Wednesday, 10 April 2013


This post is about why I DO NOT post information about my weight (numbers), food amounts, or pictures of myself. I have had many people ask me to do so, so I think now is a good time to explain why I do not do this.

First, it will not benefit readers or myself to discuss my weight. My weight is restored, and that is all that is important. I am trying my best not to focus on the number because this just strengthens ED. For those of you who are suffering with ED and want to know my weight, I believe that this will only strengthen your ED as well. When I was very sick, I used to compare my weight with others who were sick. This only made ED more competitive, telling me that I was not thin and thus not as sick as other people - making me only sicker by the second.

Now, the food. It is very hard for me to post about my food because I do not want to focus on it. I'm eating all my meals, and enough. But what I eat is different than what others will need, maybe I need less, or maybe I need more. So, posting my meal plan will not benefit anyone either. If you are ill and need advice on what to eat, please see a dietitian or doctor. They know your body's needs and can help with this. When I was ill, I too wanted to know how others with ED ate. But this made ED worse, as I used to compare how much (less) I ate. If I ate more than others, I felt fat and ED made me feel terrible. If I ate less, ED pushed me to eat even less than others so that I would be the 'stronger' anorexic.

It is pretty clear why I do not post pictures, but I will address this anyways. First, the internet is a public place, and I would never post my own pictures in such an insecure place. That is when problems begin to rise. We need to be smart with what we do on the computer. Next, no one really needs to know how I look now. I am healthy and weight restored. Seeing my pictures will not help anyone ill with ED. When I was sick, I too wanted to see other's recovery pictures. ED told me that this would motivate me. WRONG! The truth was, ED made me compare myself to others. If I was smaller than them, ED told me that I had to keep starving myself so that I would always be the smallest one. If I was bigger, ED told me that I was fat and that I had to restrict even more.

I hope this cleared things up a bit. In no way do I mean to be rude or harsh, but I do not believe any of the above information about me/my recovery will help anyone. Now, if you want to know about my favourite foods, I am more than happy to share. But my intake? No. My pictures? Sorry. My weight? Not happening. Why? Because this only strengthens ED. ED is all about being the SMALLEST one and the one who eats the LEAST and weights the LOWEST. When given a chance, ED makes his victims compare themselves to others, making us think that we want to get better and so are seeking this information for motvation. The truth is (sadly) that ED takes these chances as moments to make us fall deeper into ED.

You can never win with ED.

If you are eating more than others, you are a fat pig. If you are eating less, you need to eat even less so you can be the smallest. If you are bigger than others, you are too fat. If you are thinner, you need to start restricting more or else you will become fatter.

This is why ED is so trickey and cunning. Thankfully, I am out of this phase of ED and am now able to reflect back on my experiences and see that this is what ED is all about. I posted this because I want to help those of you who are ill. I know some sufferers will read this post and think 'No, she is wrong. That is NOT what my ED is telling me'. I thought like that, too. But I was wrong. You never know how sick you are until something terrible happens - like when I nearly died in the ICU. For some, this may be too late. I am lucky and blessed that I had another chance to live. Please, for those of you who are ill, get help. This is coming from someone who suffered severely from ED (my first posts tell my story in detail). For those of you without ED, I hope this post sheds some light on how terrible and deceptive ED is. And so now you all know why I do not post pictures, my meal plan, or my weight/caloric intake. It is simply too triggering for some people. And it does not help me. Or anyone else. The only one it helps is ED - because ED wants to make us all miserable.


  1. I agree ED is very competitive and decetive and can use the number to push his agenda .
    At least in early recovery ,you need to focus on getting enough nutrition.
    Later on when you are in control ,this may be o k as you need to get normal BMI


  2. Every body having ED or not is different and the kind and amount of foods required is different from one to another and from day to day depend on the medical condition.Even doctors get the advise and recommendations of registered dietitians.


  3. ED competes only to more restriction and heading his victim to death is his target.Do not expect ED wants to know the amount of food to make his victim feel eating less.
    No matter how less you are eating ED wants you be more competitive and basically eat nothing.


  4. I agree with Marina,telling us about numbers and what and how to eat ,sizes may inflame Ed in vulnerable victims .
    On the other hand strong recovered persons are now strong enough to challenge and not gone get decieved by ED deception.
    So Marina enough you tell us your personal ordeal with ED and how much hurt you and robbed many years of your happy life.Also enough you give us hints from your experience how you got control over him.
    I can see now ED is under your feet and behind your back and has no say on your life .

