I want to start by thanking everyone who wished me a happy birthday - those who commented and those who prayed for me. I really had an awesome time!
I did not do anything 'extra special' but it was nonetheless amaszing. My sister, mom, and dad went to great lengths to make me smile, laugh, and be surprised. My dad bought me flowers, my mom got a balloon, and my sister decorated the entire house with banners and birthday confetti.
Apart from that, my family and friends did little things that made a BIG difference. My friends were texting me, counting down until my birthday (and they were good! One of my friends was counting to the minute!). My family sent me TONS of cute greeting cards. They set up candles for me to blow out. They bought me so many wonderful gifts.
All in all, it was a GREAT day. I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to not have to worry about ED or the food. My family is so understanding about ED that food is no longer an issue - I eat when I need to eat, and they do the same. Before, food was hard on celebrations because I never wanted to eat, and they were desperately trying to get me to eat. But now, things are different. We ate. And that's it. No big deal. Just like in any other house without ED. He was NOT invited to my birthday celebrations!
To add to that, I went clothes shopping with my mom. This was HUGE. Ever since I have gained weight, it has been very difficult to go shopping because I feel uncomfortable with my new body. Before ED, I was CRAZY about shopping - I did it all the time. But since ED amd even in recovery, this has been a challenge. It is really hard to accept that now my body is bigger. Even though I know that it is HEALTHIER, it is still hard. I feel fat and even ugly sometimes. My self-esteem and body image are not great. So, they definitely need working on.
Anyways - back to the shopping. My mom took me to the mall and we went into the store. We grabbed a few dresses and I tried them on. And they actually did not look so bad. Granted, it was hard to see myself in these clothes because I felt fat. But the more I stared at myself in the mirror, the easier it became. I still felt (and feel) different, even fat sometimes because of my new body. But I'm starting to come to terms that I do not look fat; I just look different.
Foolish girl! You gained SO much weight and now you wear HUGE sizes. You look terrible. You should not buy new clothes for yourself because you are so ugly that anything you buy will look horrible on your fat, lazy body.
Well, ED, you are right. I gained weight. But that does not mean I am fat. My body is just different. Instead of starving and not being able to wear anything because they were too big, now clothes fit well. Sometimes, ED, I believe you. I believe that I am fat and ugly. But that is part of my illness. And I am starting to see that you often scew the way I look at myself. You make me feel bad, when I really should realize that you nearly killed me. So, I am deciding to disobey you and go shopping. I will go buy new clothes to celebrate the fact that I am no longer dying. I will flatter myself like I used to before I got sick. I will buy new clothes that reflect how healtthy I am now; how far I have come since you decided to invade my life.
I know that this will be hard, but I also know that it is necessary for me to do. Recovery has been hard since the day I started it, but it gets easier each time I disobey ED. It takes practice, patient, faith, hope, and strength. This year on my birthday, I did not let ED or food get in the way of having fun and celebrating. And I bought new clothes. BONUS! I am so thankful to God, all my readers, and my family and friends. I would not have been able to do this without any of you. Thank you.
'Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength'. (Isaiah 40:28-31)