Saturday, 6 July 2013

ED hates change

I'm usually a very flexible person. I'm not one to insist that things go my way all the time, nor am I the type of person that can't adapt to circumstances. In fact, I'd say that I'm pretty good at making changes and getting used to them.
Then came ED.
With ED, I always feared change. I could not stand a change in my 'normal day' because that meant that I had to find a new way to avoid eating. It meant that I had to figure out how I would excuse myself from all the food at parties, get-togethers, etc. I would get anxious when these events would come up because I'd have to put in the extra effort to avoid eating.
Now in recovery, things are a bit different. I no longer have to think of ways to avoid food. But I'm still not great with change. I need to plan all my meals: what I'll eat and when I'll eat it. I can't spontaneously eat if it isn't 'the time to eat' because I don't really ever feel hungry. And I can't not know what I'll be eating because what if ED tries to trick me?
You don't like the food here - and you don't have your own food to eat. I suppose you can't eat anything!
It's past the time you should have eaten. Guess you can't eat!
You don't feel hungry now and there's too much food at this event. Too bad - you can't eat!
And it goes on and on. To some, it may sound silly that I 'can't' eat outside of my meal plan. Some people might not understand how uncertainty about the types of foods and meal times would make me anxious. But they do - because ED will try to deceive me. And I don't want that to happen again. I can't put my life in jeopardy again.
Even if it means that I'm planning all my meals and eating by the clock. It is what I need right now. I don't trust ED anymore because I know that he will try everything to get me to restrict. So for now, I'm planning every bite that I eat. I'm checking the clock to know when I need to eat. Sounds crazy? Maybe. But I'm recovering, I'm getting better, and it's working.
Take that ED!


  1. People told me that years before I was diagnosed with ED .They said you were not like that.
    Good news since my recovery I am better.

    Recovered ED victim

  2. What a jerk,idiot ED that not only starve victims ,make them slave but also change their personality and flexibility.
    Shame on you ED, go to hell.


  3. When a teenager is able to accomodate ,adjust and make the necessary changes to accomodate the current circumstance ,this is not a teenager,this is a kind of Angel.
    I know you are not a teenage now ,but over last few years while you are suffering ED ,you were a teenage.
    I admite your personailty that able to accomodate and amenable to cahnge to adapt the situations or persons.


  4. That is what I said to my friends who had a party for me yesterday after 4 years I was isolating myself from all of them.
    I said ED was protecting himself from all of you and at the same time singling me in a corner to think and do what ED likes and wants.
    Finally We all free again Marina


  5. I am doing better in eating my meals but only I have to follow the scheddule timing.
    However I noted I am little flexible when I am with friends ,I can order food and I eat.
    I sometimes feel hungry but I still in denial.
    I am improving and I will work on hitting ED to his core bybeing flexible..


  6. I do believe ED victims are the smartest but you can not underestimate how ED is smart also but in a tricky decptive and evil way.
    We all need to have all our defensive mechanisms so that will not let ED come close to our turf.


  7. I know ED is very opportunistic!!!
    You know what I mean.
    If you are not hungry,don't eat


  8. It is wise not to put yourself to the test.
    Always feel safe and use the plan that suits you the msot and you know is working.
    Sooner ED will get more and more frustrated and leave you free without any chance of return ,ever ever again


  9. ED will die in anger if you ignore any of his temptation.
    Continue to do what you are doing.You are winning.
    Do not give ED any glimpse.


  10. I’ve been restricting, made an account on a triggering website, looking compulsively at thinspiration, exercising a lot, made a notebook… the kind with every food, calorie, exercise, etc. written daily. The kind of notebook that I used when I was first starting on this horrible journey (11 years old?). It’s much more sparse now- no pictures glued to the pages or ED rules or acronyms or pages with “Fat" scrolled endlessly. Just the facts, ma’am, now- no need to glamorize or make this kind of stupidity fun, attractive, or a game. It’s hell.

