One year ago on June 21, I was discharged from the hospital. I remember being thrilled that I was leaving (finally!), but I was also scared. What would happen next? Would my life actually return to normal again? My parents were scared that I would not do well outside the hospital, so they were worried that I would get sick again. And they had a right to feel this way, of course. I was not so sure myself if recovery would be possible.
I got out of the hospital with a plan: I was going to do well. But this was easier said than done. Eating was still very challening. I was on the waiting list for an inpatient ED progra,m, which I was not thrilled about. The first month at home was challening. It was full of fights with my parents about how much food was enough, how much I should weigh, who would weigh me, etc. It was not fun, to say the least. I was still in a phase where I did not really know what I had to do for my body. Then, a month later, I got called into the inpatient program. I have already written posts about that, so there is no need to be redunant. Suffice to say, I completed a month in the program until I felt that it was my time to go. I left the program knowing that I would do well outside because I was determined.
I have no regrets whatsoever. I am often asked if I wished that I entered the program before I got so sick and ended up in the ICU. To be honest, I do not think that I would have ever gone into the program for help if I had not gotten so sick. ED fooled me into thinking that I was fine, and I never really saw the what 'big deal' was about if I did not eat. Now, I am not reccomending this to others. Acutally, if you need help, I think that you should not wait. Get it now. But in my experience, I have no regrets. I know that God worked out everything for my good. Perhaps making me have the experience in the ICU showed me how bad my condition was, and it made me realize that I needed to eat and be healthy if I planned on living a happy life.
A year later, I am eating all my meals. I no longer fight with my parents about what to eat, because this is MY job. I know what to eat, how much, and when. I ask my parents for groceries, and sometimes, they make my meals for me. But there are no arguements, becaus I have taken the responsibility for my well-being. This is a BIG change from how life was before. In fact, now I can safely say that ED is almost gone. I rarely, if ever, get thoughts from ED. Of course, I still have days when I feel fat or ugly. But I don't have them often. And although I feel full after meals, I know that this too will take time. I am blessed to have survived such a hard journey and to have benefitted and learned from my experiences. It is amazing how much God can teach us through our hardships.
Think about a hard time that you have recently experienced. It probably felt terrible and scarey. But, if you can think about the outcome now, I am sure you will be able to find something good that came out of it. Maybe you became wiser, stronger, smarter, braver, or kinder. Maybe you learned something new. Or maybe you helped others through your experience. My dad always tells me that tough times never last. And my mom always tells me that what does not break you makes you stronger. They are indeed right. These two phrases are words to live by - I am proof of that.
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