So not too much to ask for more gifts

    Sarina

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  58. Happy birthday Marina

    Adrian

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  59. My dear daughter
    It is with a great joy that I celebrate with you this very happy day.
    I pray for you .
    My gifts to you is kissing and big hug to my lovely daughter Marina (actaully you are youger than my grand daughters,if you recall I am 76 now)


    Sam Ibrahim
    Burnhamthorpe
    Mississauga

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  60. Happy happy birthday

    Edwina

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  61. I hope you have amazing birthday. You really do deserve it. I know from the bottom of my heart you will grow into being the most successful, healthy and beautiful women that you never saw yourself to be. This is because you are the most nicest, caring and smartest girl i have ever came across. Reading your blog is so inspirational,because I can relate to some things you talk about! Keep on rocking girl and stay strong :)

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