If you've read yesterday's blog, you already know that I have gained five pounds since starting treatment a week ago. This causes me so much distress. It makes me feel that I am physically getting larger - that my body is expanding before my eyes and I am helplessly watching with horror. I feel that my clothes are tighter; that I look bigger in the mirror. I feel heavier, and I hate it.
Of course - this is part of ED. He wants me to feel this way. He convinces me that I am larger. That before I know it, I'll be fat. And then people will make fun of me. And all of my hard work losing weight will have gone to nothing.
When my rational mind thinks about it, I cannot possibly have gotten huge in one week. Sure, it was five pounds. But all five pounds did not go straight to my stomach or thighs. I have to remember how each and every part of my body is fighting for nourishment. My hair (which is currently falling out and extremely thin) needs to get thicker and healthy again. My internal organs - my kidneys and liver - desperately want to become their adult size instead of the 4-year-old sizes they are now. My heart - which nearly failed me and almost caused me to lose my life - needs nourishment to pump blood to all of my organs. My lung muscles - ever so weak and therefore causing me to have two breathing tubes inserted - need to get stronger so that they can work properly. My fingernails need to get stronger so that they do not break everyday. My brain - that thing I have in my head that I cannot stop from working through millions of thoughts in one day - needs energy so that it can continue to do it's job. And what about my height that was stunted by ED? Maybe I'll grow a bit taller! On top of all that, my entire body needs to remember what it is like to have food again - to be filled with the nourishment and energy that it deserves.
So, when I REALLY think about it, the five pounds is not too bad. How can something so enriching and nourishing be bad? Well, ED will always tell me that ANY weight gain is not good. But I need to activate my wise mind and use my defences against him. My body is hungry right now. Even though I may not feel physical hunger (which is another topic for another blog!), I know that my organs are screaming to be provided with energy. I know that my body has had to do some hard work, surviving on nearly nothing for the past five years.
I owe it to my body now to give it what it needs. And I owe it to God, to honour my body - a temporary gift from Him which I must take care of. For '...[my] body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in [me], and [I] am not [my] own' (1 Corinthians 6:19).