Wednesday, 9 October 2013
When I was really ill, I did not feel sick. Yes, I did see that I was skinny, but I never thought that I was THAT thin. I was so weak that I could not walk, but I still denied being ill. ED made many excuses for why I could not be that ill: I was alive, I was breathing, and I was able to do all my tasks normally. So, how could I be sick enough to need hospitalization?
I was doing some research today, and I learned that after a period of starvation, the body can no longer adapt and death occurs. This usually occurs around a BMI of 11 for females or 13 for males, although it can be different (ex. some may die even at a higher BMI).
The day my parents took me to the hospital, I was XXX pounds. At my height, this gave me a BMI of around 11.1. When I learned this the other day, I was shocked. Simply put, I was at the BMI that death occurs. Who knows what would have happened if I did not get to the hospital that day? I could have died any second. Why did I NOT die? Why was I saved, even though my BMI was that low?
I believe in miracles, and I strongly believe that this is what happened to me. At that low of a weight, it is miraculous that I even survived the trip to the hospital! But that day, I did not understand why I was going to get help. ED blinded me to my illness and made mf unaware of how thin and ill I was. I could see that I was dying, that my body was slowly fading and that death was eminent. My parents saw what I could not - that I was wasting away into nothing. Despite my complaints and hateful words, they drove me to get help. Thank God they did. Because if they had not, I likely would not survive.
What is to be learned here? This was an eye-opener for me. I realized how miraculous my survival of ED is. I realized how strong and powerful faith and love is. I had so many people praying for me and by my side. They never gave up hope, even when I did. Now in recovery, I can see how ill I was. I was literally at death's door, and yet, I lived. at the time, I wondered why God allowed me to survive this. I complained that I wanted to die, and that this was all too hard.
Today, life is still hard. It never gets easy - not for me, nor for anyone else. There are always challenges. But when I look at how far I have come, and how God healed me, I can see a purpose for my survival and suffering. Today, I am alive and healthy. I am writing my blog and helping others to the best of my ability. I am fulfilling all my dreams because I have learned that you only live once. I refuse to stop dreaming, praying, and working. I will not let ED or anyone take me down or make me feel inferior or unworthy. I am beautiful, and I am learning to love myself and my body. It all takes time. And this does not mean that my life is amazingly simple now. But it DOES mean that now, I realize how my experience with ED has changed my life. I was literally DYING - at the lowest possible BMI before death.
Yet, God kept me alive - for some reason. Perhaps it was to speak out and raise awareness for ED and mental health. Maybe it was to teach me to love my body and to believe in Him. Whatever the reason, I am thankful because I realize how this has made me stronger. Life is tough, but if you think of how far you have come, you will be thankful for your experiences. At the time, it is always hard to see the bright side - and I am like this as well. But I have seen that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even a thunderstorm runs out of rain and ends. So, in the meantime, grab your umbrella and trudge through. You will survive, just like I did.