Tomorrow is the worst day of the week. Well, Mondays are never enjoyable. But, where I am in program, Mondays are ‘weigh’ days: the day inpatients must don hospital gowns and step onto the scale.
If I could insert the scariest music possible right here, you should know that it would be playing. Getting weighed is never fun. The team expects a 1-2 kg weight gain per week. So, that’s about 2.2-4.4 pounds. YIKES!
The problem with weigh days is that ED likes to show up – big time. If my weight goes up, he tortures me because then I will be fat and I will just keep gaining weight. ED will insist that I will no longer look thin and pretty, and that I will never again be able to eat normal food without continuing to gain. I will not fit into my clothes; I will once again be teased about being bigger than everyone else. In summary, ED will torment me, reminding me of how much work it was to lose weight in the first place. He will then mock me, calling me weak and fat and ugly. He will scream that I am no good; that I have failed to control my food intake and my weight.
You fool. You weakling. You could not stop eating. You ate and ate and now look what happened. Your weight has gone up..and it will do that again and again in the weeks to come. You are so close to becoming fat. Look at your stomach! Your thighs. You don’t look thin anymore. You have failed. You are a failure.
On the other hand, if my weight stays the same (or goes down, but I highly doubt it), I will feel bad because the treatment team will be disappointed. And then they will increase my meal plan even more. But then, ED will be happy. He will jump up and down, thankful that I will be the same (or less) weight.
Good. Your weight is good. Just keep at this. Do not let it go up. You know what happens then. Stay thin. Gaining weight is bad. It will make you look and feel bad.
So, where do I stand?! Gaining weight sucks. Losing or maintaining is wrong. If I could summarize my feelings towards Monday ‘weigh’ days, I’d use the word ‘dread’. Not wanting anything to happen. In fact, if I could skip it all together, I would.
But the reality is that I am here to gain weight (along with getting therapy). If the doctors and nurses are saying that I need to gain, they must be right. But something inside of me just doesn’t want that. I’m terrified that I will break down in the office when I get weighed tomorrow. The thought of gaining is beyond scary for me. I just wish weight was not an issue for me. I wish that I was like other people – eating freely and sensibly, but not worrying about that nasty number on the scale.
I’m praying for strength today. I’m praying that God may give me peace and fill me with His Spirit. Jesus said ‘…my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives peace do I give. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid’ (John 14:27).
Dear Lord, fill me with your peace that my heart may rest in serenity, knowing that my life is in Your mighty hands.