When I was in grade eight, I discovered make-up. I was so amused by the fact that girls could use this stuff to make themselves look 'pretty'. It amazed me. I wanted to learn how to use it, and I wanted to use it everyday. So I did.
For me, putting on make-up as a teen was for 'fun'. It was not because I wanted to look good for anyone - I simply wanted to do what others did, and it seemed wonderful that I could actually be creative with it!
As ED moved in, however, this joy of applying make-up disappeared. I did not want to look good. I did not care how I looked. I hardly wanted to wake up and do anything, let alone take time to put on make-up. So I didn't. I hardly cared what I looked like: what clothes I wore, what I put on my face, what I did with my hair, etc.
Why even BOTHER to look good? No one even recgonizes you. You are fat and ugly. There is no point in even trying to make yourself appear 'pretty'. Make-up? Why?! You look terrible! Buy new clothes? For what - you will still look ugly and fat.
Recovering from ED has been a challenge. But I think one thing that is still difficult for me is that I feel as though perhaps I SHOULD use my make-up, like all the other girls my age. I should care about how I look. Not for anyone else - but simply for myself. I deserve to look pretty. I have all the means to do so. So why shouldn't I?
I think it is partially because I am lazy. I do not want to use extra time in my day to put on make-up, take it off at night, etc. It is simply too much work. But the other part of me really wants to use all this 'girly' stuff' because - well, I AM a girl. I deserve to pamper myself.
It will take some time to get used to. I have actually put on sticky notes in my room, reminding me that I deserve to use make-up and look good. It is not because I want to stand out to others. It is more because I want to start caring more about myself. I want to feel like a girly girl again - ask anyone about my years as a teen, and they will tell you that I was the most 'girly girl' you would ever know!
It is really hard. I do not necessarily like doing it, but I know that this is ED. He is trying to make me ignore myself again, to make me feel as though I do not deserve anything good. So my way of fighting him is to do just the opposite. It takes time to get used to doing this. But I can now recognize that it is something I need to do.