Monday, 30 July 2012

The Dreaded Number

I got weighed today. And I gained. A LOT.

In simple words, I was crushed. I could not stand to see that number on the screen in front of my face. I could not imagine that my weight could climb so high in on measly week.

Of course, I felt horrible. The entire was full of struggles. ED filled my head with his running tape of how much of a failure I am. Of how fat I would soon become. That I would gain this much every week.

You foolish girl. You stupid, stupid thing. Did you think you would come here and eat this much and not gain weight? You are becoming fat. You are almost there. Everyone will notice and tell you that you look healthier - what they really mean is that you look fat. Your clothes will get tighter, and then they will no longer fit. You filthy, rotten, useless girl. You failure.


And he doesn't stop there. He continues to tell me that I do not deserve to live. He makes me feel so weak and small. He makes me hate myself and my body.

So, in short, you can picture how hard today was. I had to eat my food (including a BIG meal plan increase), even though I had already gained more than what was required of me. I had to sit in groups and talk about how I felt fat and bad about my existence. I've had urges all day to leave this program before I get fat and regret it.

The upside of this is that today really showed me that I have a great support system. I want to thank all of my blog followers and people who comment. Your comments and stories make me feel loved and empowered. They motivate me a lot. And I want to thank my friends and family who have never given up on me - you know who you are. May God bless you and protect you always. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

5 comments:

  1. In all honestly, i find that women with anorexia have lost their womanly look, and look more like a child than a woman. So dont think of becoming fat, think of it as becoming a woman. (we all have curves here and there)
    And im sure your doctors would not let you get over weight, since that is unhealthy, try and look for a bright side in all this. You're doing great so far!! Keep it up and dont fret. Your friends and family love you for you, not what your weight is. :)

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  2. Hi There from A A
    I think your real battle with ED has begun.ED will not leave you get off from his control that easy.He will keep calling you names ,tease you and you need to continue to challenge him,call him a lier and deceitful.Finally you will win for you and for all with ED.That disease is really deadly ,no doubt and needs to have all your assets avaible and ready to fight.I am glad that you have a great support of family and friends and on top your GOD as I see you are a believer and may be that is why ED is recruiting all his tricks and assets also as he feels " you are a big challenge to him"
    Please continue to fight your yourself and all other victim and be hopeful
    A A

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  3. Hi
    To be in a treatment program is not easy.It demands a lot of work,duties and persevernce but the healing and recovery physically,emotionally and having normal thoughts,feeling and happiness worth all the torture and sacrifice.
    Remeber it is not about size,weight or shape all these all ED issues that he threatens victims and scares the hill out of them with.But this program is learning,motivating and teaching you to be a good strong happy productive and free person.
    By end of this program you feel happy,better sleep ,excellent thinking,fast thinker,not wasting any time with ED thoughts and issues.
    You can also help others who has any issues of this illness.
    Please persevre ,stand strong and hard and do not let this ED take your life and happiness from you.
    Please also encourage and support other inpatients and motivate them to get the most benifits out of this program
    Stay the course till the end no matter how much powerful and strong ED ,you are stronger than his tricks

    Sincerly
    Previous victim of ED

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  4. Hey you.
    Get the fear out,keep going
    We Love you
    We know you are determined no matter how hard it is.
    We pray for you.
    We wish you all the best.
    We hope that we could do any thing to alleviate your discomfort but so far all what we offer is our prayer,wish,hope,encouragment ,respect and admiration
    We Love you

    Together in the same boat ,
    Friends for ever

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Marina,

    You are one of the most intelligent people I have every met. When we first met, I enjoyed your attitude, and you reminded me of myself. You have an amazing sense of humor, and great work ethics. Throughout the year I remember really enjoying our conversations and all this time, I had no idea about how powerful ED was in your life. Throughout the year, I always wanted to ask you if you were okay, but never had the courage to do so. I just wanted you to know that you are an amazingly, courageous, intelligent, beautiful, and above of all strong. The amount of strength you possess is written here in a wonderful way. All I want you to know is that you will always have friends that love you
    -

    ReplyDelete

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