Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Jeans!

I used to love wearing jeans - they were the most comfy pants ever!

Then...you guessed it, ED came along. I stopped wearing jeans because I couldn't find any that didn't fall off my hips. For around six years, I wore sweat pants all the time. 

Last week I went shopping and decided to buy a pair of jeans - just in case I would need them. Today, I wore them all day. It was weird. I never wanted to wear jeans ever again because that was what I was wearing when my childhood crush called me fat. That teasing has scarred me for so long. And yet, today, I gathered enough courage to wear jeans again. 

It sounds silly, but it was actually hard to do. At first, I felt that they were too tight. But then I realized that they were in fact just the right size - but that voice in my head told me that I looked fat. I ignored it. But I felt restricted. I felt that my stomach would roll over and expand. I felt that my thighs were moving around. It was hard to breathe. Simply put, wearing jeans after six years was challenging. To top that off, I felt insecure about my weight and how high it has gotten since I started recovery. 

But I wore the jeans to school all day. At the end of the day, I really felt as though I had accomplished something important. After six years, I had the strength to put on a pair of jeans. Although I felt heavy and ugly, I still wore them. I have gained more than 50 pounds since I was very ill, but I still wore those jeans. Mission accomplished. 

It's hard to do this all the time. It seeks that everyday, I am fighting for my well-being. I have to resist the feelings that I am fat and ugly. I have to ignore thoughts that I look hideous and am useless. I have to eat despite feeling full. I have to convince myself that I am beautiful simply because I am God's daughter. But it's difficult to be strong all the time. Sometimes I want to take a break and ignore everything around me. Burt at the end of the day, I look back and realize what I have done. I conquered this eating disorder and recovered. I have a blog that is popular, I have done interviews, and I write for NEDIC and other blogs. I eat even though I don't want to. I wear jeans when when I feel fat. Man, I work hard! And it's nice to list these accomplishments - they remind me of why I am fighting each day. They remind me of why life is beautiful. They show me that, with love from others, support, strength, God's guidance, and motivation, I can follow my dreams and live my life to the fullest.
 
Today, I wore jeans for the first time in six years. And I survived. What will tomorrow bring? I don't know. But I know that I'm ready to fight. 

29 comments:

  1. This is the greatest benefit of complete recovery is to fight for your happiness, enjoyment ,success and long life

    Mary
    Mississauga

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  2. Fantastic!!
    You faced and confronted your fear head on.
    You won
    Congratulations
    It is very important for all of us to get rid of any remains of fears that ED used to blackmail us.

    I take my hats off for you

    Recovered ED victim

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  3. Congratulations for going on your journey of recovery and announcing out loud "Mission Accomplished"

    WOW

    Maritza

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  4. If Marina not able to face the challenges ,no one is.
    You did !!!
    You won
    You succeed and you hit ED strong and hard

    My heartfelt congratulations


    Lenus

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  5. Marina
    You making me so happy
    What a change !!
    If you were forced not to wear jeans by the monster and now you are doing it, you are striking a big blow to ED that he will never recover from it.
    This is an accomplish to Marina, Me and Nana all ED victims present and past.
    This is a victory to NEDIC and all health care hones workers who helping ED victims

    Wow
    Continue to lead Marina

    I am so proud of you and thankful to you


    Anne

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  6. I am for one very impressed with your perseverance.
    You are so determined that nothing can stop you for doing things you believe in.

    Way to go


    Cindrella

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  7. I was about to cry when I read this.
    Marina you are amazing person.
    You are so strong and so compassionate at same time.
    You are so tough to be broken and so kind to be loved.
    You are adorable
    I love you same as my daughter..

    JP
    A thankful mother

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  8. I feel you can be shrewd politician.\
    Once you put your mind to any thing ,you will do it.
    Here you go m
    Cheers
    Thumbs up Marina

    Jack

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  9. I love the jeans picture and I admire your determination.

    Liviana

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  10. Your tireless efforts to continue to eradicate serious disease is noticeable and admirable


    Matylda

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  11. Marina you are so strong and an inspiration to many of ED's victims. I'm so happy that you were able to wear jeans and tune out ED thoughts. You rock girl! I hope that someday I can beat this too.

    Calli

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  12. If I were you, I would count all my accomplishments every day .If you forget one or two, all of us (your friends on the web) can remind you especially Mary from Mississauga)

    Keep up

    Lillian

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  13. You are a GEM(all of us agree)
    You making difference and set an example and role model for every body on how to endorse good change when needed and how to face the challenges one at a time

    Zak

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  14. Every day I feel more and more proud of you.
    I wish I have known you for long time
    You are my Arabic hero

    Mays

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  15. I also take my hat off for you.
    You have been maintaining your accomplishment and set a high standard of perseverance

    Rodica

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  16. You showed me how We can learn from our past and how can we make a better future
    WOW MARINA WOM


    Jenn
    Welland

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  17. Same here
    I am admiring you accomplishment and I urge you to keep up with excellence in conquering the terrible disease
    You are a role model for every person with chronic disease
    Yahoo


    Shishgeri

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  18. I choose just to do blind weights and don't even know my weight. i think it is better that way.

    JENN :)

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  19. You are changing the course and outcome of a fatal and serious mental health disease .
    How hopeful for patients, families and communities to know recovery and happy life is real and can be done without hospital or clinic.
    That is a big WOW

    Kelly W

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  20. Time will tell that you restored and regained all what ED took from you and also supported others to achieve the same

    Sandra D

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  21. I congratulate you for all the accomplishments one after another

    Anastashia

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  22. Excellent job
    I congratulate you for all the achievements
    regards

    S K

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  23. You are a rock
    You are able to beat all the ED thoughts
    You are inspirational to many .

    kadisha

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  24. I enjoy my jeans on my week end
    Please wear jeans and enjoy life to the fullest
    You deserve

    Hend

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  25. I am your colleague and I am very pleased to hear you making steps forwards

    This is wonderful

    Maritza

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  26. Enjoy the jeans Marina
    You deserve all the fun
    Bumper yourself

    Irina

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  27. Can you post your picture wearing the jeans
    I am sure We all will like it.

    Savana

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  28. The picture of the jeans looks nice and would be even better when you wear them

    pierrettte

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  29. I am happy for your happiness.

    Keep up the good work

    Hamza

    ReplyDelete

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