I'm usually a very flexible person. I'm not one to insist that things go my way all the time, nor am I the type of person that can't adapt to circumstances. In fact, I'd say that I'm pretty good at making changes and getting used to them.
Then came ED.
With ED, I always feared change. I could not stand a change in my 'normal day'
because that meant that I had to find a new way to avoid eating. It meant that
I had to figure out how I would excuse myself from all the food at parties,
get-togethers, etc. I would get anxious when these events would come up because
I'd have to put in the extra effort to avoid eating.
Now in recovery, things are a bit different. I no longer have to think of ways
to avoid food. But I'm still not great with change. I need to plan all my
meals: what I'll eat and when I'll eat it. I can't spontaneously eat if it
isn't 'the time to eat' because I don't really ever feel hungry. And I can't
not know what I'll be eating because what if ED tries to trick me?
You don't like the food here - and you
don't have your own food to eat. I suppose you can't eat anything!
It's past the time you should have eaten. Guess you can't eat!
You don't feel hungry now and there's too much food at this event. Too bad -
you can't eat!
And it goes on and on. To some, it may sound silly that I 'can't' eat outside
of my meal plan. Some people might not understand how uncertainty about the
types of foods and meal times would make me anxious. But they do - because ED
will try to deceive me. And I don't want that to happen again. I can't put my
life in jeopardy again.
Even if it means that I'm planning all my meals and eating by the clock. It is
what I need right now. I don't trust ED anymore because I know that he will try
everything to get me to restrict. So for now, I'm planning every bite that I
eat. I'm checking the clock to know when I need to eat. Sounds crazy? Maybe.
But I'm recovering, I'm getting better, and it's working.
Take that ED!