    Thanks for sharing all this with us.


  5. You blog in general and this post in particular illustrayte how ED hurt and even kill through his deception and manipulation.
    You are a life example that ED can be conquered and victims can recover.
    I agree with you posting these information can hurt victims who are not recovered completely yet.ED can make use of this and decieve them and lead them from one slippery slope to next.

    Kelly W

  6. I agree with you Marina.


  7. Nop
    No pictures
    No personal info as your weight ,size of food
    I agree with you Marina


  8. how did u stop self harming?


    1. Grace, I have never self-harmed. But if you want, I can write a post about it. Let me know. God bless!

    2. It would be very helpful if you write about self harming behaviours in general and ED in particular.
      Marina ,I completely agree with you posting personal info other (than your ,how much ED hurt you and what did you learn) ,will not help any body.

      Keep up the excellent work

      With my humble respect

      Psychology student
      Almost there

  9. yes, please write a post about self harm

    1. I will do so, Grace! My next post, God willing!

  10. Grace
    Starving self in ED is one main criteria of ED but not in itself self harming behaviours as ED victims not aware that they are doing self harm by restriction and starving.In fact they are misled by ED telling them starving is more benificail and helpful to them and becuase ED in control his domains always prevail.
    On the other hand victims of borderline personality disorder ,they self harm as by cutting hands etc and they are aware of it and they trade of physical pain for emotional pain.


  11. I agree with Mohammed cutting is one of the self harming or self mutilation behaviour that is most committed by those with borderline personality disorder (not trait).They claim it relieves their emotional pains.
    I enocourage those who self hram to get psychotherapy as CBT or DBT(they can hook on one of the websites and self teach ,as moodgym,e-couch,anxiety bc,canmat etc).
    I also agree with Marina ,seeing at least a family doctor and psychiatrist to have a plan of action.

    Medical student

  12. Well self-harm is common among people with ED. I am sure Marina can clarify that and maybe add some journal article references. I think borderline personality is common among people with ED particularly bulimia nervosa

    I am sure since marina was in ED treatment she knows 1st hand that a lot of people with ED struggle with self harm


  13. I think you did talk about this in your blkog Marina but let me emphasize the fact that majority of ED victims have many other co-morbidity as history of abuse ,emotional or physical or sexual ,post traumatic stress,borderline personality disorders to mention a few.
    Marina never mentioned she was self harming herself .She is a strong believer and very motivated .
    I believe Marina is a motivator,supportor and a leader who can help others .



  14. One subject i would love to see marina write about is diabulimia.

    It is a form of ENDOS or bulimia nervosa depending on the individual traits. Many type 1 diabetics like me suffer from ED. I have restrictive AN and was treated without ever going inpatient. I am in recovery but i struggle everyday. There is no inpatient treatment for diabetics with ED in Ontario, but there is inpatient treatment in the USA

    You inspire me to want to write a blog since so that type 1 diabetics like me are suffering with ED. Because we have to focus on food so much to control our diabetes it is a dangerous mix for some girls with diabetes like me

    I don’t have any choice but to weigh and measure my food and count carbohydrates. So it is a daily struggle for me

    wearing an insulin pump also affects my body image

    Here is some info from NEDA
    Much love, Sarah

    1. Sarah I have heard about diabulimiaI'm sorry you are suffering. I will post about this soon - I just need to organize my information! Keep fighting

  15. I am sorry Sarah you are suffering twice once on how to control diabetes by looking at foods and counting calories and how many calories match 1 unit of insulin etc.
    It is tough when you suffers 2 conflicting diseases.
    If you want treat ED ,you need to work on getting more nutrition and ignoring counting,calories ,carbs etc.
    It is my personal opinion that both ED and Diabetes despite very difficult can be controlled .
    If I were you I will put much emphasis on caring for ED and making sure in control.
    I hope none of ED or diabetic victims do any self harming behaviour.I beleive this add to their misery
    I pray for you


    1. Yes, I have to count carbohydrates. I need to take 1 unit of insulin for every 15 grams of carbohydrate for any food I eat.
      When I am at home I weigh and measure my food. I have to do this to dose my insulin.

