Friday, 13 September 2013

Still Single?

You must be wondering why on Earth I am writing about this topic on my blog. Well, let's start with some facts: I'm a girl. And I'm 20 years old. Oh yes, and I'm Middle Eastern. What does that have to do with anything? Typically, girls in my culture are expected to get married and have a happy marriage. This may seem old-fashioned to some, but it is traditional. My parents (and many other Egyptian parents), do not force their girls to do this, but many do. So, for the sake of some girls out there, this post is for you. I hope it helps you and gives you the peace of mind that I have been blessed with. For the males out there, this is so you can appreciate what some of us go through! It might also apply to those males who have not found a life partner yet. Either way, I think it is worth reading. Just a reminder: most people are too shy to speak about this topic, so please appreciate that I am bringing it out in the open! :)

It is tough being in a society where dating and marriage are fantasized over. This is not wrong - it is a part of life. But it makes it difficult sometimes because there seems to be so much pressure on finding the 'right person'. It is hard when you come to this age and so many people around you are dating or getting married. You start to wonder, 'what is wrong with me? Why am I the only one who has not found someone yet? Why am I different?'. And then you start to criticize yourself, thinking of what is wrong with you.. You might name parts of your body that you hate, what you dislike about your personality, why you are not as good as others, etc. See how destructive this can be? You end up feeling so down because you have not found someone, and now also because you dislike yourself.

This is why it gets frustrating when people ask me if 'anything new is happening' with my love life. They want to know if I am dating, have someone in mind, etc. And I am sure they mean well. But it is tough getting these kinds of questions. To be honest, I do not know what is happening new in my life. I am unsure of whether or not I will be married, have children, etc. I do not even know where I am going in my career right now. I feel annoyed - at myself. I am angry that I do not have a plan for my life like others seem to. I am frustrated that I have not found someone who loves me and wants to spend their life with me. I am sad that I have no idea where my life is going, what my future hols, and who is in it. At the of the day, I feel like I do not know myself at all. and I am hopeless.

 Having an eating disorder made it worse because I often blamed myself for having so many shortcomings. 'No one will ever want to be with me because I had ED. They will be scared of me and not want to spend their life with me. They will think that I am weak and ugly and fat. There is nothing good about me. I am an unsuccessful person. No one wants to be with someone who used to have an eating disorder. That is why I am not dating anyone. That is why I am alone. And my personality? It sucks. I am not fun or exciting. I am not funny, either. I am boring. I am not beautiful or special enough. That is why I will never find anyone for me. That is why I am not dating, engaged, or married'.

So I prayed. I told God how I felt and let Him know how frustrated I was. I complained to Him and told Him that I felt awful about myself and about my future. I asked Him why I was alone and why I was not in a relationship with anyone. And then I reflected on my own. And this is when I started to see that I was wrong to see my life this way. I was missing the bigger picture. Maybe I am not in a relationship with anyone. But does that mean that I am unworthy? No. Maybe it means that God is saving me for the right person. I do not know what God has in store for me, but I DO know that He knows what is best. I know that my idea of a perfect life and future is worldly - it is based on my own thoughts. But God is All-Knowing. He sees my future and is not limited by my human thinking. So, perhaps God is trying to tell me that this is not my time yet. Maybe I will be in a relationship later on in my life. Maybe it will be tomorrow. Or maybe it will never happen. Either way, I am confident that God will do what He knows is best for me. God does not play games.

