Going home was the best thing that could happen to me! I was so excited to finally leave the hospital. My most glorious moment was walking out of the room. You see, during my hospital stay, I was not allowed to get up and walk at all - except to and from the bathroom in my room (which was NOT even a walk...it was literally right in front of my bed). Because I was immobile, I was given a needle to prevent blood clots - everyday. But now, here I was, standing tall and proud. I remember feeling so happy that I could walk out of the room!
When I first woke up at the end of May, my body was still long asleep. I tried to get up and walk, but my body was too weak. The physiotherapist was called in to help me 'learn to walk again'. I felt ashamed and horrified that I had to use a walker to begin walking. I was terrified that I would never be able to walk alone again.
The second I got home, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy fill my heart. This was home - the place where I belonged. For so long, I had lived in the hospital and had nearly forgotten what it was like to walk around my house, to use my own things, to lay on my own bed, and just to simply feel the burst of fresh air from my windows. At last, I thought, I am HOME.
Before I was discharged from the hospital, I was told that I would have to return in September for the inpatient eating disorders program. Although I had gained about 30 pounds in the hospital, I was still underweight and my thoughts were still very negative. Eating at home, as you can imagine, was - and still is - a struggle.
Perhaps you may be wondering, "why can't you just EAT?". The best way I can answer this is by asking you, "why can't cancer patients just kill their cancerous cells". The analogy holds true for all aspects of anorexia nervosa. People with ED do NOT choose to get it, just as cancer patients do not. The process of recovery from an ED is painful and tiring, just like cancer. Things always seem worse before they get better...at least I'm told.
I pray that one day I will recover 100%. I dream of the day where I can sit down and enjoy a meal, not giving it a second thought. Or what about the time when I will eat and not worry about gaining weight or looking fat?! What does recovery mean to me? EVERYTHING. It means getting my life back. It means going back to University and feeling healthy and strong. It means eating freely, not caring about my weight or appearance. It means feeling happy and confident with myself. Recovery is equivalent to freedom. Freedom from something so vile and terrible that it robs you of your entire life - literally or metaphorically. Freedom from thoughts and feelings that haunt you day and night, threatening to take every inch of your soul away.
Recovering from anorexia nervosa will be the greatest thing I have ever accomplished. And yet, although the road is a hard one, I am sure that my God will not forsake me. I am positive that I will suffer, that I will want to give up. But I won't. I will not stop trying until I make it. No matter how long it takes, no matter how much obstacles I must overcome.
Because recovery IS possible. And I deserve to recover.