The Dreaded Number

I got weighed today. And I gained. A LOT.

In simple words, I was crushed. I could not stand to see that number on the screen in front of my face. I could not imagine that my weight could climb so high in on measly week.

Of course, I felt horrible. The entire was full of struggles. ED filled my head with his running tape of how much of a failure I am. Of how fat I would soon become. That I would gain this much every week.

You foolish girl. You stupid, stupid thing. Did you think you would come here and eat this much and not gain weight? You are becoming fat. You are almost there. Everyone will notice and tell you that you look healthier - what they really mean is that you look fat. Your clothes will get tighter, and then they will no longer fit. You filthy, rotten, useless girl. You failure.

And he doesn't stop there. He continues to tell me that I do not deserve to live. He makes me feel so weak and small. He makes me hate myself and my body.

So, in short, you can picture how hard today was. I had to eat my food (including a BIG meal plan increase), even though I had already gained more than what was required of me. I had to sit in groups and talk about how I felt fat and bad about my existence. I've had urges all day to leave this program before I get fat and regret it.

The upside of this is that today really showed me that I have a great support system. I want to thank all of my blog followers and people who comment. Your comments and stories make me feel loved and empowered. They motivate me a lot. And I want to thank my friends and family who have never given up on me - you know who you are. May God bless you and protect you always. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

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