Then...you guessed it, ED came along. I stopped wearing jeans because I couldn't find any that didn't fall off my hips. For around six years, I wore sweat pants all the time.
Last week I went shopping and decided to buy a pair of jeans - just in case I would need them. Today, I wore them all day. It was weird. I never wanted to wear jeans ever again because that was what I was wearing when my childhood crush called me fat. That teasing has scarred me for so long. And yet, today, I gathered enough courage to wear jeans again.
It sounds silly, but it was actually hard to do. At first, I felt that they were too tight. But then I realized that they were in fact just the right size - but that voice in my head told me that I looked fat. I ignored it. But I felt restricted. I felt that my stomach would roll over and expand. I felt that my thighs were moving around. It was hard to breathe. Simply put, wearing jeans after six years was challenging. To top that off, I felt insecure about my weight and how high it has gotten since I started recovery.
But I wore the jeans to school all day. At the end of the day, I really felt as though I had accomplished something important. After six years, I had the strength to put on a pair of jeans. Although I felt heavy and ugly, I still wore them. I have gained more than 50 pounds since I was very ill, but I still wore those jeans. Mission accomplished.
It's hard to do this all the time. It seeks that everyday, I am fighting for my well-being. I have to resist the feelings that I am fat and ugly. I have to ignore thoughts that I look hideous and am useless. I have to eat despite feeling full. I have to convince myself that I am beautiful simply because I am God's daughter. But it's difficult to be strong all the time. Sometimes I want to take a break and ignore everything around me. Burt at the end of the day, I look back and realize what I have done. I conquered this eating disorder and recovered. I have a blog that is popular, I have done interviews, and I write for NEDIC and other blogs. I eat even though I don't want to. I wear jeans when when I feel fat. Man, I work hard! And it's nice to list these accomplishments - they remind me of why I am fighting each day. They remind me of why life is beautiful. They show me that, with love from others, support, strength, God's guidance, and motivation, I can follow my dreams and live my life to the fullest.
Today, I wore jeans for the first time in six years. And I survived. What will tomorrow bring? I don't know. But I know that I'm ready to fight.