One year ago - exactly one year on April 27, 2012 - I was admitted into the ER because I was dying. I was severely malnourished. My parents drove me to the ER, not knowing what would happen. All they knew was that I was sick and needed help right away. I, on the other hand, was far from pleased. I was angry. How could they take me to the hospital? They hated me, didn't they? They were the worst parents in the world for abandoning me and making me go to the ER.
I got into the ER and sat for about five minutes until I was admited. The nurse weighed me, and stared at the scale. When she told me my weight, I shrugged. So what? I knew that I was skinny. DUH! That was the whole point of starving myself. I was angry to be there. When I got admitted, I just thought that all it would take was a few days to eat, and then the hospital would let me go.
Little did I know how much damage was going on inside of me. Blood work was taken, and my results were horrible. Sodium, potassium, and glucose were low, meaning that I was starving. Urea and creatinine were sky high, indicating kidney failure and dehydration. Hemoglobin was terribly low, meaning that I had very little blood left in me. An ECG was done, and it showed that my heart was failing. I remember the doctor coming in to me in the ER and telling me, 'I'm going to keep you here for a while. You are very sick. I'm also calling in the eating disorder team'.
WHAT?! HOW DARE HE?! I was not sick enough to need hospitalization for ED. This doctor was clearly out of his mind. And my parents? Oh man. I was SO angry with them that I refused to talk to them. I vowed to never forgive them. I hated them for taking me to the hospital.
And so began my journey with ED in the hospital. I won't get into detail, because all of my story is posted in the first few posts on my blog. This post will not review all those terrible events. This post is meant for me to reflect on how far I have come.
One year ago, I was dying. I was starving. I was underweight. I hated my parents for taking me to the hospital.
One year later, today, I am living. I am eating. I am weight restored. I love my parents because they are the strongest people I know. I am eating my meals as scheduled - and enough. I am smiling, singing, studying, and laughing. I am enjoying my time with my family and friends. I am living my life like any other girl should.
A year makes a big difference. I honestly thought I would never get out of the hospital. Especially when I went into the ICU with dialysis, kidney failure, a failing heart, a breathing tube, multiple IVs, pneumonia, etc. But today, I am well and healthy, thank God. All of my organs are miraculously better - no lasting damage. I am home with my loving family. I am able to continue my nursing degree at my university. I am an international writer for NEDIC, and I have my blog that has been recognized by many prestigious organizations. WOW. What a difference a year makes.
I want to take this chance to say 'thank you' to my parents and sister. When they admitted me to the hospital, I said some pretty mean things to them. I was just so scared and angry that they had taken me away from home to the hospital that I told them I hated them. But I did not mean it. I was just so scared and frustrated. The truth is, I love them to death. They never left my side when I was in the hospital. Even when I was in the ICU and unconcious, they still stayed with me. They prayed for me, having faith that God would give me life again. MOM, DAD, and NANSY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! You guys are the strength and power that kept me going, that gave me life again, that made God look down on me and renew my life. I will forever be in debt to you all for what you have done for me. You three have showed me that pure, unconditional love is a powerful thing.
To me, this one year anniversary marks an important date in my life. I look at myself today and think that I am doing a pretty good job. I may not be free of ED, but I am stronger. I still get thoughts from ED, my body image and self-esteem are not great, but I am eating and healthy. I might not feel hungry, but I can still make myself eat what I need to. No one needs to tell me to eat. ED might still tell me mean things and try to make me fall, but I have the upper hand now. I am not ashamed to tell my story to the world because I believe that God has put me through this experience in order to help others and to show that recovery from ED is possible - no matter how sick one may be.
Thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who comments, and who supports me - both here and in life. You are all so wonderful. I cannot say it enough. Without everyone's love and support, I would not be here today. God bless all of you for the service and care you show to me.
To those suffering with ED, I pray that this gives you hope. Recovery is possible. I never thought that I would ever eat again, but here I am! I never thought that I would live, but I survived! I fought, and with the help of my family and the power of God, I am free. I am in recovery. Glory to God!
One year ago, I was starving myself to death. ED was in control. I was dying.
One year later, I am eating my way through life. I am in control. I am alive.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phillipians 4:13).