Perhaps God is trying to tell me that my time has not come yet because there is more that I need to do before I become tied in a relationship. I don't know what that thing is, but it might be something important. Maybe I need to complete my education first so that I can get a stable job and income. Or maybe I need to grow physically, spiritually, mentally, or emotionally. Perhaps my heart is not yet ready to support the love of a partner and children. Maybe I need to first learn HOW to love others with out condition. Maybe I need to learn more life skills, such as empathy, sacrifice, obedience, and kindness. The problem with today's society is that love and relationships are often sought out but not well planned and cherished. Are relationships all about getting gifts from someone and feeling special? Is it only about hugs/kisses and having someone to talk to? Or is there more to it? Relationships are about so much more than those things. In fact, relationships are more about giving than getting. You need to give the other person love, care, and time. You need to be committed. Maybe I am not ready for that yet. Maybe I still need to grow. I have a tough time taking care of myself and being a well-balanced person and leading a healthy and stable life. Am I ready to take on the challenges and responsibilities of another person? Thinking about this changed the way I thought about this topic...

Lastly, we need to remember that in the church community (and many other religions), marriage's purpose is to edify. What this means is that getting married and being in a relationship is supposed to strengthen our faith. It it supposed to bring us closer to God and help us grow in Christ. Do I want marriage for this purpose - to grow spiritually? Or do I seek relationships because of society and because others are getting married? Do I want to be in a relationship because I want to get closer to God? Or do I want it because I just want someone to make me feel loved and special? Do I believe that having a partner will make me a better person, or do I want this because I want to feel that someone loves me and thinks that I am wonderful? Do I want a relationship because it will make me a better Christian, or do I want it because I am sick of feeling like the only one without a 'special someone'? Thinking about this issue from these perspectives really changed my life because it showed me that maybe I am not ready for a relationship. And maybe I do not want it for the right reasons.

With regards to people asking questions - well, they will always ask. They want to know, after all. Perhaps I cannot control what people ask me. Maybe I cannot control their curiosity about why I am still single now. But I can control how I react to this. I can choose to not let it bother me. Instead of focussing on what I do not have, I can focus on what I DO have. I do not have to worry about if anything new is happening now, because I need to focus on what is happening NOW. Tomorrow will come, along with its challenges, experiences, and joys. But right now, I am living in TODAY.

The next time you feel sad or frustrated about this topic, give this some thinking. Or take a look at this blog post and remember what I said. It will not ALWAYS make you feel 100% better, but I guarantee that it will help you reconstruct your view and feelings on relationships. I pray that each and every one of you finds the right person, if this is what God has in store for you. If it is not, I pray that God grants you His peace and comfort and helps you realize that you have other wonderful things planned ahead of you. Remember that what you want may not be what God wants. But in the end of the day, what God wants is bigger, better, and bound to be full of blessings. We all do not have the same lives, and this means that God has different plans for each of us. Instead of being angry about what is NOT happening in you life, thank God for what is. And instead of wondering why you are not in a relationship, think about the other amazing things that God is planning for you. Do not waste your time being sad that you are 'alone' - because in fact, you are NEVER alone as long as you have the love of your friends and family, let alone the love of God the Creator! For those of you in a relationship, I pray that God strengthens it and that it grows in God's love and grace. For those of you not in a relationship, I pray that God continue to fill your life with what HE sees is best.

31 comments:

  1. Wonderful topic that intrigues many of us single ,married ,middle eastern or Northern european>

    Solomon

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  2. I am 76 and I married the woman that God chose for me.
    If I were to be 25 years again ,I would like my God choice for me and I will marry the same woman.
    Marriage from God .
    I urge every body to be patient and wait for God will and choice

    Sam Ibrahim
    Burnhamthorpe,Mississuaga

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  3. I have been same feeling for long long time .I am born in Canada and my parents are italian but came to Canada long ago.I am now in medical school and am busy with my school and I have no plan to date or marry.
    I do not think about this issue now and none of my family or friends asking me.
    Of course I wish to date a nice man that is caring but I will not go after this.


    Penny

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  4. I had several experiences with boys and \I conclude that until you find the good match, it is better to be away from them.
    Boys when they are young most of them unstable and premature and just want have good time.
    I am waiting now and looking for the person who \I trust can live with me the rest of my life

    Shishgeri

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  5. Girls who do not care too much about values and morality get to know many boys at early age and usually they get to suffer several consequence
    Girls like you who have certain standard and appreciate professionalism have little time going to parties and sell themselves cheap to boys and so they may wait long and long but surely they will get the right fit sooner or later.

