Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Where does the weight all go?!

If you've read yesterday's blog, you already know that I have gained five pounds since starting treatment a week ago. This causes me so much distress. It makes me feel that I am physically getting larger - that my body is expanding before my eyes and I am helplessly watching with horror. I feel that my clothes are tighter; that I look bigger in the mirror. I feel heavier, and I hate it.

Of course - this is part of ED. He wants me to feel this way. He convinces me that I am larger. That before I know it, I'll be fat. And then people will make fun of me. And all of my hard work losing weight will have gone to nothing.

When my rational mind thinks about it, I cannot possibly have gotten huge in one week. Sure, it was five pounds. But all five pounds did not go straight to my stomach or thighs. I have to remember how each and every part of my body is fighting for nourishment. My hair (which is currently falling out and extremely thin) needs to get thicker and healthy again. My internal organs - my kidneys and liver - desperately want to become their adult size instead of the 4-year-old sizes they are now. My heart - which nearly failed me and almost caused me to lose my life - needs nourishment to pump blood to all of my organs. My lung muscles - ever so weak and therefore causing me to have two breathing tubes inserted - need to get stronger so that they can work properly. My fingernails need to get stronger so that they do not break everyday. My brain - that thing I have in my head that I cannot stop from working through millions of thoughts in one day - needs energy so that it can continue to do it's job. And what about my height that was stunted by ED? Maybe I'll grow a bit taller! On top of all that, my entire body needs to remember what it is like to have food again - to be filled with the nourishment and energy that it deserves.

So, when I REALLY think about it, the five pounds is not too bad. How can something so enriching and nourishing be bad? Well, ED will always tell me that ANY weight gain is not good. But I need to activate my wise mind and use my defences against him. My body is hungry right now. Even though I may not feel physical hunger (which is another topic for another blog!), I know that my organs are screaming to be provided with energy. I know that my body has had to do some hard work, surviving on nearly nothing for the past five years.

I owe it to my body now to give it what it needs. And I owe it to God, to honour my body - a temporary gift from Him which I must take care of. For '...[my] body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in [me], and [I] am not [my] own' (1 Corinthians 6:19).


  1. Wow "Habibi" Wow.
    Let me give you an standing ovation.Let me clap with my hands and rejoice in my heart as I am hearing your rational and wise self talk and you shrugging off the ED lies.
    You are a very articulate writer.You said all the truth about your self and your illness and how ED lures you into deception.

    I think if you read this blog over and over ,ED will flee away and will never come back to your life ever again.
    I believe you can challenge ED deception just by reading this blog.
    Please pass this blog on to any victim of ED,I am sure this blog can help them and may facilitate their recovery.
    Please keep up your excellent Job,using your wise mind and smart brain and talented writing skills.
    We are very proud of you.
    You are adorable
    I am saying this because I know your inside very well,I know your strength that is deep inside you.
    Strangers who do not know you well,may only judje you by just looking at your frail body from outside,not knowing that you are a treasure from all inside

    Tough Times never last,tough people do last.
    Soon this ordeal will be over and your real healthy beautiful girl will shine to every body.
    We will be behind your back.
    We will continue praying and praying.
    We love you soooo much.
    You are a precious treasure given to us from God 20 years ago.you had miracles in your life while you are in utero ,during your delivary and since you were born till now
    Always God has been with you.
    God bless you
    N A

  2. Hi
    I can understand how hard it is for you .Your self talk is encouraging and I am now on the waiting list waiting for a spot.I will do all my best and will challange myself and my ED thoughts the same way you do .I have mild case though and so may be easier for me to challenge my ED
    My heart with you.A A

  3. You are making a good point to every person ,healthy or sick when you are saying I owe to my body.Yes ,That is what we all do when we are hot we get fresh cold air and when we tired we get rest ,and when we are weak ,we need to look for what makes our body stronger.Yes you will continue the improvement and the progress and the hard difficult days will come to an end and you will enjoy healthy life.
    I do not know you but I could imagine that your are a beutiful girl that has angel character AM I right??

  4. This blog is full of information about ED that hard for many people to understand
    I am trying to look at what you said "my body is hungry for food to rebuild but I wish I ciould feel physically hungry"
    Yes being hungry is different than feeling the hunger as feeling it means you havea good appetite to eat.Some people have very good appetite even thier body is not physically hungry and in your case different.I hope things balance means you feel physically hungry when your body hungry and in dire need of food.

    Alos feeling strong is different than really strong means when you try lifting certain weight ,you can judge how really your muscles are strong but feeling strong means you have energy and in good mood and so you feel well and strong even if your muscles not that strong.

    Feeling fat is different than being fat as my physiotherapist has a devise that can check how much fat I have in my body and gives me % but feeling fat has no real meaning about fattness but only means your emotion and bad feeling about it.

    I hope that our feeling match or real body and life but this does not happen always.

    My conclusion is we have feelings and emotions and we have to respect and listen to them and at the same time never ignore our physical body needs
    Please comment on this to see you views
    S C

  5. I LOVE YOU <3



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