    Why am I doing it? Because I can’t cut my body open and step out, free of the monster that my body is. Because I can’t control any aspect of my life. Because I wasn’t ready to leave treatment. Because I haven’t even had therapy in a month and I was never supposed to discontinue it. Because I’m leaving my home of 11 years, where I grew up and loved and laughed and played and yes, experienced pain and hate and broken dreams- but it’s my home.

    But most of all, I am peering into this black well and hoping to snuggle into the darkness at the bottom with my broken body


    1. Kari, your comment makes me so sad because it reminds me of how sick and tired I was last year. First, I am asking you to stop going on that triggering website - it is doing you no good and is harmful to your health and well-being. Now, I am asking that you stop noting in that book. It is okay to keep track if you need to, but not to get obsessive about it. I know what you mean about ED and being fat. I know, trust me. I also know how much pain it is to go through this. I know what it feels like to want to get out of your body because you hate it so much. I know what it feels like to hate yourself and loath the body you are in. But trust me, it gets better if you start to make chnages. It is so SCARY, I know. But you will be happy you did it. Can you make small changes, like getting off the triggering sites? Can you see a team or a therapist? You were not supoosed to leave treatment or stop therapy, so maybe you should get back into doing that. It seems you are going through so many changes and transitions and that this is hard and overhwelming for you. Please take a deep breath and orient yourself: you need a plan, and ED needs to get out. Please find help, and let me know how i can help.

    2. This is very sad to hear that someone like you Kari is an easy victim of the abusive monster.
      I urge you and any of your family to help you find an exit to this.
      Please return to your home ,get the support of your family.No blame or guilty feeling and turn the page off of this unhelpful network and get professional help


    3. Hey Kari
      Take immediate steps to end this ordeal.
      It is so sad that the disease is affcting your ability to think logically and get you back to professional help.The website and notebook are feeding your obessions about body image and food intake.
      Please read Marina"s reply several times and take a step to self recovery.
      Your health and life so precious.


  11. I have a history of anorexia, but I have actually become slightly overweight. I am wondering if I can go on a diet and exercise regimen? I don’t know what to do?

    1. Steph please be wary and careful.
      Please speak with your dietietian and psychologist.
      For those who recovered from ED ,sometimes ED can sneak on your life again and mislead you into feeling fat when you are not and drift you back again into the slippery slope of ED.
      I relapsed my self several times till my final one was 6 years ago and I got to learn several strategies to make me live my healthy life and see clearly my body image.
      Marina said she is still eating accodring to set scheddule so that to close the door on ED

      Recovered ED victim x6years

    2. Steph, I am sorry you are suffering. I am not an expert or your medical professional, but I think that it might be helpful for you to see a team. Are you really overweight, or did you just gain more weight than you expected/wanted? In terms of excercise, if you can be physically active without obsession or Ed thoughts, that go for it (if cleared by your team). If not, then maybe ED is trying to push back onto your life. Do you binge? DO you heat healthy food and in moderation? Find a team, if possible, who can help. And let me know if I can help further.

    3. Be careful Steph.
      Please listen to Marina's recommendation.
      Please do not let ED decieve you again


    4. I have had BN and I did binge and restrict and this went on and on till my recovery.
      I am worried about Steph going on same road.
      Steph please be careful and speak to your doctors


    5. I eat about 2,200 calories a day and am basically sedentary. My bmi is 25.8. I have bee n eating normally for about 2.5 years now. My family doctor says I will be prone to be on the heavier side due to the damage I did to my metabolism, and my body holds on to the calories because it anticipates being starved

    6. Steph
      I am a medical student and I know BMI 25 is normal. For healthy person average daily calories of 2,200-2,900 calories is the norm.
      I can see your worry is part of ED thoughts and obsessions and not based on medical knowledge.
      It seems to me also your MD not aware of ED tricks and deception and the advise that he or she gave you inflamed ED against your recovery.
      If I were you I would be happy that I am eating my normal food ,taking my nutritional requirements and my body is appropriate ,not thin or fat and I would enjoy my life.
      Sadly ED never make you feel happy, always finds something for you to feel sad.,,
      Please wake you and do not let ED,(your enemy)spoil, damage and destroy the best of you.
      Sorry if I sound harsh but I am medical student and I am motivated to make a difference ,same as Marina .