    Kelly W

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  6. I wish my daughter like you,
    I rather you be selective and conservative than having 3 or 6 boys for dating and spend one day here and there.
    I know many dates as many as 20 times before settled on one to marry and after few years divorce.

    Marina stick to your values and morality and one day you will meet the one who deserves the best woman like you.

    Lillian

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  7. One thing very important to counsel our clients \\\\\\never blame your self
    Never blame patients and never blame yourself .
    You have not done any thing wrong to be unlucky or feel sick or catch a flu>
    We need to advocate for sour self even more than we advocate for our patients
    We need to support and encourage our self
    If We do not care about our self and support our self, how can we care and support our patents

    Marina You are the best person I VE EVER MET ON THE WEB AND I AM SURE YOU WILL BE THE BEST CARING NURSE AND SO PLEASE NEVER BLAME YOUR SELF FOR BOYS MISTAKES
    ALL BOYS SEEM TO BE BLIND AND NOT SEEING THE REAL BEAUTY AND KINDENSS

    cj

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  8. you are truly an inspiration to so many people!

    ReplyDelete
  9. hey dear, my situation is different, i am 29 and i live in Egypt and i traveled a lot. i lived in Canada for 15 months for study and i hoped for change and my patient that lead to what i hope for a change , love that rock my life and a relationship that bring me closer to God as you said and fix my weakness. so i believe in what you said but now i am in a time of feed up and i need that .... i do not know maybe you will not understand me
    but at the end every patient has a limit and God knows me.....so why??????

    Thank you

    Mar.....

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  10. I recall when I was in high school, all girl used to talk and brag about BF and how much fun they have with BFs and every one asking me show us the picture of your BF if you really have one. I got them my dad old picture when he was 17.
    See how hard on a teenager to resist the temptation.
    I urge you to stick to your values.
    Girls who date ,get more troubles than those who meet the best fit and start serious relationship

    Yara

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  11. Marina
    I have been dating but I do agree that when I was ill with ED ,I was isolating my self from people especially those who notice my ED behaviours and start to talk. I ended several relationship myself and 4 BFs walked on me leaving my heart broken.
    Now after my recovery I do not want to date ,I am young and I will wait till I meet a compassionate caring person.

    Nana

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  12. I am wearing a ring in my left hand showing every body I am married but I have never dated any body and I feel I need to wait to finish my Master degree and get a job before I can look for a relationship
    I am going so far??

    Jagdeep

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  13. I told you before YOU ARE A GEM
    Many will be very lucky to date you.
    Having an illness and recovered never been a reason not to marry someone.
    On top ,you made a breakthrough in medicine and you challenged the disease even more than the disease challenged you.
    You scared the hill out of the monster ED and kicked him out.
    Many succumbed to this ED
    You survived and won the battle .

    With my humble respect
    Mohammad

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  14. My dear
    You are so harsh on yourself
    I saw your picture once and I heard your voice on the radio show and I have a great understanding of your personality from your blog and I can tell your are very beautiful young successful woman that stick to high value and morality and endorse a strong Christian belief

    Please do not describe your self in a negative picture at all.
    The fairness and truth will prevail.

    Ivanka

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  15. Marina
    I am in the same boat as you.
    I have to admit I closed the door on dating for many years since I was 11 because of my Ed and now I am back to school and life.
    I will not date any body and will focus on study and education.
    I trust you are the smartness and most beautiful person and any one be the happiest to marry you.

    Anne

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  16. I do believe that God is waiting for the right time for you.
    Your reflection of God's thoughts is amazing and I do believe that is true.
    Waiting till the time come is important.
    God is listening but We do not know when the time is coming

    May God bless you

    Sunday Priest

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  17. During my many years of depression I chose to separate from my husband and I lived with my parents. He is a good man and so he did choose not to have any relationship. When I recovered I extended my hand to him and We re-connected.
    Since then We are happy again.

