Thursday, 24 October 2013

Goodbye, ED!

As requested, here is a letter to ED - but this time, about how he is no longer a place in my life. I hope this encourages those who suffer, or those who know victims of ED. If you do not struggle with ED, try switching 'ED' in this letter to whatever your problem is - school, stress, drugs, alcohol, an addiction, etc. It feels freeing to be able to stand up to your problem and take control!

ED,
You have plagued for me a long time, perhaps for about seven years. When I was ill, you made me believe that you could make things better. That not eating and starving would stop people from teasing me and from making rude comments about my body. You made me think that starvation would make me look thinner and thus stop people from hurting my feelings. And sadly, I listened. I feel into your trap and I become very sick. Over the course of seven years, I became your slave. I ate very little food and lost weight. But each time I lost weight, it was never enough. You wanted me to lose more and more, to eat less and less. I did. Until I got so sick that I needed medical attention. I was dying, but I was blinded by you. The pressure you put on me to lose weight and not eat was unbearable. Food became the enemy, and anyone who told me to eat was also an enemy. You made me lie to my loved ones, pretending that I ate or was not hungry. But inside, the pain was real. I was hungry, but I could not eat for fear that I would gain weight. It was hard for me to help people understand why I was struggling because it made no sense: why couldn't I simply 'eat'?! But people did not know, ED, how mean you were to me. If I thought of eating just one more thing, you would haunt me, telling me that I was terrible. You would remind me of how people used to tease me, and you threatened that eating would make this all come back.

I nearly lost my life because of you. I spent months in the hospital, too sick to do anything. My organs failed, my heart was weak, and I needed urgent care. I was in the ICU for about one month and a half, not aware of anything around me. Meanwhile, all who loved me suffered, not knowing if I would make it out alive. You probably were happy, ED, that I was dying. It would be one more victiory for you, another life that you would have claimed. Another girl who innocently wanted to lose weight and look better, gone because of your torture. I do not know how I survived. All I know is that the prayers of all my family and friends, along with God working through His powers and His people, got me through. I made it out of the ICU, all my organs working properly. But this made you angry. You could not leave me alone now that I had survived. You wanted to fight me more, to make me ill once again. Once I got out of the hospital, you continued to threaten that I would become fat. You made it so hard to eat, each time reminding me of how much weight I would gain.

But I pushed through. I did not let you take over my life once again. With the support and love of my family, friends, and God, I ate. I fed myself, looking at the clock to see when it was time to eat. I ate, regardless of how full and ill I felt. I chewed through every meal with your taunting voice telling me how weak and useless I was. I watched as the scale went up and as my body changed. I got rid of the old, smaller clothes with tears and hated that I was gaining weight and eating. But inside, I knew that I was doing the right thing. I knew that giving you one more chance could have killed me. So I kept fighting, trying very hard to ignore your teasing and demands. And I still am fighting. I am recovering day by day. Yes, ED, it is still hard. It is difficult to eat when I am not hungry, and it is hard to see that my body is getting bigger. It is uncomfortable for me to feel that I am bigger than before, and to see how much I eat. But when these feelings come, sometimes it helps to remember how much pain you caused me. I suffered for too long under your control. It is time that I take my life back, time to be free and live my life. Recovery is hard work, and you do not make it any easier. But the things in life that matter - my health, school, happiness, family, and my faith - are what keep me going. My life would have been over if I still listened to you. I cannot say that you are out of my life for good, because then I would be lying. But I AM saying that you no longer bother me like before. Yes, you call me fat and make me feel bad for eating and gaining weight. But that is all you can do to me now. You cannot make me lie about food, starve to death, or restrict what I eat. I am stronger now and I have learned all your evil and cunning ways.

