This post is about why I DO NOT post information about my weight (numbers), food amounts, or pictures of myself. I have had many people ask me to do so, so I think now is a good time to explain why I do not do this.
First, it will not benefit readers or myself to discuss my weight. My weight is restored, and that is all that is important. I am trying my best not to focus on the number because this just strengthens ED. For those of you who are suffering with ED and want to know my weight, I believe that this will only strengthen your ED as well. When I was very sick, I used to compare my weight with others who were sick. This only made ED more competitive, telling me that I was not thin and thus not as sick as other people - making me only sicker by the second.
Now, the food. It is very hard for me to post about my food because I do not want to focus on it. I'm eating all my meals, and enough. But what I eat is different than what others will need, maybe I need less, or maybe I need more. So, posting my meal plan will not benefit anyone either. If you are ill and need advice on what to eat, please see a dietitian or doctor. They know your body's needs and can help with this. When I was ill, I too wanted to know how others with ED ate. But this made ED worse, as I used to compare how much (less) I ate. If I ate more than others, I felt fat and ED made me feel terrible. If I ate less, ED pushed me to eat even less than others so that I would be the 'stronger' anorexic.
It is pretty clear why I do not post pictures, but I will address this anyways. First, the internet is a public place, and I would never post my own pictures in such an insecure place. That is when problems begin to rise. We need to be smart with what we do on the computer. Next, no one really needs to know how I look now. I am healthy and weight restored. Seeing my pictures will not help anyone ill with ED. When I was sick, I too wanted to see other's recovery pictures. ED told me that this would motivate me. WRONG! The truth was, ED made me compare myself to others. If I was smaller than them, ED told me that I had to keep starving myself so that I would always be the smallest one. If I was bigger, ED told me that I was fat and that I had to restrict even more.
I hope this cleared things up a bit. In no way do I mean to be rude or harsh, but I do not believe any of the above information about me/my recovery will help anyone. Now, if you want to know about my favourite foods, I am more than happy to share. But my intake? No. My pictures? Sorry. My weight? Not happening. Why? Because this only strengthens ED. ED is all about being the SMALLEST one and the one who eats the LEAST and weights the LOWEST. When given a chance, ED makes his victims compare themselves to others, making us think that we want to get better and so are seeking this information for motvation. The truth is (sadly) that ED takes these chances as moments to make us fall deeper into ED.
You can never win with ED.
If you are eating more than others, you are a fat pig. If you are eating less, you need to eat even less so you can be the smallest. If you are bigger than others, you are too fat. If you are thinner, you need to start restricting more or else you will become fatter.
This is why ED is so trickey and cunning. Thankfully, I am out of this phase of ED and am now able to reflect back on my experiences and see that this is what ED is all about. I posted this because I want to help those of you who are ill. I know some sufferers will read this post and think 'No, she is wrong. That is NOT what my ED is telling me'. I thought like that, too. But I was wrong. You never know how sick you are until something terrible happens - like when I nearly died in the ICU. For some, this may be too late. I am lucky and blessed that I had another chance to live. Please, for those of you who are ill, get help. This is coming from someone who suffered severely from ED (my first posts tell my story in detail). For those of you without ED, I hope this post sheds some light on how terrible and deceptive ED is. And so now you all know why I do not post pictures, my meal plan, or my weight/caloric intake. It is simply too triggering for some people. And it does not help me. Or anyone else. The only one it helps is ED - because ED wants to make us all miserable.