      I have had type 1 diabetes since I was 3 years old.


    2. This must be hard for you Sarah .
      I wonder if counting,weighing,calculating inflames ED?


    3. Sarah I am sure you are on topof this ," making sure your blood sugar will not go low."
      I heard a lot of cases when diabetic people get hypoglycemic coma and some die without notice from it.
      Sarah insulin and ED are high risk for hypoglycemia.
      Please check your sugar when you feel weak,dizzy,lightheaded,fatigue ,sweaty,racing heart and eat something ASAP to protect your brain.
      There are several studies showed hypoglycemia can casue serious and perminent brain damage.
      I am also asking Marina to consider post on Hypoglycemia ,warning signs and how to prevent it in ED


    4. Thank you for your kind words. I do think weighing and measuring food does inflame ED.

      ED is almost twice as common in women with type 1 diabetes

      there are a lot of type 1 diabetics with ED on the internet, but I have to be careful what I read so I don’t get triggered

      a lot of type 1’s with ED manipulate their insulin dose to lose weight. I try not to be triggered into doing that.

      When I restricted I had a lot of severe hypoglycemia.

      People really don’t understand eating disorders, I have to fight everyday to stay healthy by testing my blood sugar and managing my insulin pump (changing the infusion set, bolusing etc), and then I have to work hard to convince myself to eat enough.

      when i calculate my insulin bolus for my meal. if the amount of insulin is high I feel like I am greedy and a pig

      in ED treatment they don’t even allow artificial sweeteners or diet pop. Well those are the only type of pop or sweeteners I can have.

      I have to fight for my own recovery because there is no outside help for me

      I feel like people see me as fat, or that I am fat. I am not overweight, but I have BDD


  16. I give a lot of Credit to Sarah for continuing helping and treating herself from AN and also control diabetes.
    I give thumb up to Marina for after very short admision to hospital ,she has been not only maintaining her recovery but taking on responsibility to help others.
    I see Marina has gained publicity and many many more will ask her questions and advise. This is the benifits of complete recovery.When you cup is full ,will spread to others.If your cup is empty ,you can not help thirsty people.
    You Marina making a big difference

    May God bless you


  17. How complicated this ED disease.
    I hear many medical terms ,expressions,explainations.
    Oh boy
    I hope no one has to suffer this disease.
    I pray for all of you,Marina,Sarah,Grace,Angela,Anne,Gerry,Kapoor ,and all others .
    I think(correct me if I am wrong Marina) We really do not have accurate statistics on this disease.Some say half persent(relative to obesity 20-30%)
    I think because ED victims are in denial and hide their illness to the extreme last stage ,that is why it is underestimated.

    High school teacher

  18. Reading your blog help me to be thankful.
    I have my own problems too but relative to you guys,I have to be thankful
    You also may have to be thankful if you learn about others suffering.

    Keep hope,make a difference ,shine the light,never curse the darkness,just lit a candle


  19. I learnt a lot about ED and DE from your blog,I will use all the tips to protect myself and my family from both
    Thank you Marina


  20. Would you ever consider becoming a psychiatrist? You really seem to understand and know how to tackle eating disorders?

    1. Thank you! I have never thought of it, but I am honoured that you have suggested this! I do not know where exactly my future is going, but I pray and hope that God will strengthen me to use my experiences and knowledge to help others - in whatever way He deems fit.
      God bless you!

  21. Good for you. So many people say that I don't look healthy WHEN BMI wise I am. Just out of curiosity, do you consider healthy a BMI of 20? Doctors always insist this, and I think that my body isn't built for this weight. I get my period, so I would say i am healthy.

    1. Hello,
      I am no expert, but I hate BMI. HATE IT! Someone can have an eating disorder if they are at a healthy or high or low BMI. I know people with a very high BMI that are healthy. I also people with a normally low BMI who are healthy. Your doctor can tell you if you are healthy or not - I can't. All I can say is that BMI is not accurate; it does not take into account many differences and factors. That being said, a healthy BMI is usually what is used to determine if people with ED are healthy or not because that may be all they have. In my case, it was a healthy weight, normal blood work, restoration of eating patterns, normal organ function, etc. Health, in my opinion, is more than one number.

  22. hi,
    i have a question about maintenance calories, recovery calories, etc. is this appropriate to ask?


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