    I do believe God is waiting for the right timing
    Now you have an important mission, finish your education, get a job in health care and help sick people who needs person caring and empathic as you

    Mays

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  18. I never been sick with any disease and still I am 50 and have never had any relationship ,however I have my job, my cats and my family.
    I have been feeling the way you feel but this post gave me comfort and made me feel better knowing life is not only about have a relationship
    I respect you

    Rodica

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  19. I know one of my neighbours who has been single since I was young baby and mom told me she lived with a man for only few months when was 18 and since then single ,happy and successful in her business.
    Life is full of many things and not only relationship

    You Marina have many many success to fill your life with joy
    The happiest man is not knocking on your door yet!!

    Zak

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  20. Because you respect yourself and not running after boys, you still have not dated yet.


    Sandra D

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  21. You could have many boys hanging around if you willing to sell yourself.
    I know you respect yourself and so you are looking for serious and productive constructive relationship and the time has not come yet

    Mehta

    ReplyDelete
  22. Girls who are immature may have to date 100 guys before one person tie the knot.
    Mature girls wait till the right person comes on the right time.
    I admire you for your personality and being more mature and credible. Trust me I do not dare myself to ask you out as I do believe you deserve a better person as educated and as mature and honest as you.

    Clorado

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    Replies
    1. I agree with Clorado despite I am going to be a famous politician but as you may recall I am 360 pounds and my waist is 117 and I have large breasts and my BMI is 46.
      However I am very healthy and happy and have excellent self esteem.

      Jack

      Delete
  23. I am much worse than Jack and Clorado.I dated many girls and I was harsh and abusive and all of them left me because I was trouble maker but I learnt a lot from this blog and I owe you the new ME.
    I am a different person now and I give you all the credit .
    I wish you the person that you deserve.
    I assure you ,I quit alcohol for good and my behaviours and attitude much better.

    Carlos

    ReplyDelete
  24. First I want to thank you as you helped me one year ago when I was still struggling low self esteem remembering my peers teasing and bulleying me about"growing breasts"
    I am also 18 now and never had any date and I will not expect this in the near future as I am not appealing to girls even I am 5 feet 10 inches and I am not fat ,I am only 170 Ibs but I am bigger in middle of my chest and middle of my tummy.I do have nice hair and big moustache.
    I am improving my self esteem and self confidenece and I will focus on my future and I have great hope that I will meet a girl that accept me as me for who I am ..


    Kapoor

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  25. I will never marry.I would like live as a sigle man.I think my anger and behaviours and attitude that is keep changing hard for any woman to stand.
    I do not want to be unfair by having a poor woman has to handle my anger.

    You Marina taught me a lot of skills through your tips here on this blog and I am using them and I am better and still have to work hard to maintain the changes I have made before I will decide to get married


    Hamza

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  26. I am in support of tradiional marriage like Marina
    I will wait as long as it takes till I meet the one that I feel can live with me the rest of my life ,can tolerate my weakness and can brag with my kindness and live with little money.

    Gangji

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  27. I am 16 year old and I has had mild treated AN and now my body is normal and my eating is normal and mood is happy and I am looking forward to finish my school and graduate before I will seek attention of any girl.

    Piush

    ReplyDelete
  28. The man who is very lucky will knock on your door.
    Any one will be fortunate to have you as her better half.
    May God bless you.


    Shady

    ReplyDelete
  29. There is no doubt that those who date at younger age than 25 will end up breaking their hearts more than once and may come to conclusion that better to wait till you meet the mature person who is serious about having a relationship.

    Sally

    ReplyDelete
  30. As you may know I have one daughter and I am single for 15 years now.
    I am happy since I got to know you on this post and since my daughter is progressing well thanks to you.
    I do not mind living as asingle mother but also I would be happy if I met the mature and responsible person.

    Thanks Marina

    JP ,A thankful mother

    ReplyDelete

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