Maybe I was lucky to have survived you, but others are not. I know that you still haunt the lives of many girls, boys, men, and women out there. For some, you make them believe that they are not 'sick enough' to get help. For others, you fight them so hard that they feel weak and cannot battle you. And sometimes, you do not have a person as a victim, so you make them feel fat and ugly so that you can make them fall. Well, ED, I have a message for you. These people are not alone! They have people who love them and who care. I pray that they may find hope and strength to get rid of you and recover. I know, of course, that you will always be here. You are, unfortunately, one of the most dangerous illnesses out there. In fact, you kill more people than any other mental illness. But, I also want you to know that recovery is possible. People CAN and DO and WILL get rid of you. Because you make our lives terrible. You plague us and make us feel worthless. And now, we are educated. We are unwilling to let you continue to take away our lives and those lives of whom we love. Together, with education, awareness, prayers, and strength, we will overcome you. If that means gaining weight and eating, then fine. If that means ignoring your harsh comments, we will do it. If that means standing up for ourselves, then we are prepared. Whatever it takes, recovery is possible. It is not easy, but that is because it is a battle. We are up for that challenge. We will succeed.

64 comments:

  1. This is the letter that all of us were waiting for since you left ICU.
    All of us ,not only your self ,your family or close friends but all ED victims ,their families and friends.
    My heartfelt congratulations to you and all of us
    Job well done.

    Mary
    Mississauga

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  2. Marina
    You are opening the window of hope to many many of us who has had any mental health issue and addiction and not only ED.
    I am sure your determination and success to recover is CONTAGIOUS and many others will guide them selves to recovery.

    Jack

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  3. Congratulations.
    I take my hat off for you Marina for winning the most challenging battle one can face .
    You won for my daughter also and for many victims of ED or any other mental health.
    You led the way to recovery not only for your self but for all victims.
    Once again I am thanking you and praying for you.

    JP(a very thankful mother)

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  4. That is the hopeful letter that We are looking for.
    I glad to read it again and again.

    Sally

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  5. This is a big blow to ED.
    You are now in the high power and ED is retreating far away.


    Carlos

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  6. This letter to ED written by Marina on behalf of all ED victims .
    Clear message sent to ED from all of us "We hate you ED .You do not have any place in our life and get the hell out of here.

    Thanks Marina
    I personally share with you every single sentence you wrote him.

    Nanaraj

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  7. Holy!!
    This letter is an award of honour to you Marina .Winning the ED battle deserves the best reward.

    Jenn

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  8. This strong letter clearly telling ED to back off and leave our world with no return.

    Shady

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  9. First my best congratulations to you for announcing that this letter is the end of ED in your life. Second I share with you all the emotions and feelings you articulately describing in the letter. Third this letter is also a message of hope to all those with suffering telling them there is always a good bright end to every suffering.

    Regards
    Anne

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  10. The winning and victory feeling can not be overestimated.
    I urge you to feel proud of the great accomplishment.

    Lillian

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  11. Your self empowerment and recovery is not less than a major breakthrough in medicine.
    Yes there are many people recover from ED as well many will not but your case was very unique is how severe was your case and how low was your BMI(just before death) and how unique was your recovery when done outside hospital at your home only supported by your mom and you took your own responsibility without medical supervision.
    You are great
    I agree with you for advising people seek help as no body can do it alone as you did.
    I also give you a standing ovation!!

    Penny
    Medical student

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  12. I had my family and group of friends today clap for you.
    You deserve

    Sam Ibrahim
    Burnhamthorpe,Miss

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  13. We all love you
    Keep up

    Sandra D

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  14. Clorado is extremely happy with your strong letter to dismiss Ed for ever

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  15. My best congratulations for this hopeful letter.

    Horta

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  16. Hend is very proud of you kicking ED in the butt

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  17. Well written historical letter.

    Gangj

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  18. Very strong letter that you meant every single word you said.

    Rodica

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  19. I read this letter 10 times and I am sending a copy to depression as well as He(depression) abused me for years before my liberation.

    Very proud of you Marina

    Mays

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  20. I am making copies of this letter and I am giving one to my friends who are intertested .

