Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Close Call

When I was really ill, I did not feel sick. Yes, I did see that I was skinny, but I never thought that I was THAT thin. I was so weak that I could not walk, but I still denied being ill. ED made many excuses for why I could not be that ill: I was alive, I was breathing, and I was able to do all my tasks normally. So, how could I be sick enough to need hospitalization?

I was doing some research today, and I learned that after a period of starvation, the body can no longer adapt and death occurs. This usually occurs around a BMI of 11 for females or 13 for males, although it can be different (ex. some may die even at a higher BMI).

The day my parents took me to the hospital, I was XXX pounds. At my height, this gave me a BMI of around 11.1. When I learned this the other day, I was shocked. Simply put, I was at the BMI that death occurs. Who knows what would have happened if I did not get to the hospital that day? I could have died any second. Why did I NOT die? Why was I saved, even though my BMI was that low?

I believe in miracles, and I strongly believe that this is what happened to me. At that low of a weight, it is miraculous that I even survived the trip to the hospital! But that day, I did not understand why I was going to get help. ED blinded me to my illness and made mf unaware of how thin and ill I was. I could see that I was dying, that my body was slowly fading and that death was eminent. My parents saw what I could not - that I was wasting away into nothing. Despite my complaints and hateful words, they drove me to get help. Thank God they did. Because if they had not, I likely would not survive.

What is to be learned here? This was an eye-opener for me. I realized how miraculous my survival of ED is. I realized how strong and powerful faith and love is. I had so many people praying for me and by my side. They never gave up hope, even when I did. Now in recovery, I can see how ill I was. I was literally at death's door, and yet, I lived. at the time, I wondered why God allowed me to survive this. I complained that I wanted to die, and that this was all too hard.

Today, life is still hard. It never gets easy - not for me, nor for anyone else. There are always challenges. But when I look at how far I have come, and how God healed me, I can see a purpose for my survival and suffering. Today, I am alive and healthy. I am writing my blog and helping others to the best of my ability. I am fulfilling all my dreams because I have learned that you only live once. I refuse to stop dreaming, praying, and working. I will not let ED or anyone take me down or make me feel inferior or unworthy. I am beautiful, and I am learning to love myself and my body. It all takes time. And this does not mean that my life is amazingly simple now. But it DOES mean that now, I realize how my experience with ED has changed my life. I was literally DYING - at the lowest possible BMI before death.

Yet, God kept me alive - for some reason. Perhaps it was to speak out and raise awareness for ED and mental health. Maybe it was to teach me to love my body and to believe in Him. Whatever the reason, I am thankful because I realize how this has made me stronger. Life is tough, but if you think of how far you have come, you will be thankful for your experiences. At the time, it is always hard to see the bright side - and I am like this as well. But I have seen that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even a thunderstorm runs out of rain and ends. So, in the meantime, grab your umbrella and trudge through. You will survive, just like I did.


  1. The picture struck me and gave me a smile and hope.


  2. As long as I recognize my mistake and find a way to rectify them,I am happy


  3. Yes Marina .
    Now I call Ed the big liar and worst monster and cheater.
    We were so naïve or our brain so ill that could not recognize the danger.


  4. I can not believe how some one can be so sick and still able to push to do same work.
    Normally when We little tired ,we feel it hard to finish our work and we have to prioritize


  5. Miracles happened all the time.
    As you said Ed stole (high jacked) your brain and made you not to feel your body till BMI 11 the deadly zone but God is stronger than ED.
    God gave you the power to change the course.

    Sunday Priest

  6. God saved you(despite allowed this ordeal and suffering you experienced) to prepare you to be an exemplary nurse or healer so that you can help those suffering and prevent others from same .


  7. Marina
    honestly do you advise parents to do same thing as yours. How about if the victim was adult and mature and decline all advise !!


  8. BMI 11.1 and you recovered
    Holly Macananha


  9. While this an eye opener for you but also an eye opener for all of us to raise the awareness and prevent the disease from approaching our children and our families.
    thanks Marina for raising the awareness and sharing your experience.


  10. I believe in miracles too. I trust I was heeled from my deep depression through a miracle and antidepressant.


  11. I love to hear about miracles and yours is a real miracle.

    Sam Ibrahim
    Burnhamthorpe ,Mississauga

  12. I am very happy for your recovery after long struggle.


  13. Marina I can tell you from my experience as a therapist that very few people suffered as much as you did .However look at what you have done .Never I have seen a person was able to pull herself back from the dumps to the top. You did Marina.
    Now you are able to do what you want. The ED was disabling you and now you are set free for many good reasons.
    I see prosperous future a head of you.

    My congratulations for making a difference in this life

    Kelly W
    Therapist ,To

  14. Marina
    I learnt from your blog to see the psoitives.
    Even I feel sorry that ED was harsh on you as ever but you pulled yourself out of his slavery and here you are .
    Please feel happy with what you have done


  15. The last 2 paragraphs of this post should be put in the charter of rights for all those who recovered serious illness.
    And We all give you the credit for creating and endorsing the charter of rights of survivors of serious illness.


  16. As always you talked about the difficult issue and you will not leave us without a solution and hope.
    Thank you


  17. Marina
    I want to say something also.
    I have the same commitment as you mentioned here(I learnt this from you)
    I will not have any space in my life for ED.
    I will not let any body or any issue make me feel inferior.
    I will feel proud of myself and my achievement (to say the least recovery is the best achievement one ever can have and make. We made our recovery by making rational decision and healthy changes).
    We will continue to have positive rule and spread hope and dispel fears.


  18. I admire you for standing up for your self and look at how much did you do so far and how bright is your future.


  19. You are really Ms. Hope.


  20. You are very very beautiful.
    By complete recovery you will feel and enjoy the beauty that God had given you.
    You face is beautiful and your heart is kind and your brain is very intelligent and you are a committed hard working person.


  21. It is always a good idea to look at our strength rather than our weakness.


  22. To be able to raise up again and now you are running competing with time to catch up with what ED took from you since were 12 is not less than a miracle ,only Messiah Isa Ben Mariam (Jesus) able to do.
    I congratulate you and I hope you are so proud of your beauty and achievement.
    Please remember what you said during your talk show you said if you do not feel well mentally and physically and if you do not eat and sleep well and be reasonably active ,you will be able to achieve what you are hoping to.

    With my humble respect


  23. You really are very beautiful .Please keep your smile and work on your happiness.


  24. I agree you are so smart and very beautiful.

    Sandra D

  25. I love your determination to continue your goal plan .Erasing all scars left after the horrible Ed and replacing them with stars of hope ,beauty and happiness.


  26. My dear
    God saved you for millions reasons.
    You are the best daughter and friend.
    You will the best health care provider one can ever meet.
    You are so kind ,intellegent and talented.
    Your beauty is natural and attractive.
    You are dedicated person and rel;iable
    Etc etc etc
    hard to make a list of all the excellent qualities one can have.
    Very proud of you.


  27. No one deny the fact that your face is beautiful ,your smile is charming and your voice is intriging and your intellegence is beyond description.


  28. I admire the hard work and determination to maintain the recovery and complete your goals.
    I wish you happy life


  29. Take pride in your beauty and good qualities.


  30. Keep up all the positives girl.
    We all like your blog.


  31. I believe in your miracles and I believe in you as a hopeful helpful person.


  32. I agree with all comments and I wish I can add more


  33. I wish I can invite all Canada to celebrate the recovery(afer close call).We all need to be thankful .
    Happy Thanksgiving


  34. You are so pretty Marina .
    Ed can not touch you ever again



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