    7. Penny, I think you are spot on. Steph, I am sorry you are suffering like this. I know how you are feeling, and I know that it is a terrible way to feel and a tough experience.
      Again, I am not an expert. But from my knowledge and experience, 2200 calories is not too much, although it varies for different people. Nonetheless, your BMI is also not unhealthy. But I understand why this is disressing you. In terms of weight and food, your doctor is right in that your body may be scared that you will starve again and is thus 'saving' energy for this. This occurs with all ED patients because their bodies are scared that restriction is coming again soon. Sometimes, even two years of eating normally might not be enough - it all depends on the body and the person. That being said, there is always the option of getting an expert opinion and seeing what/if you need to make changes. For exAmple, do you eat more of a certain food and less of others, and could this be a problem? Are you following a meal plan and are you eating enough? Many people with ED still struggle to know how much is enough even after recovery. I am not trying to sound harsh, but is it possible that you are 'dancing' around recovery and still need a bit more help (ex. theapy, nutrition advice, etc,). I still find that even though I am eating normally now, I still tend to need direction for my meals (through planning them and making sure I take enough food), and also by letting my feelings out to others (therapy, friends, etc). Let us know how we can help, and if anything we said here has helped you. God bless you.

    8. Thanks Marina for the clarification.
      We all hope Kari and Steph seek the professional team help and stand strong and hard against ED and his deception.
      Our body soon will adjust and come to set point so that not easy to gain weight even if take extra food from here and there.
      Moderation, moderation is the enemy of ED.


    9. Do you think i should try to find a new family doctor. I don’t think he understands ED very well.

    10. Steph, I am actually going to write a post about ED and cotors. But for now, it may be hard to actually find one who understands ED well. There are not many of them! If possible, do so. If not, can you get help from them in the meantime, or help them understand ED so that they can better help you? Keep updated with the blog, I will post about this issue soon!

    11. Just to clarify bmi of greater than 24.9 is overweight. At 5’7 I am 165. If my bmi was 24 which is considered healthy weight i would have to get down to 159 just for my bmi to be 24.9, keep in mind 25 is considered overweight and the difference between 24.9 and 25 is one pound in my case.

      I am 18 years old so I am supposed to follow the who growth charts not BMI, so I am actually even more overweight by the WHO growth charts standards

    12. Steph
      I believe in living healthy and happy life in all sizes and shapes.
      Please focus on health and happiness and not on the few pounds up or down that only make sense for ED thinking and not for rational and wellbeing thinking.
      I agree with you and Marina completely many if not all family doctors do not know how to talk and help ED victims.


  12. Marina
    I like to continue with any strategy that work to achieve your goals as schedduling meal times and making sure you taking enough of all food elements so that ED will not take you off guard.


  13. I will pray for Kari and Steph and all ED victims and all who are not well


  14. I also pray for Kari,Steph,Marina and all of us who are calling upon God to help,heal and cure.

    Sunday Priest

  15. Hi Marina
    I am very impressed with your professional response to both Kari and Steph.
    It very responsible and professional reply and I add my voice to yours and I urge both of them to get professional help.I urge them to make their own voluntarily choice to recover.Studies have shown that people are more likely to make the necessary choices and maintain them if this what they believe in and made by their own chice and not imposed on them.

    Medical student

  16. If ED does not like the change ,We can change when We believe the change is good for us.
    We have a brain and We can think and We can choose what is good for us.
    NO one ED or else can influence our choice..


  17. I urge every body to do every thing that ED does not like.


  18. You know guys ,it is obvious that ED hates victims and so what ED likes and pressure his victims to do is harmful for sure to victims
    So We have to do every thing ED likes and wants.



  19. I really admire people who knows their enemy.
    No doubt ED is the enemy to all of us and our society and We need to understand all his tricks and We need to stay on the offence not only defence.
    We need to be alert and aware and hit ED before ED hits us.
    If ED hates the change (just to keep us cozy in his arms) ,no We will like the positive change.



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