    Sasha

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  21. ED back off of our life

    Blanchette

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  22. I am sure ED hit hard by this letter giving edge up to victims to take control and get rid of him

    Maritza

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  23. Marina
    I am so impressed with this letter and I will pass it on to some of my clients who I believe will benift from it to help them manage thier issues as depression,anxiety ,phobia ,stress ,substance abuse ,abusive relationship etc
    Well done Marina
    Let me thank you
    I happy that you are giving ED a strong and last woarning

    Kelly W
    To

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  24. Very informative letter and you used the wording carfully ,meaningfully and articulately

    Kadisha

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  25. Excellent post

    Anastashia

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  26. what a great letter
    kapoor

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  27. i am so impressed with this letter
    thanks marina
    gerry

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  28. Your determination to destroy ed is remarkable

    mariett

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  29. Very proud of you marina

    Hamza

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  30. this is a strong message to ed and his associates to get the hell out of here

    Eric

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  31. i love this post.
    What a wonderful message

    Shishgeri

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  32. I am very proud of you Marina
    keep up

    Ivanka

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  33. I hope this is the end of ED in our society thanks to your effort and hard work

    Yara

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  34. I am impressed with this strong letter

    Mehta

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  35. Magaly happy with declaring the end of this terrible illness

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  36. Your recovery is hope to many.
    This letter is a cutting end

    Oswaldo

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  37. Happy with this letter

    Juliana

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  38. Your recovery marks the end of ed at least in your city!!!

    jasmeet

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  39. Marina
    what an amazing letter you wrote to declare winning the greatest battle against the monster.
    I am so impressed with it and i will keep it on my favorite and when i will start my practice ,i will quote you.
    This letter can be sent to any serious illness that impacting the normal life of people

    with my humble respect

    Mohammad

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  40. I like this letter
    I congratulate you for showing Ed the big door.

    Pyuish

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  41. I am so happy that you are (at least in my opinion) the strongest person that stood strong and steady in from of ED and his associates and now in complete control

    Sorina

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  42. Marina
    You wrote this letter on behalf of your self but I am sure you also wrote as knowledgeable nursing student and a skillful educator.
    I am sure this letter will motivate many people .
    no doubt you are an adept skillful experienced health care provider and passionate patient advocate

    cj

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  43. I told you that you are really a gem!!!

    lillian

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  44. Well written letter

    Larivierre

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  45. Very articulate meaningful letter.

    Vuk

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  46. God through you is making miracle to cure serious disease as ED,addiction and mental illnesses and even cancer.
    This letter is a hopeful message
    May God bless you

    Sunday priest

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  47. I like this post.

    Madiha

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  48. I am giving you Thumbs up.
    Great job

    Myra

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  49. This is a wonderful letter

    Nisha

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  50. What is better that kicking the butt of ED and driving him away from our country.
    This post is doing that.

    Kathy

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  51. Helena admires you writing and strong message

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  52. Your declaration of complete cure and complete freedom from ED come out in this letter so politely.
    I would like every body to do the same and free themsleves from any chronic disease that can stop the joy of a happy life.

    Jagdipa

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  53. Wonderful letter.
    I am happy you are completely recovered from that seroius illness.
    I know a friend struggling with ED and I will alert her to your blog.

    Manuela

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  54. I am impressed with the letter but more happy with your recovery and accomplishments

    Fernandez

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  55. my congratulations to mission of recovery accomplished .


    Yoganand

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  56. Pleased to hear the closure of the battle to the benefit of all of us .

    Hernandez

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  57. I already sent same letter to my alKi(alcoholism)

    Seerha

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  58. I was abusing Marihuana and I am clean for years and so I sent my letter to Marihuana

    Constance

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  59. Congratulation for closing all doors on ED liberating yourself and others.

    Cameron

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  60. Marina
    It is with great pleasure I congratulate you for exterminating ED from your life. I can tell the hardest year ever in history of ED recovery is the first year. You have now more than one year in recovery and I now I can tell with 100% certain that this monster is over from your life.
    Enjoy the best of life in peace ,harmony and success .
    If you remember all my relapses were within few months of discharge from the treatment program but I still consider my sled lucky to be alive and now almost 7 years in my recovery without one relapse.

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    Replies
    1. Both you and Marina are amazing and an example and role model for many others.
      When I read you blog and I see somebody recovering and hopeful,it fills my heart with joy and motivate me so much

      God bless you Marina for all what you do

      Marisa

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  61. What an amazing blog that people can share feelings and ideas

    Diana

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